It's that time of the year again where soulless husks in fancy suits out of touch with their userbase and humanity in general stand on a platform making a general fool of themselves as they try to convince you to buy shit you don't really need. Previous years the Kinect, motion controls, new consoles, 3D, and online services would be gamechangers in the game industry, but they all miserably failed to catch on. Not this time! This time, VR will be the next thing, and will change how you experience video games forever!
Strap on expensive untested goggles on your face and make yourself look like a dork to everyone around you! If you turn your head to the left, your in-game avatar will turn left too, so immersive! Attempt to perform basic actions in games like reloading your gun by waggling your controller around, whereas in the previous outdated technologic era you had to press one button to do something as simple as reloading your gun! Check out all these games which take advantage of VR which are definitely not gimmicky tech demos! Our VR headsets have built-in cushions for maximum comfort on your face, and will definitely not make you look like a raccoon after hours of extended playing! Look at all these hired actors having fun! Now your dream of playing DoDonPachi with immersive VR technology will finally come true!
What does video games spell? Video games? No. Video games? No! It spells virtual reality! VIRTUAL REALITY! Go buy our brand of VR goggles right now for the bargain price of $699 (taxes not included) and show everyone how cool you are by buying our newest trendy products! Next up is a line-up of your favourite GOTY games with upcoming VR support we definitely did not sponsor for the sake of advertising!
Of course companies have something else to present on stage. Bethesda will make your show them money with games such as Dishonored 2, Fallout 4 DLC, TESO DLC, Doom 4 DLC, and maybe Prey 2. EA will bring us long-awaited games such as Mass Effect Andromeda, Titanfall 2, Battlefield 1, cashgrab mobile games, trying to rationalize the disappointment of Mirror's Edge 2, and release the newest DVD of EA and Disney gangbanging Star Wars, starring Amy Hennig! And of course, EA will bring us SPORTS and SPORTS and SPORTs and SPORTS and SPORTS and
Microsoft will push out another cycle of their mainstay franchises on stage, such as ANOTHER Halo and ANOTHER Gears of War and ANOTHER Forza. Maybe they will show some Scalebound too. But more importantly, you will install Windows 10. You are going to install Windows 10. Windows 10 is the future. And maybe you don't have to buy an Xbone for Raiden V anymore, because they'll be bringing all Xbone exclusives over to PC (Windows 10)!
How do you do, fellow #gamers? It's #Ubisoft, calling in an emergency supply drop on this game! Get #E3ubihyped for epic titles such as Tom Cuhlancy's #ghostrecon Wildlands, the #ravingrabbids, another #farcry5, and check out this cool #WatchDogs2 game, where you play as an übercool hacker fighting THE MAN after he got sentenced just for being black! Me no gusta! Enact justice on the hippest city in America, San Francisco, and fight for freedom from the evil corporations who just want your money! Pre-order now for bonuses such as cool new costumes and missions! Now here's our expert team of dancers, with #justdance coming to the PS4! Remember to #girlwood!
Sony might be bringing the goods with great Japanese games such as Yakuza 6, Yakuza 0, Ace Combat 7, Ys 8, NieR Automata, Persona 5, NiOh, Guilty Gear, Star Ocean, King of Fighters, and Kingdom Hearts, so they'll just show them all in a 4-minute long reel as Sony focuses on the REAL DEAL: VR. And of course there are plenty of high-definition remake remasters of your favourite PS3 games coming to PS4, so you can buy your favourite games again! Maybe they'll show DMC 5 and The Last Guardian too, and perhaps From will show something new. Here's this PS4 Neo thing which only costs FOUR HUNDRED NINETY NINE US DOLLARS! In the meanwhile, everyone will fellate David Cagé over his new game which has such in-depth social commentary, the new Last of Us which will be like Citizen Kane 2, and this No Man's Sky game which is definitely not going to be underwhelming!
The PC Gaming Show is going to show you new and exciting MOBAs, I hope you're not getting tired of those yet! And there will be cool exclusives too, such as Styx 2, Serious Sam 4, Shadow Warrior 2, Space Hulk: Death Wing (why do all of these games start with an S?)
We'll be seeing Civ VI, that new Tyranny game from Obsidian, extensive AMD marketing, and of course: VR. Valve will do something of no particular note, and here's tons of indie games whose developers could afford for them to be presented on E3.
And the biggest mystery of all, the new Nintendo NX and Legend of Zelda. What are they? What do they do? Surely Nintendo must hold a lot of confidence in the NX and the new LoZ if they are willing to have a separate event just for them. And after that we'll have some more Pokémons, Monster Hunter, and the new #FE (I did not add the hashtag here) which will most certainly be a hit amongst the cool kids.
The schedule is as follows:
Get some friends, grab some drinks, pick a stream, and witness the trainwreck.
What do you predict/hope to see at this year's E3?
I am definitely going to drink myself to death with these drinking games and the state of the current industry
