TO BUY A GIRL

[Ed Oscuro]

eh, I was gonna strip out the usernames, but fuck it

ACT I: THE SETUP

[22:12] * jimpoon is now known as jim
[22:12] <jim> OMFG
[22:12] <jim> i am still roflinig
[22:12] <jim> so i go to meet her at the club and who shows up
[22:12] <jim> but HER FUCKING BOYFRIEND
[22:13] <EdOscuro> jimmy
[22:13] <jim> he's like 6'5, trying to intimindate me through subtext and shit
[22:13] <EdOscuro> this isn't just bad luck, is it
[22:13] <jim> "hey hows it goin"
[22:13] <jim> "you met my girlfriend?"
[22:13] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> [21:13] <jim> he's like 6'5, trying to intimindate me through subtext and shit
[22:13] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> [21:13] <EdOscuro> this isn't just bad luck, is it
[22:13] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> [21:13] <jim> "hey hows it goin"
[22:13] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> WOW WHAT A FUCKING PRICK
[22:13] <jim> little does he know im cool as a fan
[22:13] <EdOscuro> subtext
[22:14] <EdOscuro> jimmy did you get the footage
[22:14] <EdOscuro> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwQL3N57TQE
[22:14] <jim> so hes like, "cmon lets go to the club"
[22:14] <jim> we all walk in and start talking and shit
[22:14] <jim> and i slowly realize this guy is a huge fucking pussy
[22:15] <jim> who couldnt even kick my ass if he tried
[22:15] <EdOscuro> did you stuff a ball gag in his mouth and ride him like a pony
[22:15] <jim> so yeah we're talking for a while and im like yo i have to take a piss
[22:16] <jim> so i go to the back and hall and i see these two strippers by the bathroom
[22:16] <jim> and i get a fuckin genius idea
[22:16] <jim> im like, "yo ill pay you 40 bucks if you to that 5'6 faggot with the polo shirt next to the blonde"
[22:16] <EdOscuro> yeah? yes? you said yes
[22:16] <jim> "and be like 'hey long time no see'"
[22:17] * Nitro (8a05f1d3@webchat.mibbit.com) Quit (Quit: http://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client)
[22:17] <EdOscuro> haha
[22:17] <jim> 'you still want that lapdance?'
[22:17] <EdOscuro> rofl
[22:17] <jim> at first she refuses
[22:17] <jim> and i haggle a little bit
[22:17] <jim> "okay 60"
[22:17] <EdOscuro> shoulda been like it's my friend
[22:17] <jim> "sorry"
[22:17] <jim> "70?"
[22:17] <jim> then she pauses
[22:17] <EdOscuro> yeah I know how haggling works jimmy
[22:17] <EdOscuro> you ended up paying $2000
[22:17] <jim> and shes like, "okay, fine, 80"
[22:18] <jim> this is a lot of fuckin money but i reckon its worth it
[22:18] <EdOscuro> jimmy you shoulda been like
[22:18] <jim> so i tell her to wait until i take a piss and come back so i can see this shit
[22:18] <EdOscuro> yo that's my brother over there, we're playing a prank on him
[22:18] <EdOscuro> but hey whatever works, I guess...

ACT II: DAGWOOD'S GAMBIT

[22:19] <jim> so yeah i go over there, sit down and start chatting with both of them
[22:19] <jim> then that stripper comes up and does her thing
[22:19] <jim> "you liked that dance i gave you the other night honey"
[22:19] <jim> im trying to keep a straight face
[22:20] <jim> the blonde chick im trying to fuck gets all shocked
[22:20] <jim> the dude is kinda speechless at first
[22:20] <jim> then hes like
[22:20] <jim> "okay how much did he pay you to say that"
[22:20] <jim> im thinking fuck this guy is perceptive
[22:20] <jim> this may not work
[22:20] <jim> BUT THE BLONDE DOESNT BUY IT
[22:20] <jim> she gets fucking pissed and storms out of the club
[22:21] <jim> and the dude shoots me this furious look and runs after her
[22:21] <jim> im laughing my ass off
[22:21] <jim> and get this
[22:21] <EdOscuro> i'm sitting down
[22:21] <jim> there was this other stripper next to the bathroom who heard the whole thing
[22:21] <jim> so she fucking narcs on me
[22:21] <jim> and the bouncer throws me out of the club
[22:21] <jim> onto the curb
[22:21] <jim> so im blazed and still laughing my ass off
[22:21] <EdOscuro> mission accomplished?
[22:21] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> all american badass
[22:22] <jim> i dunno, im probably gonna call her again
[22:22] <jim> dunno what to say yet

ACT III: THE REACTION

[22:22] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> ...
[22:22] <EdOscuro> i agree with ocelot
[22:22] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
[22:23] <jim> once my head clears im gonna mack on her
[22:23] <jim> with any luck the boyfriend is out of the picture
[22:24] <ShangTang> real alphas dont care if the boyfriend is in the picture
[22:25] <jim> i already knew she had a boyfriend nigga
[22:25] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> jimmy what are you gonna do if they're still together
[22:25] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> and they figured out you're a passive agressive goony fag
[22:25] <jim> not giving up
[22:26] <EdOscuro> hahaha
[22:26] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> GOON JUSTICE
[22:26] <EdOscuro> jimmy
[22:26] <EdOscuro> you're gonna run up a huge fuckin debt
[22:26] <EdOscuro> and still no girl
[22:26] <ted> ...
[22:27] <ted> jimmy
[22:27] <ted> just
[22:27] <ted> i cant even laugh at this shit anymore bro
[22:30] <jim> ill give it 4 days tops
[22:30] <jim> then im hittin that
[22:31] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> nitro serisouly you can cut it out now
[22:31] <kiru> oh my god
[22:31] <kiru> I scrolled up
[22:31] <kiru> Maestro you magnificent animal
[22:32] <kiru> Im gonna
[22:33] <kiru> copy and paste that story
[22:33] <kiru> put it on phamplets
[22:33] <kiru> and throw it from the top of the highest building
[22:33] <kiru> so the people of the world can know what trolling means
[22:33] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> congrats
[22:33] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> you are the best troll alive
[22:34] <kiru> I hope this isnt like the departed
[22:34] <EdOscuro> already posted it on forumz
[22:34] <kiru> where the Maestro is so deep in that he forgets he's trolling

