Amusingly bad reviews

[Pretas]

I think I found him.

lol, not really

[Ed Oscuro]

Hell Rell!

move over new york times, subs are gonna have to pay a dollar to click the "raizing takeoff sequence" button EVERY TWENTY SECONDS

/me mashes it furiously anyways

"oh god maybe raizing have created a new takeoff sequence when i was away"

tbh I think the idea of having funny icons like that comes pretty naturally, but you should have awesome ones like BIL's, or "World Trade Center cameo / Destructible Skyscrapers" (yes it's one button) or "Castlevania Moonwalk" or "tuna sashimi"

[BIL]

Plus an icon for games that would've had World Trade Center cameo / Destructible Skyscrapers but had to omit the content like METAL GEAR SOLID 2. The icon would be linked to DEL's current avatar.

[Pretas]

Sonic Wings Assault on the N64 lets you watch skyscrapers collapse after flying your plane into them.

I don't see why Propeller Arena was cancelled due to 9/11. The buildings are utterly indestructible, like in every version of Flight Simulator.

[pestro87]

Holy crap, I remember that site! I found it while searching for information on a couple of Mega Drive and SNES games back in the day (it must have been around the year 2000). I remember thinking that it was god because it had screenshots for games that I couldn't find information on anywhere. Oh how times have changed...

[BareKnuckleRoo]

this just in, giant alien bat things really did 9/11

seriously though, I had a lot of fun with Save New York as a kid, despite the bizarre gameplay, never played it too seriously as it was often more fun to just blow up the buildings for the super satisfying crumbling sound effect and animation rather than hunt down the aliens, lol, also the enemies spawn a bit erratically in the air so expect to die from physical collisions a lot

[Ed Oscuro]

YES! The list continues to grow! tbh I wouldn't have been surprised about that one, I just didn't remember

"Ahead-of-its-time mascot game"
"Nuclear Dance! -like ending sequence"
"games that make the attendant get up from his chair" (NAMCO HARDWARE WE'VE GOT A LOT TO SETTLE)
"the kind of games that game critics like Yahtzee actually make"
"games that look like they're about shooting things but aren't"
"Castlevania with a sword"
"legendary must-purchase-at-all-costs games" (pointing solely to neo geo yearly fighter rehashes and obscure virtual boy games)
"shitty arcade ports with English lofi music remixes (Rob Hubbard, Tim Follins, Matt Furniss, et al)" score bonus locked to S-rating
"games featuring ground-in-wing aircraft designs of the Soviet Union" (totally serious this would be an awesome category, imagine super composting alien idolators whilst riding on the back of a huge fuckin ekranoplan while dodging missiles HOLY SHIAT)
"resilient infrastructures" a rare category indeed
"PC-Engine FX! infos & the 411 available for this title"

Edit: I FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT CATEGORY
"___________'s __________" (for easy filtering out of games like ____ baseball, basketball, boxing, Syd Mead's ______, etc.)

[BIL]

I just got off the phone with VGC's attorney, he says it's ok for me to start my own reviews site as long as I don't steal any icons. I was a little broken up about that, as I had my heart set on borrowing the "may contain pirates" icon and editing it into a "may contain Big Boss" one. But I'm a reasonable man. So, here's my RAIZING TAKEOFF SEQUENCE icon. Please don't steal it! But you can borrow it for your own reviews!

[Ed Oscuro]

hey does this sound like a good category to you: "games featuring planes drawn by obscure Japanese sex comic artists working in a genre that shall not be named?" I got tons of those.

I would link the icon but huuuuuuuuuh

[BIL]

Yes, in fact, I think a "hentai connection" icon would be a great idea for enticing serial Visual Novel wankers over to more wholesome stuff like Assault Suits Valken, where you generally need to keep both hands on the controller!

edit: here's an idea for the icon ;]

[Ed Oscuro]

busta tortle

speaking of Pixiv, found the icon for "the super shinobi" he has had a hard day of fighting and has tired
man, we need to give "recommended by Cybernator 5000" its own icon too. Pretty sure he's gonna be a man real soon.
"Games that are prime candidates for YouTube's Revenue Sharing Program" Your video, Maabus trailer, may have audio content from Think About The Way by Frisco vs Ice MC that is owned or licensed by UMG.
"games of the type that some retards call 'vertizontal' (PRO REVIEW available)"

The guy gets some respect just for making his own site. These days many sites let any jackass clutter the search results with their own painstaking, thoughtfully compiled lists (p.s. who the fuck designed that game of thrones poster lol)

[Thjodbjorn]

http://videogamecritic.com/mobile/nesmn.htm#Metalstorm

VGC can go right to hell.

[Kollision]

Fuck!

Metal Storm is an absolute platforming masterpiece.
So much ahead of its time.

[Ed Oscuro]

Micro Machines gets A- of course, NARC gets an A.

