How to meet people (help thread)

[junkeR]

I may ask of your assistance with this one. The following describes me:

1. I'm probably anti-social. I prefer to be home either playing games or watching movies by myself.
2. I don't like being in large crowds with plenty of people.
3. I don't drink alcohol - I never started and I hopefully never will.

I would I go about meeting people? I am sure some members here are in a similar situation like me. All my friendships ended back in high school (6 years ago, already) and I'm not sure where to start now. I would like to have a healthy social life!

[Acid King]

It depends on what you're interested in, but I'd say get a hobby where you can be social or join a club. You don't meet people sitting inside all day, so my suggestion would be to get active outside your house.

[xris]

Try going to coffee shops. Go during the day when there's less people. Bring something to read. Go regularly, people sometimes need to see each other a few times before they talk. Lot's of women!

[kengou]

I'm much the same way. So many people tend to associate any kind of fun with alcohol, for me it's not easy to meet new people (especially in college!) when I hate going to parties and interacting with drunk people. I imagine it's similar after you get out of school, but I don't know. Most people like going "out" and dancing or drinking as their main recreation/social activity, and those of us who actually enjoy doing quiet things with a few good friends have a tough time meeting like-minded people.

The best advice I know is just some kind of social hobby or club.

[Engineer]

I'm much the same as you. Fairly anti-social(I don't even own a cell phone), but I've accepted this aspect of myself and freely admit it to people although it can sometimes put stress on friendships. Fortunately I met a like minded girl my senior year in High School who I married and have now been with for almost ten years. We have friends who we see occasionally but we are content to sit quietly at home and read a book or just play video games. We also enjoy hiking and doing photography as this gets us away from people

You may want to consider taking a class relating to something that interests you as you might encounter some like minded people. I recently took a studio photography class at a local community college and met some really nice people. The ages of the people in the class ranged from late teens to fifties and it wasn't a very large group so I felt fairly comfortable socializing with them. Just something to consider, hope it helps!

[sven666]

get rid of your TV and get a hobby that requires you to leave the house.

[Devil Soundwave]

This thread has really struck a chord with me. I'm exactly the same, pretty antisocial, would rathe be at home and like being left the fuck alone. Where I differ is that I am aware I have to interact to get on in the world, so I did the whole "go to the pub, get drunk so you have confidence to speak to people" thing. Got a little out of hand tbh - I was so damn lonely for so long that I ended up out drinking all the time.

Have a good handle on it now though, mainly as I now have a girly who would do anything for me, so I find myself content to stay at home again a lot.

But still, I hear ya - how the hell do you meet people? Clubs are a good bet tbh - this place is kinda like a club in fact. I have met quite a few people I now consider frends over on Arcade Otaku which is nice - we try and meet every few months to eat,, drink, play games etc which is good.

Can't find a club you like? Start your own! Electronics club, coffee appreciation society, fantasy book club, graphical arts, fishkeeping etc - whatever, just do something YOU are interested in, advertise it and meet in a local coffee joint once a week/month whatever and people will hopefully come along.

EDIT: The're is an old adage that goes "If you don't tell the girl you like her, how do you ever expect to get laid?". The same is true of everything - unless you are prepared to bite the bullet and put yourself out there, you will never meet anyone, friends/relationships whatever.

Next time you are in a store looking at, I dunno, comics or whatever you look at - and the guy next to you is looking at a title you like/have read/played - strike up a conversation; I mean they clearly already like the same stuff right? That's your in.

[CMoon]

Feeling rather isolated in LA. I've met people through a brewer's club, but want to find more people into hiking (I know, I should join the Sierra club...) and would like to meet more women (believe it or not, there are some in the brewer's club...yeah, I need a beer maiden!)

[CptRansom]

I'm in kind of the same boat. I have quite a few friends, and I've dated (probably too much) over the last 10 years since high school (I'm 27), but I'm finding myself in a pretty awkward position. My friends now are divided into two camps: the group who is my age and younger who are still in that party-all-night-every-night phase which I can't stand, and the group (mostly co-worker friends) who are all married with families and tend to focus on them (and rightfully so). I hate clubs, I'm not a big fan of bars, and I know that when you're out of high school/college, it seems like those are your only two options.

