The Bad/Tasteless Joke Thread Reborn

Tar-Palantir · Post by **Tar-Palantir** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 3:27 am

OK, we can't have a shmupsforum without this thread. So let's start again. Specineff? Reiki? Stormwatch? Vexorg?

Here are some of my old ones:

If girls want stability, they should marry the speed of light in vacuo.

Comparing steric hindrance to the limiting number of participants in a gang-bang (this one is new!).

Vegetarian girls can't swallow.

(I'm coming off quite badly here, right?)

Stormwatch · Post by **Stormwatch** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:04 am

Oh well, here we go again.....

---

Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!

Come upstairs, son, like a good boy.
No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again.

Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
You will when I goto work, dear!

Mommy, Mommy! What's a transvestite?
Shut up and unhook Daddy's bra.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor

Mommy, Mommy! I thought it was my turn to lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.

Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Shut up and keep licking.

Mommy, Mommy! are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant? Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.
Now get back in bed with me!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her three times this week.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise!
Shut up and eat around it!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like your milk!
Shut up and keep on sucking.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to be a daddy
Shut up and get in bed.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I had just my first sexual experience.
And it was the guy's first time too. His dick was still in the rubber.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.

Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!

Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!

Mommy, Mommy! The milk man is here; have you got the money
or should I go out and play again for an hour?

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!

Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! What's oral sex?
Mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! Why does Daddy's dick taste so bad?
Shut up and give your sister another tampon.

Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!

Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Why won't Daddy talk to me?
Shut up and tie his legs too.

Mommy, Mommy! Why is everybody running?
Shut up and reload.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up, and keep licking.

---

...and don't complain about these, or I'll tell dead baby jokes!

PsikyoPshumpPshooterP · Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:30 am

Im up for more dead baby jokes

Post by **Ghegs** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 12:55 pm

My absolutely favourite tasteless joke is still:

"Which is worse, 16 babies in one blender or one baby in 16 blenders?"

Minzoku · Post by **Minzoku** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 3:08 pm

Er... right.

Oh, well. Once more around the mulberry bush...

We were talking about offensive jokes once, and I forget exactly how the one someone told us went, but it was something like, "Jews don't work," and "Hey, now, they built the pyramids..." to which I responded with the one I remembered best,

Q: What's better than winning the Gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A: Walking.

OMG, I AM TEH OFFENDED

and my brother's:

Blacks shouldn't mate with Mexicans because their kids would be too lazy to steal.

Oh, and:

"But I don't like little brothers!"
"You'll eat what I give you!"

Tar-Palantir · Post by **Tar-Palantir** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 3:18 pm

Some time back, I remember there was a call for women's football uniforms to be 'sexier', probably something like volleyball teams' uniforms or gymnasts' leotards. My objection to this was that only traditional football uniforms would allow players to swap jerseys after games

Diabollokus · Post by **Diabollokus** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 5:55 pm

Yeah I got one.

Whats purple and orange and is found at the bottom of swimming pools?

Answer: A baby with burst arm-bands!

CMoon · Post by **CMoon** » Sat Jan 29, 2005 1:02 pm

Of course the great thing here in Providence is most of the black jokes are told by my black students. My favorite (I know it's an old one):

Your momma's so black, when the cops shot at her, the bullets had to come back for flashlights!

That said, I was teaching about Acids and bases and asked 'what does an acid taste like?' (sour) Their response, 'Your mom.'

dbd · Post by **dbd** » Sat Jan 29, 2005 7:26 pm

http://members.lycos.co.uk/yomommajokes/

Specineff · Post by **Specineff** » Sat Jan 29, 2005 11:01 pm

HMm. A tasteles joke.. tasteless joke.. hmm... I got it.

Two cannibalistic natives with a bad cold are eating a clown.

There. A joke, with no taste.

*runs off*

Stormwatch · Post by **Stormwatch** » Mon Feb 07, 2005 3:20 am

You know the story of the pirate who had a driving wheel attached to his crotch?

- "Hey, captain, what is that wheel for?"

- "Arrrr! It drives me nuts!"

angrycoder · Post by **angrycoder** » Mon Feb 07, 2005 9:02 pm

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Better question is, what the fuck is she doing out of the house.

Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice.

Q: Whats the definition of relative humidity.
A: The sweat that collects on the back of your balls when you're fucking your sister.

Q: Why can't Ray Charles read?
A: Because he's black.

Q: Whats the worst part about having sex with a 6 year old?
A: Trying to get the blood out of your clown suit afterwards.

captain ahar · Post by **captain ahar** » Tue Feb 08, 2005 8:03 pm

best pick-up line ever!!!

Are your parents retarded, because I see a special girl in front of me?

Thinimus · Post by **Thinimus** » Thu Feb 10, 2005 3:18 am

Ah, the perfect thread for my first post in the new forum.

Let's see, how shall we begin?:
---------------
(Gay jokes)

Q: A bunch of gay people were leaving to go on a trip. Who got to the destination first? The gay guys or the lesbians?

A: The lesbians. They're were doing 69 while the guys were busy packing their shit.

Why do many gay guys dye their hair blonde? That isn't dye.

What do you call a meteor crashing into a gay club and killing everyone inside? An act of God.

What's the difference between religious people and gay people? One's more anal than the other.

What do you name an eight year old gerbil that has been living in a gay house hold? Lucky.
------------------------
Jesus Juice. If you don't know, google it and you'll get it.

-----------------------
(Black jokes)

How do you baby-sit a bunch of black kids? Lick their lips and stick them to the ceiling.

How do you get them back down? Teach them to say motherfucker.

What do you say when you see a TV floating in your room at night? Drop it n****!

What do you call a black guy on a bike? A thief.

What do you call a couple black guys on a bike? Organized crime.

When the only time you smile and wink at a black guy? When you're about to pull the trigger.

What do you say to a black guy in a suit? Guilty.

What did OJ say after his kids asked what's for dinner? "Go axe your mom".

Yo Mama's so nasty, The CDC has her under 24 hour surveillence.

Yo Mama's so fat, the U.S army invaded her house in search of WMD.

Yo Mama's so nasty, she has to wipe her butt with a file.

Yo Mama's breath so stank, she shaves her legs by blowing on them.

Yo Mama's so black, Steven Hawking wrote a book about her.

Yo Mama's feet so nasty, she can walk on quicksand.
-----------------------
(Asian jokes)

How come the Japanese had a hard time attacking China during WWII? They had a bunch of chinks in their armor.

What do you call an Asian person jacking off? A microbiologist.
------------------------
(Misc. jokes)

What do you say to a guy in jail with no dick? "Not for long."

That's it for now, maybe more later.

Stormwatch · Post by **Stormwatch** » Thu Feb 10, 2005 3:53 am

Which is better: BEER or PUSSY?

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie

Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead, Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

Specineff · Post by **Specineff** » Thu Feb 10, 2005 3:53 am

Hmm. A tasteless joke...

INFINIUM LABS!!!

dave4shmups · Post by **dave4shmups** » Sun Feb 27, 2005 6:11 pm

I'm sick of these tasteless joke threads, gotdandruffsomeofititches!

captain ahar · Post by **captain ahar** » Sun Feb 27, 2005 8:21 pm

-What do you call a pig with wings?
-Linda McCartney (only tastless cause she is now dead)

-How've you been?
-Not bad. Not bad. How are thing's hangin' with you Jesus?

Minzoku · Post by **Minzoku** » Sun Feb 27, 2005 11:56 pm

The funniest awful comic ever. (compared to the rest, it's clean, though horribly tasteless!

)

Stormwatch · Post by **Stormwatch** » Mon Feb 28, 2005 2:56 am

How many freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis.

Ladder! I mean the ladder!

dave4shmups · Post by **dave4shmups** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 9:42 pm

"What do you do with a drunken sailor"?

"Put him in charge of an Exxon Tanker."

PsikyoPshumpPshooterP · Wed Apr 13, 2005 9:48 pm

Thinimus wrote:Ah, the perfect thread for my first post in the new forum.

Let's see, how shall we begin?:
---------------
(Gay jokes)

Q: A bunch of gay people were leaving to go on a trip. Who got to the destination first? The gay guys or the lesbians?

