Assault Suit Leynos: tearing nub asshole apart like birthday presents since 1990.Ed Oscuro wrote:Target: Earth: D-
Mangia: D+
yep, a game where you have four joystick inputs, two of them to throw pasta to the cat or dog, is better than Target: Earth, or so the letter grade suggests
ChurchOfSolipsism wrote: ALso, this is how SKykid usually posts
tbh I hate bosses as well. Gradius V has excellent bosses, though.Skykid wrote:Some of his reviews are accurately scored, but none are particularly stellar in terms of prose, which begs the question why he puts the copyright as a footnote to each one? Not incredibly likely to be stolen and profited from.
(Just read the Shattered. S, lol. Lrn2play.)
Weird trend I noticed in browsing, the guy hates bosses. He slags off SS and Gradius V for too many bosses, but praises Jak and Daxter for its "innovative" lack of boss encounters.
Edit: and he's ragged on Fantavision. That's it, burn him.
LOLZ
just fucking wow, quite possibly a contender for the worst Cave review ever, I like how he thinks 300 hits is a high combo, lolDodonpachi Resurrection
Grade: C+
Dodonpachi Resurrection is a psychotic game, so make sure you know what you're getting yourself into. If this game were your girlfriend, you would definitely need to break up with it.
try: Berzerk (Vectrex),
Dodonpachi (Saturn),
If you are looking for a "shooting game" like Links Crossbow training you will be very disappointed. this is essentially a video game along the lines of Galaga. However the graphics are very 1980s and working the game with the Wii controller is difficult.
This game was ok, however, it did not work with the rifle or gun attachments for the Wii.
You just hold a button and bullets shoot from a plane.
Seems to be a common theme - both his DDP DFK and Akai Katana reviews imply that you need to be Japanese (or in AK's case, on drugs too) to understand the game mechanics. Oh, and you have 'unlimited continues' in Akai Katana (basically, he sucks and likely just credit feeds shmups).BIL wrote:He's kind of cute, like a mischievous casual gaming puppy alternately terrified and fascinated by an irritable lobster. His Ranger X review is essentially one long howl of "WTF IS GOIN ONNN"
The apartment takes up like 10% of the gametime. How can you claim it's 'mainly set' there?!and he gives Silent Hill 2 a positive review, then I realise like many of its detractors he wasn't good enough at basic map reading to make it past the first building ("mainly set in an apartment complex").
"Occasionally" is really in only two stages, for a fraction of the stage's game time. How the hell can you confuse it with your own ship when the two levels your time travelling counterpart appears in are walled off? You'd have to ram yourself into the wall and move to the bottom (or later, top) of the screen to move into the area the other ship is in.Occasionally a "friendly" ship will join the cause and fight by your side, but since it looks exactly like your ship, it tends to confuse matters, particularly in the two-player simultaneous mode.
Because if you suck, it takes far longer than it should (i.e., that's all you'll probably ever see, if you're as bad as he sounds)BareknuckleRoo wrote:The apartment takes up like 10% of the gametime. How can you claim it's 'mainly set' there?!
sometimes i press one button and one thing happens GAH GET BACK HERE HOVERBIKEBIL wrote:He's kind of cute, like a mischievous casual gaming puppy alternately terrified and fascinated by an irritable lobster. His Ranger X review is essentially one long howl of "WTF IS GOIN ONNN" and he gives Silent Hill 2 a positive review, yet like most of its detractors he wasn't good enough at basic map-reading to make it past the first building ("mainly set in an apartment complex").
None of the riddles should be that bad, unless you're on a hard difficulty mode. Silent Hill 3's Hard Riddle mode can really get you stuck early on at the very first puzzle door like 10 minutes into the game with a Shakespeare related puzzle. You can brute force it if you have to, but you really shouldn't play/review these games without being willing to actually go through them...trap15 wrote:(i.e., that's all you'll probably ever see, if you're as bad as he sounds)
I'm seriously imagining him thinking the "alarm clock" explosion sound effect when you blow up a gun emplacement in the first stage is a warning that you're damaging friendly units.Ed Oscuro wrote:sometimes i press one button and one thing happens GAH GET BACK HERE HOVERBIKE
For the perfect complementary audiovisual experience, watch these "strategy videos" and learn the names of all of Ninja Gaiden's stages and powerups! He should include links to them, they're made for each other.BareknuckleRoo wrote:This really is the worst review site I've ever seen. Most of the reviews are substance-less soundbytes with little detail with respect to the gameplay itself...
