SEE-LA, CILLA
TRASHSTORM IS NOT A REAL STORY.
IS NOT EVEN GOOD FICTION.
IS TRASH GAME REVIEWS.
ALL OF THE GAMES FEATURED WOULD CAUSE A PERSON DISAPPOINTMENT,
ANGER, FRUSTRATION, DEPRESSION, MONEY LOSS INCLUDED.
TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.
LIST OF PESTILENCE - THE TRASHSTORM SO FAR...
HALL OF INFAMY: THE WORST GAMES EVER Vol. I
Spoiler
I: EXIT TRASHFALL, WELCOME TRASHSTORM (POWER-DEAD BY BREAKTHROUGH GAMING) - (Nik & Kit's Math Quiz)
II: UNINSPIRED SPACE SHOOTOUTS - (X-Force Genesis)
III: NIGHTMARE DRIVING ON THE TRASH GAME ROAD - (Driverio)
IV: AGE OF DEVELOPER STUPIDITY - (Game Achievements "Stroke The Pet" Series)
V: TAKE THE TROPHIES, I DON'T WANT THEM! - (Rocketio)
VI: SUPERDISASTROUS SPACE SHOOTER SQUAD - (Super Rebellion)
VII: MYRON SAID "CRAPPY HOLIDAYS" - (Breakthrough Gaming: The Continents)
VIII: BREAK-TURD GAMING...AGAIN - (Project: Summer Ice - Pinball)
IX: DEEP SPACE ATROCITY - (Deep Space Anomaly)
X: ZAKYM'S DISASTROUS RETURN - (Rocketio 2 and 3)
XI: CRAPPER BOWL AND THE END OF BREAKTHROUGH GAMING - (Breakthrough Gaming's Football 2)
XII: ALPHA MORON - (Alpha Warrior by S-Mobile)
XIII: THE DEEP FREEZE - (SoulFrost by Xitilon)
XIV: WEBNETIC'S FIRST SHOOTER - (Space Defend by Webnetic)
XV: ONE BUTTON CATASTROPHE - (B Cannon by Xitilon)
XVI: CLASH FORCE? MORE LIKE TRASH FORCE! - (Clash Force)
XVII: TAURIAN MANURE - (Taurian Defense)
XVIII: INHUMAN ROAD: STINKING TURD LIGHTNING - (Thunder by Xitilon)
XIX: MORE XITILON TRASH - (S Lanes by Xitilon)
XX: TRASH-O-WEEN PRESENTS: CRAPPER-5 - (Hyper-5)
XXI: RED-CRAP-TOR - (RedRaptor)
XXII: FROM MEDIOCRE TO "X-CREMENT" - (X-Force Under Attack)
XXIII: CONSEQUENCE OF STUPIDITY - (Danjigoku)
XXIV: IF IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, IT'S EXTINCT - (Arcade Archives: Dinorex)
XXV: NEPHENTHEOSIC EUTHANASIA - (Nephenthesys)
XXVI: MESSED UP SHMOUPPING - (Shmoup by Phoenix Reborn Games)
XXVII: WAR AGAINST BLOCKS. AS STUPID AS IT SOUNDS - (Shooting Blocks by Webnetic)
XXVIII: (UN)HOLY WEEK SPECIAL - (Galactic Invasion by Pix Arts)
XXIX: DISADVENTURE IN VENARIS - (Flightpath: Adventures in Venaris)
XXX: THE OBSCENE LEVEL OF STUPIDITY - (Aabs Animals)
II: UNINSPIRED SPACE SHOOTOUTS - (X-Force Genesis)
III: NIGHTMARE DRIVING ON THE TRASH GAME ROAD - (Driverio)
IV: AGE OF DEVELOPER STUPIDITY - (Game Achievements "Stroke The Pet" Series)
V: TAKE THE TROPHIES, I DON'T WANT THEM! - (Rocketio)
VI: SUPERDISASTROUS SPACE SHOOTER SQUAD - (Super Rebellion)
VII: MYRON SAID "CRAPPY HOLIDAYS" - (Breakthrough Gaming: The Continents)
