Chuck Norris

TWITCHDOCTOR · Post by **TWITCHDOCTOR** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 9:19 pm

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris has been known to roundhouse-kick people through the television simply for changing channels during Texas Ranger.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

I once played the Chuck Norris videogame. I was beaten so badly, I only came out of the coma a few weeks ago. It also burned down my house and left truck skidmarks in my driveway.

After 9/11, Chuck Norris went to the moon and wrote "Love it or leave it" on the American flag that was stood up there back in the 60's.

Saddam wasn't hiding from U.S. forces in Iraq. He was hiding from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found Osama bin Laden and gave him a roundhouse kick so bad that Osama just disintegrated into a fine powder and blew away in the wind. That's why we can't find him.

Chuck Norris is the father of every kid in this town!

Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!

His poop is used as currency in Argentina.

He sweats Gatorade

I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.

He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.

He once had sex with a cigarette machine.

We once had a bachelor party for Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

He has a toenail on the end of his penis.

Norris once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms.

They use Norris's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium.

He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Norris's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from Terminator 2

He brushes his teeth with a meat cleaver and rock salt.

He invented the Cleveland Steamer.

He uses live elk for toilet paper.

He pisses farm fresh orange juice.

Chuck can piss into the wind and change its direction.

Chuck Norris's ejaculate can escape the Earth's gravity.

Fighter17 · Post by **Fighter17** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 10:02 pm

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.......................KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

sethsez · Post by **sethsez** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 10:04 pm

Chuck Norris is not Vin Diesel.

The n00b · Post by **The n00b** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 10:05 pm

An internet fad gone soooo so wrong

Fighter17 · Post by **Fighter17** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 10:06 pm

Hey TWITCHDOCTOR, are you on crack?

ArrogantBastard · Post by **ArrogantBastard** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 10:15 pm

Chuck Norris was the shit on Missing In Action series.

Damocles · Post by **Damocles** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 10:42 pm

Made my day.

landshark · Post by **landshark** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 10:48 pm

Chuck can piss into the wind and change its direction.

That's my favorite.

PaCrappa · Post by **PaCrappa** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 11:03 pm

In addition to all that awesome stuff (the first half of which was almost tearfully funny), he and Bruce Lee are largely responsible for changing the sporting side of karate from zero contact to "full contact" in the late sixties and early seventies. Aside from Bruce, he really was the man on the martial arts scene.

And in case anyone was hoping that I'd blather some more about Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I'll mention that Chuck is currently a purple belt under one of the Super Machado Bros. And now ya know

Pa

SheSaidDutch · Post by **SheSaidDutch** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 11:43 pm

Good ole Chuck

Whats he up to nowadays?

Arcatech · Post by **Arcatech** » Sat Nov 12, 2005 11:53 pm

I love it when Conan O'Brien plays random Texas Ranger clips on his show. Very funny

UnscathedFlyingObject · Sun Nov 13, 2005 4:57 am

Good there were a few lame ones, so I could take a break from all the laughing.

Specineff · Post by **Specineff** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 6:12 am

Chuck Norris doesn't like tacos. Tacos like him.

LoneSage · Post by **LoneSage** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 6:38 am

Chuck Norris killed my father and raped my sister.

Norris shall pay!

landshark · Post by **landshark** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 4:42 pm

Specineff wrote:Chuck Norris doesn't like tacos. Tacos like him.

DAMNNNN!

Stormwatch · Post by **Stormwatch** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 7:06 pm

Chuck Norris has REAL ULTIMATE POWER!!!!!!!

Or maybe... ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO CHUCK.

sven666 · Post by **sven666** » Sun Nov 13, 2005 7:09 pm

..how many chucks would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck FUCK!!!!!! aaaaarghhhhh....

Post by **Shatterhand** » Mon Nov 14, 2005 12:27 am

I cant believe this thread came up today.

I was in a meeting today, and somebody was reading a report about a group that's helping in the elections of Chile, a group that is supporting the candidate Tomas Hirsch.

And the name of the groups was "Comando" something, and somebody asked "Why "comando" ? and the guy reading replied "Ooohh.. you don't know Chuck Norris?"

After that there were a lot of jokes about Chuck Norris, and for the next 10 hours of meeting there was a joke about Chuck Norris at every 30 minutes or so.

I just came home, and I see this now

Sly Cherry Chunks · Post by **Sly Cherry Chunks** » Mon Nov 14, 2005 12:36 am

Chuck Norris started riding a Segway to work during filming of Season 2 of Walker Texas Ranger, a full ten years before the Segway was “invented.” Rather than a wheel on each side, his featured 30, 1/3 sized replicas of his legs arranged in a radial pattern, effectively roundhouse kicking any terrain he encountered.

TWITCHDOCTOR · Post by **TWITCHDOCTOR** » Mon Nov 14, 2005 2:23 am

Shatterhand wrote:I cant believe this thread came up today.

I was in a meeting today, and somebody was reading a report about a group that's helping in the elections of Chile, a group that is supporting the candidate Tomas Hirsch.

And the name of the groups was "Comando" something, and somebody asked "Why "comando" ? and the guy reading replied "Ooohh.. you don't know Chuck Norris?"

After that there were a lot of jokes about Chuck Norris, and for the next 10 hours of meeting there was a joke about Chuck Norris at every 30 minutes or so.

I just came home, and I see this now

Perfect timing I guess, eh?

sffan · Post by **sffan** » Mon Nov 14, 2005 3:08 am

I hope you pasted that, twitch. I can't imagine you sitting there typing all that in. By the way, did you write all that yourself?

I also like the clips on Conan. Funny.

UnscathedFlyingObject · Mon Nov 14, 2005 3:10 am

Chuck Norris: "I'm your Father!!!"

"Bitches"

TWITCHDOCTOR · Post by **TWITCHDOCTOR** » Mon Nov 14, 2005 4:31 am

sffan wrote:I hope you pasted that, twitch. I can't imagine you sitting there typing all that in. By the way, did you write all that yourself?

I also like the clips on Conan. Funny.

Actually no...as much as I'd like to take all the credit, I cannot.
I found it to be quite funny, so I posted it here.
I figured Shmups.com could use some laughs with all the drama going on lately.

Post by **BulletMagnet** » Mon Nov 14, 2005 4:50 am

AFXisatwin wrote:I love it when Conan O'Brien plays random Texas Ranger clips on his show. Very funny

"Okay, okay, that's enough, I really ought to get on with the rest of the..." *CRRRANK!!*

Heh heh, were you watching the one time Norris actually showed up in the studio while he was abusing the lever?

crithit5000 · Post by **crithit5000** » Mon Nov 14, 2005 5:27 am

Sorry, have to post this...

http://walkeraids.ytmnd.com/