PAC-DISASTER
TRASHSTORM IS NOT A REAL STORY.
IS NOT EVEN GOOD FICTION.
IS TRASH GAME REVIEWS.
ALL OF THE GAMES FEATURED WOULD CAUSE A PERSON DISAPPOINTMENT,
ANGER, FRUSTRATION, DEPRESSION, MONEY LOSS INCLUDED.
TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.
Time for something armageddonically horrific. Something that will make gamers pale in fear. Well, you might not pale in fear after all the atrocities I had to suffer so you don't have to waste you money on them.
You are not gonna believe this, but here we go.
Pac-lamity. That's what this is. This is what it had to be, right? Right? Pac-God...
¿Remember what I said on my review of Soraja Invaders? The part about asking if it was possible to make an old game look like shit?
This time the unfortunate victim was Namco/Midway classic Pac-Man. You've might be saying "Sturmvogel Prime, there's already a Pac-Man that looks like shit" Yeah, I know your answer: The Atari 2600 port, often blamed for the 1983 Videogame Crash. Well, the Atari port is arcade faithful compared with the following game you're about to see in this review.
Wrecking Pac-Man is obviously an impossible an unthinkable thing to do. Its simplicity in gameplay and audiovisuals are its charm-and-heart, the reason why the game is so memorable and cherished, and when you fuck one of these aspects up, you fuck up the whole game. All the home conversions of Pac-Man got that point, including the infamous Atari 2600 port (blame the Christmas craze for hurrying Atari), resulting in good basic videogames to play on the console or the computer, and that also includes the majority of Pac-Man clones (such as the amazing CD-Man by Creative Dimensions). So, what do you get when you take Pac-Man, remove the maze, the fruit bonuses and the score multiplying by eating ghosts and turn it into a waaaay too linear and dull game? That's Paku Paku.
¿What is Paku Paku? Is the latest abomination by Xitilon, and like all of this craptastic catalog, it is one of those 1 button games where you only need to tap the button once to change the character's direction in order to avoid the ghost. The only Pac-Man mechanics are the Not-Pac-Dots to be eaten and the Not-Power Pill to eat the ghost. There's no fruit items or cartoon cutscenes in between levels killing all the fun and charm of the original Pac-Man. While the multiplier is still present per each ghost you gobble up, the objective is to survive at least for a minute and eat more than 1000 Pac-Dots all for the sake of getting trophies. Yeah, Xitilon turned our beloved Pac-Man into a shit-fest sorry excuse exercise of Quick-Trophies, Easy Platinum mediocrity.
Atari Pac-Man, we forgive you.
Graphically, its a shame. Just a few horizontal lines, a crappy green Not-Pac-Man and a single ghost with a few Pac-Dots in the way. At least the tunnel, dots and colors are Namco-accurate. There's no animations in the game, you know, the ghost's eyes flying across the screen when you eat them or the Pac-character folding as it dies. Even the Atari 2600 version had those effects. The game has a NES-like chiptune track, but the volume is too low you have to rise the TV volume to 40 or so to listen it. Its just another example of bad programming on an Indie game.
PAKU-TRIVIAKU
- The game title comes from the Pakupaku onomatopeia used for chewing or open-close the mouth, which Toru Iwatani used to name Puckman/Pac-Man.
Thank goodness its over...
Even Nina is speechless.
Just when I've thought it was impossible to make an insult against a vintage game, there's always someone stupid enough to do that job, and Xitilon is the stupid of this story.
Atari 2600's Pac-Man, this planet and its people forgives you. If you were "shit", then you're pardoned 'cos Xitilon made the anti-matter of Pac-Man with a horrible rendition of what we can call "No Budget" gaming on its worst level.
The usual results in trash gaming.
