OK, being serious, your best bet might be to get the latest PCIe ATI Radeon card with a native SVIDEO output and use a passive SVIDEO>Composite cable. You wont have to do any transcoding that way.
HD 4850 seems to fit the bill [[**EDIT - I think it only outputs component from the 7 pin connector, might need to go back to 2000 series for SVid /composite out]] and should be compatible with GroovyMAME/CRTemuDriver. HD 2900 should also work. You will need to be running Windows XP or Windows 7 64bit. Are there lagless component to composite transcoders out there? If so, the 4850 plus the 7 pin HDTV cable + transcoder could still be a viable solution.
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Re: 4. CRT Emudriver
4.2. Supported cards and performance.
Only ATI Radeon video cards supported by CRT Emudriver. There are several versions of CRT Emudriver. You must select the one that fits your operating system and video card.
Under Windows XP, we support the range from the Radeon 7000 up to the Radeon HD 4xxx family, in either 32 and 64-bit versions of the operating system. Older cards are supported by the version based on Catalyst 6.5. Newer cards are supported by the one based on Catalyst 9.3. Some cards are supported by both 6.5 and 9.3 versions, in this case it's recommended to use the 9.3.
List of Catalyst 6.5-supported video cards:
ATI Radeon 7000, 7200, 7500, 8500, 9000, 9100, 9200, 9250, 9500, 9550, 9600, 9700, 9800, X300, X550, X600, X700, X800, X850, X1300, X1600, X1800, X1900, X1950, Arcade VGA 9200/9250, etc.
List of Catalyst 9.3-supported video cards:
ATI Radeon 9500, 9550, 9600, 9700, 9800, X300, X550, X600, X700, X740, X800, X850, X1050, X1200, X1300, X1550, X1600, X1650, X1800, X1900, X1950, HD 2350, HD 2400, HD 2600, HD 2900, HD 3200, HD 3300, HD 3400, HD 3410, HD 3450, HD 3550, HD 3570, HD 3600, HD 3610, HD 3690, HD 3730, HD 3750, HD 3800, HD 3830, HD 3850, HD 3870, HD 4230, HD 4250, HD 4350, HD 4550, HD 4570, HD 4580, HD 4650, HD 4670, HD 4730, HD 4750, HD 4800, HD 4850, HD 4870, HD 4890, etc.
Please note: Not every listed ATI Radeon model behaves optimally. The ones marked in red just cannot work under certain dotclock values and therefore the minimum displayed resolution is limited by it. There's a workaround for that which is explained in the Video Mode Maker section, but we particularly recommend the following video cards in case you can choose, since they have been confirmed not to have any low dotclock restrictions:
Radeon 7xxx, 9xxx (*)
Radeon X300, and probably other low-end models from the X series
Radeon HD 4xxx family
The following supported models are known to have low dotclock restrictions:
Radeon X series, except for X300 and probably other low-end models
Radeon HD 2xxx family
Radeon HD 3xxx family
(*) Ultimarc's Arcade VGA models based on these chipsets should be supported. Newer models like Arcade VGA 3000 are not supported.
Under Windows 7, we support the Radeon HD 2xxx, HD 3xxx and Radeon HD 4xxx families, only for the 64-bit version of the operating system.
Also notice that there're no performance differentiations between AGP- and PCI Express-based cards. Keep in mind, though, that the card must output an analog signal through either, VGA or DVI-I output. If the card happens to have both outputs, the one in use needs to be the primary output. As the cable you'll be using will likely have a 15-pin D-sub connector, you'll also need a DVI-I-to-VGA adaptor in order to use the DVI-I output if this happens to be the card's primary output (newer models).