UNDODGEABLE STUPIDITY
TRASHSTORM IS NOT A REAL STORY.
IS NOT EVEN GOOD FICTION.
IS TRASH GAME REVIEWS.
ALL OF THE GAMES FEATURED WOULD CAUSE A PERSON DISAPPOINTMENT,
ANGER, FRUSTRATION, DEPRESSION, MONEY LOSS INCLUDED.
TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.
"WHY Adokenasa kara umareru tsumi?" (WHY are there sins born from your innocence?) said Yukie Nakama in a verse of "Makenai Ai ga Kitto Aru", the japanese opening song of Megaman X4, and how appropiate is that quote on reviewing trash games and trash shmups. Because that innocence of having fun sometimes spawn sins like the atrocity I'm gonna write about right now.
Thomas Claus und Frank Menzel (Super Star Blast, M.A.C.E. Space Shooter) are back on the trash game scenario and this time they went from low effort to lazy-ass shit with their latest creation: Dodge These Asteroids.
Half a buck died for nothing.
Writing reviews in general is just like Seal said on the song "Kiss from a Rose": My power, my pleasure, my pain. Well, this time it will be the "my pain" part of the quote. ¿Did you ever wanted to know what the crew of the shuttle Independence felt before going down in Armageddon? Well, this is game is the same thing minus Michael Bay's film and Harry-Gregson William's musical score of course. The idea of this game is to avoid a collision with the asteroids. Zero strategy, just move around expecting to find a gap wide enough to escape from a certain death, but oops, there's no escape, it's about surviving as long as possible. With the concept of survival you might expect to have a shot at least to use a few times like a push over weapon or screen clearing bomb, but this game doesn't give you that privilege, forcing you to maneuvering across the asteroids. There's two types of rocks: The regular sized gray rocks that fall almost straight down, and when I say almost straight is because they slightly move to one side or another in a slow speed, and there's the diagonal moving ones which can be identified as red asteroids. There's no stages either, just the score climbing non-stop until the moment you die, and it only needs 1 death to end the run and after that, it's Game Over and you have to start all over again. But guess what? You have to die 16 times after surviving 1 minute of gameplay in order to obtain the fucking trophies. In total, that's 1 minute of gameplay followed by 16 deliberate suicides. Two or three minutes right to the shitter along with your 50 cents spent in this insult to gaming.
It doesn't give a fuck for your efforts.
Graphically, it's a recycle of Super Star Blast's assets, so your ship is the same from said game and so the asteroid and outer space graphics. If you've saw my review of Super Star Blast, then you know what to expect from this fucking mess; generic, bland-as-shit space backgrounds that feels like if someone just made a crappy space background in 3 minutes and said "Here. I've made your background".
The sound department; just a bland "ambient" music that you'll be hearing until your ship is destroyed (16 times) and get the trophies, While it seems to have Tangerine Dream vibes at the beginning, it cross-fades to a more techno-ish pace reminiscent of the 2000's trance ambient music.
Not just "Calamity". It's the "Reign of the Norbert Moutiers of Gaming".
"Machigai wo yurusu nara, kizu sae mo tsutsumikomu yume ga hoshii" which means "If you’re going to forgive mistakes, I want a dream that bandages my wounds", and what a wise and appropiate choice of words for close this review. I mean, I REALLY need something to bandage my (mental) wounds after suffering with more trash shooters and sorriest disasters like this one.
1 R-9 on the R-Scale, the common result in this kind of games:
Her sorrow, her tears, YOUR MENTAL WOUNDS!