A: The lesbians. They're were doing 69 while the guys were busy packing their shit.

Why do many gay guys dye their hair blonde? That isn't dye.

What do you call a meteor crashing into a gay club and killing everyone inside? An act of God.

What's the difference between religious people and gay people? One's more anal than the other.

What do you name an eight year old gerbil that has been living in a gay house hold? Lucky.
------------------------
Jesus Juice. If you don't know, google it and you'll get it.
-----------------------
(Black jokes)

How do you baby-sit a bunch of black kids? Lick their lips and stick them to the ceiling.

How do you get them back down? Teach them to say motherfucker.

What do you say when you see a TV floating in your room at night? Drop it n****!

What do you call a black guy on a bike? A thief.

What do you call a couple black guys on a bike? Organized crime.

When the only time you smile and wink at a black guy? When you're about to pull the trigger.

What do you say to a black guy in a suit? Guilty.

What did OJ say after his kids asked what's for dinner? "Go axe your mom".

Yo Mama's so nasty, The CDC has her under 24 hour surveillence.

Yo Mama's so fat, the U.S army invaded her house in search of WMD.

Yo Mama's so nasty, she has to wipe her butt with a file.

Yo Mama's breath so stank, she shaves her legs by blowing on them.

Yo Mama's so black, Steven Hawking wrote a book about her.

Yo Mama's feet so nasty, she can walk on quicksand.
-----------------------
(Asian jokes)

How come the Japanese had a hard time attacking China during WWII? They had a bunch of chinks in their armor.

What do you call an Asian person jacking off? A microbiologist.
------------------------
(Misc. jokes)

What do you say to a guy in jail with no dick? "Not for long."

That's it for now, maybe more later.

u bleeped out n**** but u didnt have a problem typing chink?

Post by **nZero** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 10:14 pm

Q: Why did Jesus cross the road?
A: He was nailed to the chicken.

Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

it290 · Post by **it290** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 10:23 pm

Im up for more dead baby jokes

Ask and ye shall receive... hopefully this one isn't too tired:

A woman is giving birth in a hospital. The labor is painful and it has gone on for some time.

'Push!', says the doctor. 'Come on, you can do it! Now push!'

The woman groans in pain and continues to struggle.

'I can see the head coming out! Keep pushing! Keep pushing'

More groans ensue. Finally the baby comes out. The woman breathes a sigh of relief and the doctor holds up the baby and looks at it. Suddenly, he takes it by the legs and starts swinging it wildly against the walls, the bed frame, and every other hard object in the room. He laughs maniacally.

The woman starts screaming. 'MY BABY! MY BABY! STOP IT YOU MONSTER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?'

Exhausted, the doctor holds up the bloody lump of baby flesh.

'Ha ha, just kidding -- it's April Fool's, remember? The baby was already dead!'

MovingTarget · Post by **MovingTarget** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 10:29 pm

naaaasteeeeeee!

Diabollokus · Post by **Diabollokus** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 8:05 pm

jokes eh

What does harold shipman have in commmon with gareth gates:
Neither of them could finish a sentence.

Harold shipman will be sorely missed by the prison boxing team because of his lethal jab.

There making a film about harold shipman starring Robert De Niro its Called the Old Dear hunter

They say theres no power in thailand but I saw plenty of current in the streets.

Santa didn't come to asia this year he just gave them a wave.

Stormwatch · Post by **Stormwatch** » Fri Apr 15, 2005 2:55 am

Did you see Stevie Wonder's new house?!

Neither did he.

Minzoku · Post by **Minzoku** » Sat Apr 16, 2005 12:10 pm

This is more bad than tasteless. It's one of my father's

Did you hear Red Lobster is opening a shelter for battered shrimp?

Diabollokus · Post by **Diabollokus** » Tue May 03, 2005 10:08 pm

we need more jokes! here some sexist ones to get the juices going

What do you do when your washing machine is stops working?
Hit her in the face!

What do you call a woman with a black eye?
Disobedient!

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
nothing shes been told twice already!

snap monkey · Post by **snap monkey** » Tue May 03, 2005 10:10 pm

What's made for a man but meant for a woman?

the back of my hand