"games for relaxation"

[Udderdude]

I really need to stay away from this thread, it's bad for my RAGE METER.

[BareKnuckleRoo]

Nightmare on Elm Street - 1 Player

and this is the screenshot he uses





Idiot. it's not the best game ever by any means, but it's still noteworthy for being one of the few multitap capable games

[BIL]

Aww yeah folks, you ready for another original BIG WILLY RZR icon? You know it:



BENDY TAITO LASERS, them things just won't leave me alone! I think I'll need SPINNING ALMOND BULLETS too.

[Ed Oscuro]

"laser trim" feel ORGA BREEZE

"chatty game opening sequence"

[BIL]

Another stalwart of our proud genre, SNIPER TANK DECAPS.



And with that the holy trinity of my favourite shooter things is assembled. Now to work on NON-NEGOTIABLE JUMP LANDINGS and LAST BOSS'S HEAD FLIES OFF among others.

I think I'll record a L2PLAY video for Assault Suit Leynos. It's a rather thinky kind of action game, you see, so it's natural VG "BWAHHHH!" Critic didn't quite grasp things.

[Ed Oscuro]

That tank icon looks just as good for Namco's Tank Force (or Battle City, even) games as for Toaplan shooters Don't think the category actually would fit the Namco games though. Shit, how many of those are there?

"Games ported to Casio PV-1000"

[Obscura]

Also works for Battle Garegga's tankfest stages.

[BrianC]

http://videogamecritic.com/mobile/nesmn.htm#Metalstorm

VGC can go right to hell.

Yeah, some reviews there make me scratch my head (not to mention that he gives out far too many Fs). Both DS Space Invaders Extreme games got a decent rating (a B), but the text makes no mention of the scoring system for either game. The review for Space Invaders Extreme 2 mentions that you can score just by firing and moving like crazy, which is very misleading. The Q*Bert reviews for Atari 800 and 5200 are also more different then they should be. The 5200 review says it's one of the best looking versions, but the Atari 800 version review complains about the graphics, despite how they look exactly the same.

[Skykid]

"The one exception is the Ninja, who appears to be in the wrong game (sorry dude, THIS ISN'T DOUBLE DRAGON!)."

I must say, I did feel quite put upon by all the Ninja in Double Dragon, with their throwing stars, shrouded faces and disappearing acts.

[BIL]

That tank icon looks just as good for Namco's Tank Force (or Battle City, even) games as for Toaplan shooters Don't think the category actually would fit the Namco games though. Shit, how many of those are there?

I gave Assault a spin to refresh my memory this evening, since it's the Daisenpu of tank games, but to my disappointment you can't decap its tanks! :[ You can lure the hovering variety into landing on rocky ground and blowing themselves up though, nyuk nyuk.

A few more for my retirement project - PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE POWERUP CARRIERS, beloved of Toaplan and Seibu, DESTRUCTION OF PRICELESS ARTIFACTS, and MAY CONTAIN MONSTER GENITALIA / RELIGIOUS IMAGERY.

[Ed Oscuro]

Yeah, I don't think you can, the tank just looks similar to the Tank Force / Battle City ones.

There is also that three-quarters view tank game from them, also.

[BIL]

Good news: I got Super Aleste! Bad news: the backlog is already piling up! Not a minute into the intro, it hits you with the WTC CAMEO. And I thought Crude Buster was quick at getting the exploitation in.

VGC is in his Cyber-Lip "tooo EASEH" mode for his review, but if our reporter had discovered the suicide bullet mode he'd undoubtedly have enjoyed a return to Ex-Ranza "AIEEE WTF" form.

The Battle Garegga review is quite special.

" STG is REALLY ALL SAME. :/ "
" But BG is REAL GOOD ANYWAY. ^_^ "
" Its a PURTIER 1942. :] "

[Ed Oscuro]

"games that are easy when you play them in a special way"
this icon is a very stern looking George Washington quarter (or 50p coin with a very stern Queen)

[Bonus!]

Yeah, some reviews there make me scratch my head (not to mention that he gives out far too many Fs). Both DS Space Invaders Extreme games got a decent rating (a B), but the text makes no mention of the scoring system for either game. The review for Space Invaders Extreme 2 mentions that you can score just by firing and moving like crazy, which is very misleading.

My impression is that VideoGameCritic barely plays the games he reviews. I checked a few of his SNES reviews and noticed that he sometimes mentions his high scores, but those are so low that he can't have played the games more than one or two times. Or maybe he's just a really, really terrible player.

[Ed Oscuro]

Man, I've got a bad feeeeeeling about this...pretty soon we are going to have to branch out into amusingly bad videos soon. Stage One: WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO

[DocHauser]

Nice screenshot for Darius Gaiden...

http://videogamecritic.com/satde.htm#Darius_Gaiden