I'm going to echo a lot of what everyone else has been saying: find something you enjoy doing outside of your house and become a regular. If you have a dog, take it for daily walks in a populated park. Go to a local coffee shop with a book and read. There are a few websites devoted to getting groups together in cities based on interests. Take a class at a local community college. Or hell, post a personals ad looking for friendship; I've had a few friends who have done that and it has actually worked out quite nicely for them (just be open to men and women and don't go into it looking for a relationship, regardless of whether or not it's what you want). If you're into tabletop gaming at all, I imagine it shouldn't be too difficult to find a group to play D&D with or something (and not everyone that plays is a basement-dwelling uber-nerd... I met a few interesting and outgoing people when I played a few years ago).

Above all, though, just be happy with yourself. Social pressure to get out and meet people is just that - social pressure. You're not a loser or a failure if you're happy being alone (key word: happy). You're only a loser if you're not happy with yourself and make no effort to change. When you're happy with yourself, people will be more likely to want to talk to you, etc.

Good luck!

[Dragoforce]

I actually met my girlfriend and lot of other IRL friends through various gaming forums, so it's not always a bad thing to hang around a computer all day.

[cools]

Quite honestly it's perfectly possible to go out stone cold sober. Although I'm not the best advert for this now, some years back I went teetotal for a year simply as an experiment. And it was fun.

But that was during my whole self-discovery (amongst other things that start with self) phase. Once I'd figured out that being one of the odd members of society was such a brilliant joke, with those around me as the punchline, things changed dramatically.

Advice? Limit your privacy. If you literally have *no-one* you're comfortable talking with, then open up to some complete strangers online, just to get the ball rolling. The internet has given the anti-social the means to both sustain and overcome it.

But you've got to put yourself in potential harms way at some point. Anxiety in any irrational form is a bitch to get through, but it's not impossible to overcome.

Specific points with your description though:
1) Your preferences appear to be changing
2) Define large. 30/100/500/1000 ? It's perfectly possible to avoid large crowds and carry on with whatever activities suit, it just requires a bit of lateral thinking. For example, there are a whole bunch of artists who's gigs I'd like to attend, but I know full well I'll have absolutely no chance of dancing how I want to due to the crowd. So find smaller gigs, with different artists. It's all subjective anyway, so enjoyment level in small crowd can equal enjoyment in large crowd, just ignore anyone that harps on about bigger being better.
3) That's a lifestyle choice. People worth knowing will respect it. They'll be curious for your reasons though - so don't just say "because I think it's a stupid thing to do" - that's insulting and disrespectful. You'll have a valid, polite reason, even if you're not currently sure what it is.

Never say "I'll never change" either. It's a ridiculous phrase. Staying the same is both unachievable and dull.

Cools's Life Tips #101 is over. I'm off to throw up. Not from over indulgence, before anyone leaps to conclusions

[DC906270]

try online dating or facebook

[jonny5]

i dont socialize much either....i have friends but we dont hang out everyday...few times a month maybe....usually at my house

thankfully my g/f is of a similar mindset, so we are quite content to hang out at home

the main issue is all my friends are from skating.....other than a few of them we have very little in common outside of skating....i was very lacking in friends who were into arcade games and and my more nerdier interests.....

so i made a meet thread here and made some great new friends locally and now we get together every 2 weeks at my place to play games and hang out

im also not into socializing in bars and clubs...too loud and chaotic and i just feel very out of place....

might sound lame, but have you tried online dating.....i have a couple friends who had lots of luck with it....if you dont like socializing and want to meet somebody of the opposite sex with similar interests it might be your best bet....

cuz the problem with anti-social people who like to hang out at home and play vids is they dont go out, so they wont ever meet each other in RL on there own....

give it a shot....you dont have anything to lose really

[dan76]

What do you want to meet people for... 99% are idiots. Just looks at the culture they churn out and suck up. Feel as if you're missing out - well you're not. There is no normal, there is ultimately nothing you're supposed to be or do, don't worry. If you enjoy keeping the curtains drawn and 1cc'ing Futari Ultra there's nothing wrong with that. If you want to a great social life, full of interesting people, then you're going to have to make an effort - but know that the Futari clear is going to take a little longer.