*groan*Hey - check it out - a game you can play on your lunch break! Yeah, you can probably beat this one in a half-hour, thanks to the unlimited continues that let you pick up immediately where you died.
I mean...what?Often mistaken for a performance-enhancing drug for baseball players
He's actually married? I can only imagine what his wife has to put up with. He doesn't seem to know that tate modes exist, either.Okay, I was terribly harsh in my initial review of this game, but as I often say to my wife, "I can explain!"
In many ways, Galactic Attack's visuals and gameplay are so conventional that you'll feel as if you've played it before. Ported directly from the arcade, the screen is narrow with black bars on each side.
Truly a mystery for the ages. Maybe he should try looking at the score counter when that happens?My question is, what happens when an enemy leaves the screen before my locked-on missile can strike it? Does it escape or is it destroyed off screen?
If you won't even attempt to explain what's so captivating about the game, why are you bothering to write up the review? Failed attempt at snobbery or wasting valuable web space (this guy was writing Twitter messages before it was fashionable, so I'll give him that) on trying to refute the obvious criticism of this, er, review.If you weren't video gaming in the early 1980's, it's probably hard to grasp just how mind-blowing Ballblazer was in its time.
But I could stare at those fuchsia bricks alllllll day long.Conan does possess one major flaw however, and that would be the heinous slowdown that occurs in later screens (notable screen five). When too many objects are moving at once, the action becomes painfully slow, and even old school junkies will find it hard to tolerate.
ChurchOfSolipsism wrote: ALso, this is how SKykid usually posts
Click on the logo, the list of "Chicks dig this" is absurdly hilarious, and includes only 51 games, several of which are inane and flat out terrible while the list itself features almost no variety; Centipede, Frogger and Millipede get mentioned multiple times across various console versions, and there's 5 Guitar Hero games. What exactly makes him think girls are obsessed about these specifically...?Ed Oscuro wrote:Further down the page, note that Centipede has a "chicks dig this" award logo.
Ed Oscuro wrote: Ballblazer
?????One hell of a terrible reviewer wrote:If you like this game, try: Resident Evil Survivor (Playstation)
These aren't Megaman spikes he's bitching about, the thorns that occasionally pop up only cause a bit of damage if you happen to touch them. The controls? Well it happens to be one of the best controlling platformers ever (literally the only tricky thing to do is reliably headbutt stuff in midair, and even that just requires a bit of training), so if you touch spikes, especially in this game, frankly it's your own damn fault.Navigating through the graveyards and castles of the early stages is no problem, but too many advanced stages are covered with thorns that are hard to avoid. The controls are touchy, so trying to navigate spiked labyrinths is frustrating.
She is the best character in the first game by a landslide, though, and a solid character in the third game. It's true though, she'd likely have limited to no appeal due to being blatantly dressed for eye candy, particularly in the second game.Pretas wrote:Curious where he got the idea that the average girl would be interested in the Streets of Rage series. I'm guessing it's because he sees Blaze as a "strong woman" in some silly backwards way, despite her having only a shred of character development and a panty-flashing jump kick.
I love this clown.Demon's Crest review wrote:Upon hearing the howl of a ghost, I actually looked around to make sure there wasn't someone else in the room with me!
VGC is to girls as Area 51 is to my lack of a security badge?BareknuckleRoo wrote:Click on the logo, the list of "Chicks dig this" is absurdly hilarious, and includes only 51 games
sexismCentipede, Frogger and Millipede get mentioned multiple times across various console versions, and there's 5 Guitar Hero games. What exactly makes him think girls are obsessed about these specifically...?
I was going to say, assuming he owns/owned everything he reviews, I do respect that. Some good imports in there, and lots of crummy sports games too! The snarling legalese and SUPER COPY-PROOF text are a bit silly but it's obviously just this guy's bumbling labour of love.Ed Oscuro wrote:Hell, I could probably have a tidy little number of reviews up if I posted my impressions / ramblings somewhere, although I have been sensible enough not to.
