STUPIDITY HAS NO LIMITS
Well, I was supposed to be writing a review for Arcade Archives: Fighter & Attacker, but Hamster and Namco decided to give Non-Japanese gamers an F/U instead.
Those words reflect how I feel with Namco's decision.Varanis wrote:…But I did not… search the cosmos… for MILLENNIA… to fail my divine mission.
So, let's get going and continue with the show, shall we?
TRASHSTORM IS NOT A REAL STORY.
IS NOT EVEN GOOD FICTION.
IS TRASH GAME REVIEWS.
ALL OF THE GAMES FEATURED WOULD CAUSE A PERSON DISAPPOINTMENT,
ANGER, FRUSTRATION, DEPRESSION, MONEY LOSS INCLUDED.
TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.
We're going in a non-stop journey into the borderline of absurdity.
Once again we will open the door of trash gaming with the key of abomination.
Beyond it is a trash dimension: an aberration of sound, an insult of sight, and injury of mind.
We’re moving into a land of both disgrace and suffer, of failed ideas. We’ve just crossed over into… The Videogame Calamity.
The motto of Sony's PlayStation Family is "Play has no limits". Yeah, playing and its possibilities are limitless. Flying an RVR, a Triggerheart or a Cascadian aircraft, solving puzzles with Lea, re-experience vintage arcade games from years gone by or just take the gun and shoot any alien in sight as Bill Rizer, anything goes.
But unfortunately, there's other things that have no limits and that's "Stupidity", and the following game is that example: Hoodie Survivor by The Voices Games (Lizard Lady VS The Cats, Lady in a Leotard with a Gun).
STUPIDITY HAS NO LIMITS
Ever wanted to know where the zero budget ends and idiocy begins? Hoodie Survivor blurs, if not breaks that thin line as fast as you start playing.
The gameplay is unspeakable beyond belief. At first the game looks like a no-budget clone of Atari's Asteroids, but its on the lowest borderline to be called a "game". You don't have to tap buttons to shoot or accelerate. The game does that for you automatically, but that's where the problems begin. With the auto acceleration, there's no brake button to slow down, or warp buttons to teleport to a place safer. Instead you will have to manuever trough the field calculating the trajectory speed in order to avoid crashing with an enemy or an obstacle something that's gonna happen very, very often as your character is sluggish as hell to rotate and there's no "calibration" option to adjust that. Also, the firing rate is horrendous. Imagine that your auto-firing vulcan's firing rate depends on how fast your character is moving. Yeah, if you're regaining velocity your shots will be like "O----O----O----O----O" and "O-O-O-O-O" when you're at almost ramming speeds, the result will be that you'll be almost commiting suicide trying to clear your path of enemies. After getting 31 points, the "Boss" character will appear, taking him down worths 10 points while the common enemy is simply 1 point. After getting 60 points, the stage hazards will begin to move, increasing the risk of crashing even more, along with throwing more bosses on screen. And dying is something that you won't want to do. While a good game like Asteroids gives you spare lives despite being a 1-hit-and-you're-dead ship, Hoodie Survivor gives you no lives. One single mistake and the game ends, and that would be way too easy since your hitbox is the whole character and crashing with something will be the most common of your problems.
Dead, but "clearing" the stage.
Mother of all ironies.
The idea of this game is to obtain more than 60 points to unlock a new level and 100 for unlock achievements, but with the horrible controls and zero tolerance to player errors, that's the borderline between "Impossible" and "Total Unplayability", if you've bought this game for a quick Trophy Hunting, then my condolences to you. If for some sort of fucking miracle you can get the Trophies, then you're a God.
Looks like a bad Windows wallpaper.
The graphics are the most blatant display of pathetic as we can see how they used a texture and flipped it thrice in order to make a background, the stage obstacles look like terrible cutouts done in Microsoft Paint, the font used was a terrible choice as if it was a lame Flash game, but the character design is the worst of all, is just a still image of a guy in a hoodie like a drug-addict from a bad PSA of the 80's and the enemies are the same drug-addict from a bad PSA of the 80's with different colored clothes and even oversized for the "boss" character. The music is perhaps the only decent thing about the game since it has a few NES-Commodore 64 vibes, but it becomes boring after hearing it for 30 minutes trying to get the achievements.
SYSTEM QUIT
SYSTEM UNINSTALL
SYSTEM ASK SONY A REFUND
Hoodie Survivor is an example of how an idea of making a game with simple rules crashes with the harsh reality due to the unplayability and intolerance on difficulty. If you have a All-Divinities-Together level of patience to get the trophies, then Congratulations, you're the most tolerant player out there.
A big "Fuck You" to The Voices Games for making this shit. This is the kind of games that should be banned from the PlayStation store.
Sad but true.
...Oh, I almost forgot. A big "Fuck You" to The Voices Games for making this shit, and a well deserved plethora of insults for Hamster, Bandai-Namco Entertainment Inc., Lockheed Martin, Boeing, Northrop Grumman, Dassault Aviation and Panavia for the unavailability of F/A on Arcade Archives.
All these years following Namco's releases for nothing. Thanks, assholes.
Corporate Crybaby: Graphic Description.
Strider 2 Count wrote:So Wiseman died for nothing.