[Ed Oscuro]

BREAKING UPDATES

[22:35] <kiru> and the president from the west wing gets thrown off a parking lot
[22:35] <jim> this is the straight up truth niggas
[22:35] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> I WAS AS COOL AS A FAN
[22:35] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> SUDDENLY TIME SLOWED DOWN
[22:36] <EdOscuro> hahahaha
[22:36] <EdOscuro> ACT ONE
[22:36] <EdOscuro> THE SETUP
[22:36] <EdOscuro> ACT TWO
[22:36] <EdOscuro> DAGWOOD'S GAMBIT
[22:36] <kiru> ACT THREE
[22:36] <kiru> THE PLAN
[22:36] <kiru> THERE IS NO PLAN
[22:36] <kiru> I IMPROVISE
[22:36] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> ACT FOUR
[22:36] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> THE PAST
[22:36] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> ACT FOUR
[22:36] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> IS NOT THERE
[22:36] <kiru> roflk
[22:36] <EdOscuro> haha
[22:37] <kiru> cool as a fan is my new title
[22:37] <EdOscuro> where I posted this I divided the txts into ACTS
[22:37] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> cool as a fan is my new way of life
[22:37] <EdOscuro> cool as a FAN FOR HER FEUDAL LORD
[22:37] <EdOscuro> jimmy reads ezra pound u c
[22:37] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> best writer alive
[22:38] <jim> yo what should i say when i call her again
[22:38] <EdOscuro> TO BUY A GIRL
[22:38] <kiru> SHES 15
[22:38] <EdOscuro> i'm optioning the screenplay
[22:38] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> "i'm as cool as a fan"
[22:38] <EdOscuro> hahahaha
[22:38] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> also you probably shouldn't call her cause her parents might pick up and it's a school night
[22:38] <jim> nigga how many times i gotta tell you
[22:38] <jim> shes 21
[22:38] <kiru> minus 6
[22:38] <EdOscuro> lol
[22:38] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> yeah kiru's got it right
[22:39] <kiru> 6 being the number of bullets in dagwoods pistol
[22:39] <kiru> all the bullets he needs
[22:39] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> 6 being the blades on a fan that regulate the badassness in a strip club
[22:39] <EdOscuro> jimmy always makes sure to get her back to the ranch by 8
[22:39] <EdOscuro> http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/04/07/tex ... topstories
[22:39] <ted> 6 being the number of points on the star of david
[22:40] <EdOscuro> six being the number of benjamins he'll drop for his girl
[22:40] <kiru> six being the number of tylenols it takes to cure his fever
[22:40] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> 6 being the amount of meds in grams jimmy has to take to even approach normal
[22:40] <EdOscuro> six being the number of lines he did off that stripper's back
[22:41] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> six being the pounds of hamburger required for ejaculatino
[22:41] <kiru> six being the number that was in the past
[22:41] <EdOscuro> six being the number of felines required for an atmospheric getaway
[22:41] <ted> 6 being the minutes of rumbling it takes to get jimmy to nut
[22:41] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> six being the amount amount of *s in FUCKING
[22:42] <kiru> 6 being the number of therapy dog heads that have shown up on jimmys front door
[22:42] <EdOscuro> six being the number of inches her boyfriend has on jimmy
[22:42] <EdOscuro> both ways
[22:42] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> six being the number of human emotions jimmy can mimick with C++ almost perfectly
[22:44] <[BTFzor]Ocelot> brb
[22:53] <EdOscuro> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZDngpTmpzQ
[22:57] <jim> oshit i just realized
[22:57] <jim> that stripper prolly got fired

[szycag]

last two lines of the second post are the best part

[GaijinPunch]

Sum up, please.

[Ceph]

Guy meets girl he'd like to pork, girl has boyfriend. All three go to a club together. Guy pays stripper to ask boyfriend if he liked the lapdance he got from her last night, girl storms off angrily, boyfriend behind her, unsucessfully trying to convince her that it is not true. Guy then gets thrown out of club because stripper's colleague rats on him. Later guy realizes that srtipper probably got fired for this.

[Battlesmurf]

I was desparately looking for something really funny here.

I failed.


Guess I don't get the whole stripper thing? (and been off of Irc for too long?)

[Ed Oscuro]

I knew some people wouldn't want to read all of that, but I figure they'll have the good sense to move onto better topics ;) The words aren't all from me this time, so be thankful for small things...

I tried to hurry the guy along, no dice.

Update, as well: She got fired.

[Ozymandiaz1260]

Haha, owned.

[JoshF]

I went on IRC yesterday and people were talking about shooting games and I was like lol what is this?

[sven666]

for the last time: IRC SUCKS.

[Ozymandiaz1260]

for the last time: IRC SUCKS.

NO WAI! SRSLY?!?!? PVP PVP PVP!!!!!!!!!

[jpj]

i've said it before, and i'll say it again: visiting irc sounds like having a lobotomy

[Ed Oscuro]

Last update (for now, this is actually from then): He says he made it all up

not surprising actually