VIII: BREAK-TURD GAMING...AGAIN - (Project: Summer Ice - Pinball)
IX: DEEP SPACE ATROCITY - (Deep Space Anomaly)
X: ZAKYM'S DISASTROUS RETURN - (Rocketio 2 and 3)
XI: CRAPPER BOWL AND THE END OF BREAKTHROUGH GAMING - (Breakthrough Gaming's Football 2)
XII: ALPHA MORON - (Alpha Warrior by S-Mobile)
XIII: THE DEEP FREEZE - (SoulFrost by Xitilon)
XIV: WEBNETIC'S FIRST SHOOTER - (Space Defend by Webnetic)
XV: ONE BUTTON CATASTROPHE - (B Cannon by Xitilon)
XVI: CLASH FORCE? MORE LIKE TRASH FORCE! - (Clash Force)
XVII: TAURIAN MANURE - (Taurian Defense)
XVIII: INHUMAN ROAD: STINKING TURD LIGHTNING - (Thunder by Xitilon)
XIX: MORE XITILON TRASH - (S Lanes by Xitilon)
XX: TRASH-O-WEEN PRESENTS: CRAPPER-5 - (Hyper-5)
XXI: RED-CRAP-TOR - (RedRaptor)
XXII: FROM MEDIOCRE TO "X-CREMENT" - (X-Force Under Attack)
XXIII: CONSEQUENCE OF STUPIDITY - (Danjigoku)
XXIV: IF IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, IT'S EXTINCT - (Arcade Archives: Dinorex)
XXV: NEPHENTHEOSIC EUTHANASIA - (Nephenthesys)
XXVI: MESSED UP SHMOUPPING - (Shmoup by Phoenix Reborn Games)
XXVII: WAR AGAINST BLOCKS. AS STUPID AS IT SOUNDS - (Shooting Blocks by Webnetic)
XXVIII: (UN)HOLY WEEK SPECIAL - (Galactic Invasion by Pix Arts)
XXIX: DISADVENTURE IN VENARIS - (Flightpath: Adventures in Venaris)
XXX: THE OBSCENE LEVEL OF STUPIDITY - (Aabs Animals)
HALL OF INFAMY: THE WORST GAMES EVER Vol. II
Spoiler
XXXI: FECAL RAIDERS - (Space Raiders by Alexander Carparelli)
XXXII: STUPIDITY HAS NO LIMITS - (Hoodie Survivor by The Voices Games)
XXXIII: LEARN HOW (NOT) TO BE STUPID) - (Learn to Play Vol. 2 - A Simple Shooter)
XXXIV: INVASION OF STUPIDITY - (Soraja Invaders)
XXXV: PAC-DISASTER - (Paku Paku)
XXXVI: THE GREAT STUPID RACE - (Learn to Play Vol. 4 - Happy Racer)
XXXII: STUPIDITY HAS NO LIMITS - (Hoodie Survivor by The Voices Games)
XXXIII: LEARN HOW (NOT) TO BE STUPID) - (Learn to Play Vol. 2 - A Simple Shooter)
XXXIV: INVASION OF STUPIDITY - (Soraja Invaders)
XXXV: PAC-DISASTER - (Paku Paku)
XXXVI: THE GREAT STUPID RACE - (Learn to Play Vol. 4 - Happy Racer)
Looks like indie shmup scene's still active, and so it is Trash Gaming.
So let's check Stamina Zero and Frameblade's new shmup Cilla.
Sunday Morning Shooting
Well, the first thing to get used to it is the controls. While most games uses the lower button for Bonus or special attacks ("A" in XBOX, "X" on PlayStation), Cilla utilizes the upper one ("Y" in XBOX, Triangle on PS4-PS5), but also you can use an alternate control by using the D-Pad to move instead of the Left Analog stick and the Right Trigger/R2 to fire.