OK, like Woody Allen says - there may be no God (pretty damn sure there isn't) but there are women. That's not to say women are the answer, because they're not - just different questions... BUT it seems as though if you have a gal most of this loneliness, isolated stuff goes - as does the yearning for social acceptance, because what you really want it the acceptance of a woman (or guy, depending on.. whatever).

Drink makes socialising easier - you may think... scum bags, out there drinking themselves to an early grave, an maybe you'd be right. But drink eases the awkwardness out of social gatherings, that's why most people do it. It's so much easier to meet someone if you have a drink - doesn't mean you have to get drunk.

I would like to have a healthy social life!

Maybe you like the idea of a healthy social life but not what it involves -
Yeah, try online dating of facebook I guess.

[Drum]

Did you go to college? That's the absolute best way to meet people outside high school.
Aside from that: Volunteer. Offer your services to a local animal shelter/soup kitchen/whatever. There are often some pretty sociable, friendly people who do that kinda stuff.
Book clubs, film clubs, insert interest-here clubs.
You always meet a ton of interesting people traveling. Everybody's a stranger in a hostel, so people can be pretty friendly.
Can't speak from experience, but you might wanna try online dating. Or get a dog!

[iatneH]

I'm a rather anti-social sod myself, so I can't offer any advice on meeting new people, it's tough for me to have anything more than a professional working relationship with most of the new people I meet now.

What I can say is that you really have to make a sincere and consistent effort to take care of any friendships you do have. After a disappearance of maybe 2 years, I spontaneously contacted a group of old classmates from college and it was one of the better decisions I made, and I still organize meets from time to time.

I don't like drinking out or loud electronic music either, but activities don't have to be limited just to this, use your imagination

-beach day (though I suppose there might not be beaches nearby for you)
-motorcycle/scooter rental & have a picnic at a park/fly a kite
-rock climbing
-board games - get a couple of good ones, I actually like this more than video games when I have people over
-cooking/baking - you wouldn't believe how fun this is with a group of people, and your female friends will be impressed (maybe - it hasn't really worked for me...)

So there are fun things you can do at home too, you just have to make the move, and also make sure your place is clean and presentable... wouldn't hurt to have a *small* amount of a quality liquor on hand, so you have something to offer to anyone who wants it, but nobody is obliged and nobody is going to go out of control.

[emphatic]

Look at the Shmup meets thread: http://shmups.system11.org/viewforum.php?f=8 as try to go when there's a meet as near you as possible. This way, you will meet some people with a common interest.

[PaCrappa]

If I see anything interesting about someone I just talk to him/her about it. Worst case scenario: Person doesn't want to talk. But most people will usually talk a little. People with common interests often want to talk alot! A small percentage of these commonly interested people go on to become my friends. I've done this often enough (pretty much daily) in my 37 years to have made some great friends.

You can do this anywhere. Start now. No alcohol required.

[sven666]

fuckinell, this thread made pacrappa come out of retirement even!!

hope to see more of ya buddy!

[seattlexc]

Wow, I didn't think we'd ever see you again PaCrappa. Hope you're doing well!

[PaCrappa]

fuckinell, this thread made pacrappa come out of retirement even!!

hope to see more of ya buddy!

It's because of what you and GP and Ed said in that one thread where me 'n Ed had a deal gone sideways. Thanks man!

Wow, I didn't think we'd ever see you again PaCrappa. Hope you're doing well!

Quite well sir! My sig is pretty much what I've been up to along with continuing that whole jiu jitsu thing I've been into for a few years now.

Anyways, back on topic: Socializing is talking. Having a social life is talking to people. People you do know and people you don't know. Talking to the latter group is the only way to increase the numbers of the former group.

[Davey]

What do you want to meet people for... 99% are idiots. Just looks at the culture they churn out and suck up. Feel as if you're missing out - well you're not.

I was going to write a response like this... kind of jokingly, but also kind of seriously. It wasn't until my mid-20's that I really felt comfortable telling people that I'd rather stay in on Saturday night and do some antisocial nerdy shit than go out to a bar or whatever (obligatory xkcd: http://xkcd.com/238/).

It's awkward because extroverts simply don't understand introverts, and they probably never will. By defintion, we tend to keep to ourselves. Plus we're greatly outnumbered by extroverts, so their way is the "normal" way. Extroverts seem to think that everybody wants to be an extrovert, and that introverts just need to overcome their shyness or nervousness or whatever so they can join the fun. They don't realize that some of us actually enjoy being alone, or even (gasp!) prefer it.

