Amusingly bad reviews

[Klatrymadon]

Not sure if this review of Aeternum belongs here. I'm drunk, so I was midly exasperated and kept saying things like "Ah, go to bed, you witless fuck".

[BareKnuckleRoo]

"This is what I mean by harder than EYEkaruga"

oh lol

[Skykid]

Not sure if this review of Aeternum belongs here. I'm drunk, so I was midly exasperated and kept saying things like "Ah, go to bed, you witless fuck".

Would have been worse if you were sober. What a desperate loser, I couldn't take more than 30 seconds. I wish all these tryhards would stop attempting to be the next AVGN: the guy already filled that role, it belongs to him. Go do something else with your unboxed NES collections and your bottle of beer, fuckwits.

[DocHauser]

Sine Mora: Quite possibly the best horizontal shmup of all time...

http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussi ... f-all-time

(It's on the PA forum, but it links to a review as well.)

[Hagane]

Ugh, the comments in that thread are vomit inducing.

[Observer]

Sine Mora is the new Ikaruga. It's the nec plus ultra of shmups.

There, someone us that for a signature.

But, seriously? Best hori of all time? Screw R-Type Delta, Leo, fuck Darius Gaiden, G-Darius, Darius Burst, Einhänder, the Thunder Force games, etc.?

[Skykid]

Ugh, the comments in that thread are vomit inducing.

Hold onto your lunch!

Seriously, don't let the $15 price tag scare you off - there's a ton of game here and it's of such high quality.

I would go so far as to say Deathsmiles topped Gradius V

I'd say an example of a bad scoring system is Raiden Jet Fighters

( I love this one, it's fucking gold. Read it twice, the lulz repeat:)

The problem with both Raiden Jet Fighters and Cave are similar. They both concern themselves with memorizing the levels. In RJF it's finding the power ups. In Cave it's memorizing enemy and bullet patterns. Not necessarily bad gameplay, but I think it's slightly counter intuitive with the genre.

Ikaruga gets a pass because it elevated the concept.

I really hope [Sine Mora] sells well enough to make it profitable. It's so good and I'd love to see it usher in a new era of high quality shmups.

Too many years of touhou games on keyboard to accept the 360 pad at this point, so i'll have to pass as well.

[Paradigm]

I would go so far as to say Deathsmiles topped Gradius V

That one's a fair comment. Both are great games, it's just a matter of taste.

[Bananamatic]

But, seriously? Best hori of all time? Screw R-Type Delta, Leo, fuck Darius Gaiden, G-Darius, Darius Burst, Einhänder, the Thunder Force games, etc.?

saidaioujou

flipped sideways

[Kollision]

my brain needs repairz

[Observer]

But, seriously? Best hori of all time? Screw R-Type Delta, Leo, fuck Darius Gaiden, G-Darius, Darius Burst, Einhänder, the Thunder Force games, etc.?

saidaioujou

flipped sideways

We have a winner here!

Flippin' awesome!

Oh god, those quotes. BUT, remember, for the genre to live on... some of those actually have to take the "shmup leap of faith" and play more Mars Matrix.

[pestro87]

This cracked me up pretty good. Pro tip right here:

During the boss fights there are attacks that seam impossible to avoid (like the big laser attacks that sweep up and down). Is there a way to avoid attacks like that, or should I just take the hit and not bother trying to avoid them?

I haven't seen any attacks that are impossible to avoid. Keep in mind that you can move to the right and left and not just up and down.

[drunkninja24]

I got a super pro tip then....did you know you can move DIAGONALLY

[Hagane]

I got a super pro tip then....did you know you can move DIAGONALLY

MIND BLOWN

[Klatrymadon]

Would have been worse if you were sober. What a desperate loser, I couldn't take more than 30 seconds. I wish all these tryhards would stop attempting to be the next AVGN: the guy already filled that role, it belongs to him. Go do something else with your unboxed NES collections and your bottle of beer, fuckwits.

Hehe, yeah - I think some people miss the point that AVGN was pretend-ranting about bad stuff because he's passionate about games, rather than just incuriously shitting on everything from a position of uninterest.

Anywho, the creator of Aeternum sent him an email (presumably explaining how to play it), and apparently this has made him want to do another review. Joy!

[spoot]

I got a super pro tip then....did you know you can move DIAGONALLY

WHAT?!??!?!! You're making shit up now!

[BrianC]

Not a shmup review, but I find some of the Nintendo Life reviews like this Kirby's Pinball Land review very perplexing. He pretty much rates it down for it being styled like video pinball rather than real pinball, but misses that it has oppertunities like hidden bonus rounds and multiple ways to get to the top as well. He complains about the length, despite it having a larger length than other similar pinball games at the time. What's more perplexing is the comments. No matter how poor a review it at Nintendo Life, I keep seeing comments like "I remember enjoying this as a child. I guess I was just wrong". Almost every negative review there, no matter how well it's written, has comments blindly agreeing with it.

