The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Anything from run & guns to modern RPGs, what else do you play?
Randorama
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Enough reviews, we are talking Sports but not on "We are the champions" thread!

Post by Randorama »

Sorry guys....

...I actually remember a video from a someone usually posting on neo-geo.com who recorded how he cleared all four courses with mostly Birdies and quite a few Eagles. I do not recall if it is on youtube or not, but I do remember him playing him all four courses and getting the first place all the time, with scores in the -18 to -21 or -22 range...and then concluding the video with a "thumbs up" selfie, I believe. He was likely playing the home version.

I probably forgot that he starts a new credit after each course, but I do believe that he played all four courses in a row to prove the point that, stamina-wise, the task may be feasible. But still, we are talking of a 2-hours something "run", I guess? I wonder if that would count as "predatory behaviour" from programmers, making a game so enjoyable that you literally get glued to it for hours on end :wink:
Last edited by Randorama on Mon Jul 21, 2025 1:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"The only desire the Culture could not satisfy from within itself was one common to both the descendants of its original human stock and the machines [...]: the urge not to feel useless."

I.M. Banks, "Consider Phlebas" (1988: 43).
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Sumez
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Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Post by Sumez »

Haha :D
Yeah, 1CC'ing every course is still a cool feat
I'm glad it's not the built in goal though
Randorama
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OK, we are not being serious, really.

Post by Randorama »

Well, the Neo Geo should have some early titles that were obscenely long, as I mentioned in the..."We are the champions!" thread (where else, indeed?).

To be on topic, I am not really surprised about the guy calling Contra a predatory game even if the person might want to pass as an "arcade games expert" of some sort(s), but I am also curious about the choice of the "predatory" label. I still keep thinking that the "classic arcade business model" revolves around games that should invite players to insert coins as frequently as possible, with the possibility to play for the 1-CC or for an indefinite time as a "prize" for those players who made an effort to play the game. As "creations" of the 1980s, the decade that witnessed the meteoric rise of rampant predatory capitalism, it makes quite a bit of sense to me.

However, in my line of work "predatory" is a label slapped onto publishers who promise researchers to publish papers without too many hurdles if they pay a (usually) hefty publication fee. It is considered predatory because people might pay up to bypass quality control steps and therefore publish articles that are worthless when evaluation committees check publications ("this article is shit; you just published it because you paid for it!").

As a kid who would always play on a tight budget (2000 of the old Italian lire, roughly one euro, and ten credits of 200 lire each), I would usually refrain from continuing. I do not remember anyone forcing me to continue when playing games as a kid, perhaps promising me that I would get some benefit out of it ("1-CC Contra and your grades will go up!", for instance), but usually I didn't check attract screens either. Maybe Contra offers promises of bigger penises to players who will clear the game but only if they credit-feed it due to their lack of gaming skills? :wink:

(or really: youtubers say that dumbest things, indeed).
"The only desire the Culture could not satisfy from within itself was one common to both the descendants of its original human stock and the machines [...]: the urge not to feel useless."

I.M. Banks, "Consider Phlebas" (1988: 43).
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Marc
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Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Post by Marc »

Not 'lazy' as such, and any ranking of Toaplan stuff will be contentious, but....

https://www.trueachievements.com/news/t ... ion-review

Flying Shark? Last? Fuck the fucking fuck off!
XBL & Switch: mjparker77 / PSN: BellyFullOfHell
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AGermanArtist
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Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Post by AGermanArtist »

I echo that sentiment, although it is interesting to see what normies think. And their reasoning for reaching their conclusions. In this case, it's reliably daft. Fixeight is superior to Outzone because there are more characters to choose from, for example.
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Sweatlord_STG
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Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Post by Sweatlord_STG »

Marc wrote: Sun Aug 17, 2025 1:56 pm Not 'lazy' as such, and any ranking of Toaplan stuff will be contentious, but....

https://www.trueachievements.com/news/t ... ion-review

Flying Shark? Last? Fuck the fucking fuck off!
Haha, I just glanced at it, just for a sec, and already noticed three things:

1. The four games ranked last are actually my personal top four, currently at least. (which is subjective to be fair)

2. "Sorry, but I despise Flying Shark. This game absolutely hates you. It's a game where you pilot the world's slowest biplane through a hail of bullets, and the only way to speed up at all is to take down chains of colored planes — most of which will crash into you or get you with a suicide shot before you have half a chance to get out of the way."

Finds the game difficult -> ranks it last lol

3. "Sorry, but I despise Flying Shark. This game absolutely hates you. It's a game where you pilot the world's slowest biplane through a hail of bullets, and the only way to speed up at all is to take down chains of colored planes — most of which will crash into you or get you with a suicide shot before you have half a chance to get out of the way."

THERE ARE NO SPEED UPS IN THIS GAME :lol: it even says so in the screenshot that he posted right above this quote. There are only three items: 1UP, bomb, and shot power up.

Seems like we're in for a treat, I will definitely read the whole review.
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TransatlanticFoe
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Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Post by TransatlanticFoe »

Horizontal leeway = abysmal game design
Dodging power ups you don't want = genius game design

Baffling

"I want more detail about the history of the games" --also doesn't bother provide any information about regional variations in the collection
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Sumez
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Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Post by Sumez »

Marc wrote: Sun Aug 17, 2025 1:56 pm Not 'lazy' as such, and any ranking of Toaplan stuff will be contentious, but....

https://www.trueachievements.com/news/t ... ion-review

Flying Shark? Last? Fuck the fucking fuck off!
Gotta love this comment on Fire Shark, citing its relation to its predecessor:

"From a game that felt punishing without reason to a game that feels perfectly fair at all times"

Oh yeah, so much easier!
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Sweatlord_STG
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Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Post by Sweatlord_STG »

Sumez wrote: Mon Aug 18, 2025 5:49 am
Marc wrote: Sun Aug 17, 2025 1:56 pm Not 'lazy' as such, and any ranking of Toaplan stuff will be contentious, but....

https://www.trueachievements.com/news/t ... ion-review

Flying Shark? Last? Fuck the fucking fuck off!
Gotta love this comment on Fire Shark, citing its relation to its predecessor:

"From a game that felt punishing without reason to a game that feels perfectly fair at all times"

Oh yeah, so much easier!
HAHAHA HAHAHA :lol:
Vipor1983
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Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Post by Vipor1983 »

I remember a YouTuber posting a review about Dead Cells and went through everything. Then about a week later a professional site like IGN posted their review.

Turns out they saw the YouTuber review and copied it near enough word for word, luckily the original bloke saw it and posted a video about the ripping off it stuff.
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BrianC
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Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Post by BrianC »

Sumez wrote: Mon Aug 18, 2025 5:49 am
Marc wrote: Sun Aug 17, 2025 1:56 pm Not 'lazy' as such, and any ranking of Toaplan stuff will be contentious, but....

https://www.trueachievements.com/news/t ... ion-review

Flying Shark? Last? Fuck the fucking fuck off!
Gotta love this comment on Fire Shark, citing its relation to its predecessor:

"From a game that felt punishing without reason to a game that feels perfectly fair at all times"

Oh yeah, so much easier!
Similar comments on Tiger-Heli, as well. I'm guessing the reviewer hasn't tried to muzzle bullets in either game.
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Austin
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Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Post by Austin »

Marc wrote: Sun Aug 17, 2025 1:56 pm Not 'lazy' as such, and any ranking of Toaplan stuff will be contentious, but....

https://www.trueachievements.com/news/t ... ion-review

Flying Shark? Last? Fuck the fucking fuck off!
Any website with as much advertisement barf as that one has, is not a website worth visiting.
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