The gameplay of Cilla is as simplistic as an early 80's game. This is because the game goes all the way on basic mechanics, even at the point of not giving you power ups for your ship's main weapon. Instead, it provides you with TEMPORARY power ups, for example, upgrading your erratic linear shot into a random weapon from basic twin shot, a basic 3 way spread or a 10 bullet spread shot, and any of these weapons lasts for 10 seconds. Yeah, you're stucked with short timed upgrades which are what I call "Power is Useless". Having Shield items and Health recovery is good, but what's the point of restricting your firepower? What we're they thinking? I know. They were NOT thinking. Controls are also the worst. While I appreciate to have full control of the ship by using either the Analog Stick or the D-Pad, both are fucked up. Like in Natsuki Chronicles, using the Left Analog stick will slightly move your ship up or down, while the D-Pad has the same problem as in Akinofa, erratic D-Pad and uncalibrated stick controls, recipe for disaster indeed. Also, there's no spare lives either, die once and the mission will fail and to make things even worse, there's Turridamage since you can take two or more hits immediately with no time for recover between them.
In the first stages, you have an AI controlled partner which is a key objective in level 1 since it unlocks the trophy/achievement "You were right, Pilot-1" if he gets killed. But in the few following stages of the game, he acts as the support unit, but with zero effort on doing that 'cos he won't be firing too much and he will be taking hit after hit until he dies. It's LJN's X-Men all over again. So what's the point of having an AI wingman to back you up if he's not doing jack-shit?
Another problem is that the enemy formations repeat constantly and it'll be quite common to see the same enemies throughout the game again and again and again making you think you're wasting your time with this game and it does feel like you're doing precisely that. Killing the same enemies from stage 1 non-stop and if you find a new enemy it will be quite uncommon
*"Results" from Project Wingman plays in the background.*
Alright, pick up what you need to get out of here, we can celebrate when we’re back at Rowsdower!
In a good intent of encouraging the player, the game features a result screen where you're ranked from 1 to 3 stars based on how many enemies you've killed and how many hits you took throughout the level. The idea had potential, but due to the lazy development it feels useless. I mean if the game had a shop where you can use any points given by the results screen, that would be great, but Stamina Zero and Frameblade didn't care.
Cilla VS the Jungle Biker Gang
One of the things that I noticed about this game is the lack of bosses. There's no giant ship waiting for you at the end of the level, just a new type of mid-sized ship that needs like 10 hits or so to go down. But at least adds a little variety in Stage 3 by adding a secondary objective: Taking down flying bikers. But taking these bikers down goes beyond destroying the bikes, you have to take down the rider which will try to take you down even if he's a small sprite. While it is interesting to take a small enemy after taking the major vehicle down, the absurd size of the secondary target just kills the fun, resulting in another badly executed idea.
The single boss battle that you'll find in this game.
When I said "Lack of bosses" I mean it. Stage 6 is where you will find the only boss this game has to offer aside from the final boss. This sad, pathetic bullet hell firing wall. Despite the bullet hell, it is an easy boss which goes down too easily.
Have mercy or kill him?
During the final boss fight, you'll be allowed to make a Contra Hard Corps-like choice: Sparing the final boss' life or continuing the battle. Unlike Hard Corps, you're not joining the enemy if you let him live, it will end the game, while chosing to kill him will resume the battle until he's dead. While the idea of sparing Bellator's life could mean live in peace between both races this only leads to you imminent demise by a laser beam. But killing Bellator is also a negative one as Cilla questions her purpose and does the "Stupidity of the Century": Comitting suicide by crashing her ship with the ground because she "wanted to find her end". Like the Angry Video Game Nerd said in his review of Dark Castle: "Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, YOU'RE FUCKED!!"