All of my friends around here are from college, so I can't help there. But as others have mentioned, I think that having a fellow hermit girl makes being a hermit a LOT easier.

Look at the Shmup meets thread: http://shmups.system11.org/viewforum.php?f=8 as try to go when there's a meet as near you as possible.

He lives in North Dakota. ND is a pretty big state, but only like 12 people live there, so he's probably the only shmupper for miles and miles. Hopefully I'm wrong, though, since everybody I've met at shmup meets has been super nice.

P.S. I know how annoying it is to be the one sober guy in a room full of drunk people, ugh.

[Skykid]

Don't you guys have jobs?

[junkeR]

Thank you for all the responses. I didn't expect to come home from work to 21 replies. What I've tried (and outcomes):

1. Joined Facebook
   I joined Facebook a couple years ago, and actually had 45+ "friends". I deleted the account after I released they were all co-workers and I pretty much didn't talk to them anyway. I did attempt to talk to message new people, but it was a one-sided conversation.
2. Tried a few online dating sites
   I joined a couple dating sites and actually paid for one of them. I uploaded multiple photos, made an honest profile, and was looking for someone to be with. I talked with one girl for a month through email and she moved into town. We hung out almost daily and I was immediately hooked upon seeing her. She finally told me after 2-3weeks of hanging out that she made her profile only to get back to her ex-bf and wasn't looking for a relationship. Let's just say I've been leery of looking on dating sites now. I'm still pissed about what happened.
3. College
   I am currently attending college part-time. I see cute girls most of the time, but I assume they have boyfriends (I've come up with the guts to ask a few girls to dinner, but they all had b/fs).

*I would like to take an easy route and find a girl I connect with (get two for one/ best friend & relationship).
*My community only has 55,000 people.

I guess I maybe should continue with dating sites?

[Acid King]

Quite well sir! My sig is pretty much what I've been up to along with continuing that whole jiu jitsu thing I've been into for a few years now.

Sounding pretty good there, Pa.

[esreveR]

Oh crap! I didn't start this thread? Jeez...well, I'll try the tips in here too I suppose...

[Specineff]

This may sound redundant, but have you tried Dale Carnegie's books?

[Ex-Cyber]

It's awkward because extroverts simply don't understand introverts, and they probably never will. By defintion, we tend to keep to ourselves. Plus we're greatly outnumbered by extroverts, so their way is the "normal" way. Extroverts seem to think that everybody wants to be an extrovert, and that introverts just need to overcome their shyness or nervousness or whatever so they can join the fun. They don't realize that some of us actually enjoy being alone, or even (gasp!) prefer it.

This, pretty much. More to the point, the problem (at least for me, but I suspect for others in the thread as well) is not "meeting" people, strictly speaking. It's not that hard to meet someone at the superficial level of "oh yeah, I know who that person is and talk to them sometimes". What's hard is getting past that superficial "acquaintance" level when I find more than a minute or two of small talk to be soul-crushingly tedious, and lack "typical" interests that make for casual chat-fodder with people who are only acquaintances. I enjoy talking about things, but lacking anything to talk about (and actually caring about it rather than merely feigning interest, which just adds to the tedium as well as sparking cognitive dissonance), I find the prospect of talking to someone to be fairly repulsive. I'm open to the possibility that this is a skill/habit/training thing, but I have yet to see a convincing proposal for how to get from here to there. Most people seem to assume that it will just come naturally given the opportunity, and it just doesn't. I'm not misanthropic, I just find it extremely difficult and unrewarding to relate to people at the superficial level that seems to be expected in everyday interactions.

[BryanM]

Obligatory memes:

[Klatrymadon]

Good post, Davey. I pine for the time when people come to understand that feeling comfortable with not being the centre of attention and staying in to read a book every other day aren't character flaws.

Even so, we still need some social interaction, so it's good that you're actively thinking about this stuff, junkeR. As others have said, the most important thing is just to get outside and go to places that interest you, regardless of how anxious you feel about it. Meeting people in bars is fine, but as a card-carrying Booze Fiend I would definitely advise against getting drunk to meet people. Half of the time you'll just end up talking to some local sot, and friendships forged in drink tend to dry up as the flow of beer does.