[BrooksBishop]

Anywho, the creator of Aeternum sent him an email (presumably explaining how to play it), and apparently this has made him want to do another review. Joy!

Yeah, I left a comment on the video. Just called it entertaining and tried to point out to anyone else stumbling onto it that going in without learning the mechanics is probably a bad idea. So he replied that he watched The Indie Mine review (which I think is a pretty fair assessment) and realized he was probably missing something really important and mentioned he would address it when he does a recap video.

Anyway, I think the best I can do is have a quick laugh at it, and then turn around and try to promote what I consider a well done review by someone who knows what they're talking about, like the CGR Undertow video review.

[Obiwanshinobi]

this Kirby's Pinball Land review

I'd like to know how Kirby's Block Ball was "flawed" for the writer's money, but am not curious enough to read further into the review of Some Other Game™. Seems to be a "videogame journalism" trick that fails to bait me. That is, in a review of game A, calling game B "flawed" or "overrated" and letting me do the guessing how come.

[DocHauser]

The forgettable competence of Dariusburst SP.

Check out this line:

The controls, graphics, and time commitment — anywhere from three minutes to an hour — are perfect for the iPad. If you’re used to controlling a shmup with a joystick, or even a mouse, you’re in for a real treat when you discover how gratifying it is to meticulously finger your way through a bullet pattern.

I mean, who doesn't like to meticulously finger their way through bullet patterns?

[BrianC]

this Kirby's Pinball Land review

I'd like to know how Kirby's Block Ball was "flawed" for the writer's money, but am not curious enough to read further into the review of Some Other Game™. Seems to be a "videogame journalism" trick that fails to bait me. That is, in a review of game A, calling game B "flawed" or "overrated" and letting me do the guessing how come.

The whole review is flawed. Block Ball's review was from a different reviewer and much more favorable, though it got a 7 and reads like an 8 or 9.

[BareKnuckleRoo]

I really hope [Sine Mora] sells well enough to make it profitable. It's so good and I'd love to see it usher in a new era of high quality shmups.

This is especially infuriating as most complaints with Sine Mora are lack-of-quality issues that people pointed out before the game was released, and the devs simply ignored or were too lazy to address. I can't think of many console games, certainly not many shmups trying to be high-quality, that are too lazy to make customizable controls. With only like 3 buttons used by the game, too.

Sine Mora is the new Ikaruga. It's the nec plus ultra of shmups.

For people who value eye candy over gameplay, yeah. Most of the people lauding Sine Mora as the best shmup ever are not people who've seriously played many shmups, so it's really not a surprise it's getting the same treatment as Ikaruga in the mainstream. It's gonna be that game that hipster gamers love to namedrop to show they know 'cool' games even though its mechanics are trash and basically ripped from more competent games (particularly the time slowdown that was actually done properly in Espgaluda with an actual indicator around the ship, used for scoring, etc).

[Lord Satori]

Sine Mora is one of those games where at first it makes you think "wow! this is awesome!" but then you take a giant step back and realize that its very flawed. It's like trying to sell a bottle of sprite with an insanely awesome lable, but the soda inside is flat.

[hail good sir]

got

[AntiFritz]

I remember when I first started reading this forum I didn't understand the Ikaruga hate from a lot of people. After reading that Sine Mora shit, now I do! I try to respect other people's perspective but jesus christ they didn't even cap the firing speed how is that high quality ughhhhhhh

The difference with ikaruga and sine mora though is ikaruga is actually a good game from a competent developer.

[BareKnuckleRoo]

The difference with ikaruga and sine mora though is ikaruga is actually a good game from a competent developer.

This. Ikaruga's overhyped, sure, but it doesn't have any of the serious flaws Sine Mora has. The XBLA port's apparently not as good as the original, and cuts out the cool 'walking' difficulty select screen, but has custom button config, etc, and is generally a good, clearly polished game. Whether you like how stingy it is with a lack of 'protection' bombs or the whole color mechanic, all the revenge bullets fired back when you use the wrong shot, etc, are more of a personal taste thing (most people seem to prefer Cave style games) than the sloppy development found in Sine Mora.

[hail good sir]

my

[To Far Away Times]

Sine Mora is one of those games where at first it makes you think "wow! this is awesome!" but then you take a giant step back and realize that its very flawed. It's like trying to sell a bottle of sprite with an insanely awesome lable, but the soda inside is flat.

Time won't remember Sine Mora very well. It's obviously a shit game with fancy graphics. Those games never hold up.

Ikaruga may have got some attention for it's fancy visuals, but there's a great game in there too (albeit, not to everyone's taste).

[Bananamatic]

ikaruga is 90° better by default

[DJ Incompetent]

I Know What I'm Talking About Best Game Journalism Knowledge Quiz

1) You're writing a review on a new vertical 2D shoot'em'up
A. Compare to Ikaruga
B. Do not compare to Ikaruga

2) Sine Mora is..
A. The greatest shooter
B. One minor patch away from becoming pretty good

3) Gradius V is ___ ____
A. Too short
B. Too long