What do we've learned here? Regardless of what you choose, the outcome will be the same: You'll die. Even the game qualifies the stage clear result as "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED?" and ranks you with no stars which is basically the equivalent of [SYSTEM MISSION OVER] in Project Wingman's "Consequence of Power" and "Presidia". Speaking of Project Wingman, I can imagine Cilla's staff saying the same "It's far from the perfect game and we aknowledge it" excusing their flaws. But Project Wingman was a big project done by a small group of Ace Combat fans, and despite the crappy ending, it was a great game and we can understand their flaws. But on Cilla's case, there's questionable efforts giving us a mediocre title and worse, horrible endings that make the ending of Opus: Echo of Starsong look like Top Gun Maverick. Deep Blue was more cheerful and rewarding than this miserable "No-Win" scenario shit. Yeah, Eda's death in Opus: Echo of Starsong had more sense and justification that Cilla's ending.
In short terms: Beating the game is useless, or like Count (Ace Combat 7: Skies Unknown) said: So Wiseman died for nothing.
"Careless Whisper" plays in the background.
Yeah, Game's clear, roll the credits...IN SILENCE! The developers didn't cared to compose a tune for the staff roll. It's like "You saw our endings, we suck doing a staff roll sequence too".
But still, with that stage background scrolling, that staff roll is one of the prettiest moments that shit gaming can give you.
The Hollow Street
Graphically, the game tries to make a homage to the Commodore Amiga, mostly any "Non-Psygnosis", "Non-Factor 5" game you can imagine with vibrant colors, detailed pixel art ships without using the MS Paint-style black lining which is a nice touch, but it fails when it comes to the backgrounds as those are overpixelated and clashes with the sprite art just like RedRaptor did. Another nod to old-school was the use of 5 layer parallax scrolling like the arcade games, which adds more speed and depth to the game (think NMK/UPL's USAAF Mustang for example). The explosions of this game are just pathetic. Everytime an enemy dies it becomes a spheric lightning unleashing space-distortion. The most annoying thing is the microscopic missiles and bike riders from Stage 3. If it wasn't for the sight you'll definitely won't know that a missile hit you.
Dark Horse's unused Star Wars cover art.
Loading screens have some nice comic styled art that reminds me of the 90s-2000s european comic books with a hint of Dark Horse Star Wars covers which looks incredible despite being non-anime which is the common norm in shooting and indie gaming nowadays. The cutscenes are the worst. Just a bunch of mugshots with the text next to them.
The music is a nice attempt to mix "Neo-Euro" style with classic Hulsbeck Turrican/Jim Power style with powerful guitar riffs and a few electronica elements that reminds us a bit of the Turrican era of the Amiga. It is kinda sad that this is the only positive aspect of the game due to the disastrous gameplay that comes with it.
TRIVILLA
DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU DON'T KNOW LEFT FROM RIGHT?
Sir! No Sir!
Then you did that on purpose! YOU WANNA BE DIFFERENT?!
Sir! No Sir!
- The ending "Now Loading" pic depicts Cilla saluting with the left hand instead of the right.
- It is possible that the achievement/trophy "Topper" comes from the character Sean "Topper" Harley, the protagonist of Hot Shots! and Hot Shots! Part Deux.
- Although the name Bellator comes from the latin word for "Warrior", it is often associated as the name of the Mixed Martial Arts championship.
An ideal quote to describle an "All-in-one gaming disaster".
An old adage said "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes". Cilla is exactly that: Play a stupid shmup with terrible controls, horrible weapon system, bad gameplay and to make things worse No-Win outcomes regardless of the choice selected being the "Stupid Prizes" part of it. It's a Calamity-sized shame 'cos there is heartfelt nods to the Amiga and even the arcade era with the graphics and even the Hulsbeck-esque music, but all of those go down to shit due to the gameplay issues. ¿Why? Because having good graphics and music doesn't make a better product if the main element fails on the execution. Typical case of "People thinking they're Konami and end up doing the crap we've played", but this case is "The Shaq-Fu of shooting" (and Indie shooting).
In conclusion: Be nicer to your audience, indie developers.
Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes,
Win Stupider Achievements, Win a Crying Eda.
WELL DONE ASSHOLES!