Oh heck no!
No matter how doughty the game might be, if the PS4 version is
CANCELLED IN TEH CRIB, I will be
SOL!
Here I come to save the day, with a
TRVE & HONEST rewrite for our
TOTES REFINED modern sensibilities.
It is
25% Less Problematic!
AFTER GOKUMAKAIMURA, IN A TIME OF PEACE
While Prin-Prin and ARTHUR JR are away one weekend, King Arthur nails some crazy broad - who turns out to be Red Arremer in drag! With MAKAIMURA at civil war, and invasion by a unified NINGENKAIMURA looming, General Arremer undertook an unsanctioned suicide mission. His goal: to assassinate Makai's most ardent foe, via the dread DEVILS CLAP
"JESUS FUCK, MY ASS" groans a sweaty, exhausted Arremer, sprawled prone on the chateau's plush carpet. "BUT AT LAST, MAKAI'S FUTURE IS ASSURED! DIE, ARTHUR!"
"No, my old friend of war" mutters the king. "I will not die, this night."
"WHAT THE FU-" Arremer's rumbling baritone cracks, the hellborn pox biting down hard. In the torchlight, Arthur looks every inch a Warrior King: chiselled, rippling and admirably hung, his physique radiating hard prowess.
"You must have truly thought us monsters, to go this far."
Arthur's regal solemnity chills Arremer's bones. He can only stare in mute anguish, beaten tears welling, as his unwitting lover regales him of TENGOKU NO PENICILLIN. An elixir thought mythic in Makai, said to spring from the blood of the Maddest Shagger - a bearded crusader of iron will and iron hog, one who traversed heaven, earth and hell itself, seeking the horniest Nymphs - those immortal slappers, whose voracious appetites and staggering body-counts leave men and demons alike crumbling with pox. Slowly, painfully, gaining mastery of every venereal affliction known to the realms, the Shagger's return would bring his people relief, and hardcore bareback fucking - were he to exist.
"You..." Arremer's bitter laugh scarcely overcomes the whispering night breeze. King Arthur allows himself a rare half-smile.
"DEVILS CLAP is not what it was in our day. 'Socialised Medicine,' I think they call it. You know I never had the patience for these things. Always off somewhere, running and jumping around. How long has it been, since we last met in battle? I miss those..." The king trails off, silenced by the piteous, beseeching aspect overcoming his dying rival - as disarming on the visage of the Arremer as snowfall in the searing southern wastes.
"My... army pension... wife, kids... they'll be... don't tell - " The collapse is sudden. A legend dies. Only dust remains.
"I won't. I swear it." Arthur wonders where his queen and ARTHUR JR are now, suddenly ashamed of his nakedness.
"DAAAMN BRO, THAT SHIT WAS HELLA GAY" A familiar, pestilent buzzing fills the air. "CANT BELIEVE MY BOY RED WENT OUT LIKE THAT"
"You saw." King Arthur is terrifying in his restraint. Even Beelzebub's foul heart skips a beat, before he nervously swallows and raises the Remembering Frame once more.
"HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER! GON RUN THEM ARREMERS CLEAN OUTTA TOWN WITH THIS SHIT, BIG CHANGES COMIN FOR THE BUB-BUB CLAN! BTW HOW'S WIFEY AND JUN-"
Only the lightning reflex of a Makai Insect saves Beelzebub from the dagger flung at his thorax - the blade now quivering hilt-deep in solid brick, the fiend's cackle merging with the night.
The Warrior King who never sought the crown reaches for his boxers, bonds of ancient valour burning in his heart.
~
CAPCOM PROUDLY PRESENTS
MAKAIMURA V:
THE FALL OF KING ARTHUR
MAKING BITCH-ASS GAMESPOT SCRUBS CRY RIGHT NOW
"BLIMEY LAD ITS A SCORCHER" - SKY BOY (SHUMPS FORUM WAR HERO, 1CC/1LC/NMNB)
Dear Capcom,
pls CTRL+V at your convenience
EDIT: and
patch Arcade Stadium you fuckin frauds, I ain't mind GOOD MAME but I ain't payin you
SHIT for BAD MAME