Amusingly bad reviews

[Vyxx]

The second problem is that it's not Daioujou.

Skykid? >_>

[Skykid]

The second problem is that it's not Daioujou.

Skykid? >_>

No chance.

[Jeneki]

I always wondered if this one was written by someone who really wanted to troll, but didn't realize that forum doesn't allow replies.

[Elixir]

I always wondered if this one was written by someone who really wanted to troll, but didn't realize that forum doesn't allow replies.

Trigger Heart Exelica: Panty shots and “meh”

Skykid...

[Skykid]

I did this one.

[Casper<3]

I always wished THE had better graphics. The whole boxy almost cell-shaded look never did my loli-mech's any justice :/

...maybe we'll get a THE2 one day.


I wrote the Ketsui review.

It was meant for amusement but I deff feel Ketsui is a way over rated game. Especially when compared to DOJ.

[Never_Scurred]

I deff feel Ketsui is a way over rated game. Especially when compared to DOJ.

Well, thats what nearly a decade of desperately hoping for a console port/MAME rom while watching your well-heeled fellow shmup brethren confabulate on the inner workings of a game they paid hundreds of dollars for will do to the community. And don't get me started on the rom-dump donate-a-thon of a few years ago.

[jonny5]

I deff feel Ketsui is a way over rated game. Especially when compared to DOJ.

Well, thats what nearly a decade of desperately hoping for a console port/MAME rom while watching your well-heeled fellow shmup brethren confabulate on the inner workings of a game they paid hundreds of dollars for will do to the community. And don't get me started on the rom-dump donate-a-thon of a few years ago.

So true!

[Despatche]

I don't consider the game overrated, but people tend to see Ketsui as easy and DOJ as hard and it just hurts my brain. DOJ just seems as hard as DDP, but every second of Ketsui stage 2 and onward is scary.

[Special World]

Ketsui has amazing bullet patterns and a better scoring system than DOJ. I also prefer the style. It's bleak but not grungy.

DOJ is more "pure" though. May be partly because the scoring system is such a bitch that I can totally ignore it, something I'm unable to do in any other Cave shooter.

[Estebang]

Ketsui is definitely easier than DOJ, but it's splitting hairs to actually debate which is harder. Suffice to say, they're both really hard.

[Casper<3]

Ketsui has amazing bullet patterns and a better scoring system than DOJ. I also prefer the style. It's bleak but not grungy.

DOJ is more "pure" though. May be partly because the scoring system is such a bitch that I can totally ignore it, something I'm unable to do in any other Cave shooter.

People always say that Ketsui has the best patters, I always disagree, I think Espgaluda II easily has the best patterns.

[Cagar]

-

[Special World]

Ketsui has amazing bullet patterns and a better scoring system than DOJ. I also prefer the style. It's bleak but not grungy.

DOJ is more "pure" though. May be partly because the scoring system is such a bitch that I can totally ignore it, something I'm unable to do in any other Cave shooter.

People always say that Ketsui has the best patters, I always disagree, I think Espgaluda II easily has the best patterns.

The Espgaluda II patterns are a little too sterile for my liking. Then again, I'm not good enough to have seen them all.

What's great about Ketsui IMO is that the boss patterns and the normal enemy shots are completely different but both top-class. I love dodging those clusters of aimed shots through the levels, then getting to the bosses and having these crazy, organic, thinking bullets. It's not my favorite Cave game of all time, but I do love those bullets.

It's all a matter of taste, though. So whatever.

[Casper<3]

Ketsui has amazing bullet patterns and a better scoring system than DOJ. I also prefer the style. It's bleak but not grungy.

DOJ is more "pure" though. May be partly because the scoring system is such a bitch that I can totally ignore it, something I'm unable to do in any other Cave shooter.

People always say that Ketsui has the best patters, I always disagree, I think Espgaluda II easily has the best patterns.

The Espgaluda II patterns are a little too sterile for my liking. Then again, I'm not good enough to have seen them all.

What's great about Ketsui IMO is that the boss patterns and the normal enemy shots are completely different but both top-class. I love dodging those clusters of aimed shots through the levels, then getting to the bosses and having these crazy, organic, thinking bullets. It's not my favorite Cave game of all time, but I do love those bullets.

It's all a matter of taste, though. So whatever.

Could of sworn I read in another thread you told someone that they should get MMP/PS before SAK or DFK because it'll be harder to find (which I agree with) and because it's a "better package" which makes me believe (combined with the above statement) that you and me simply have opposite tastes. I do have to ask, especially reading your description what you think about the Shin Seseri boss battle? It seems to combine everything you love into one crazy, organic, thinking, top-class boss battle.

[Gus]

I've always been a fan of Futari Ultra/God's patterns mainly for the Larsa fight. My opinion might change though once I've sunk some time into Espgaluda II.

[Bananamatic]

except no one ever fights shin seseri

[iconoclast]

Bazooka Yossy (I think) was uploading Shin Seseri runs to the weekly leaderboards when I was playing Espgaluda 2 last month. That guy is a boss.

[Gus]

Yeah, I got that guy on my friends. He speaks pretty good english actually.

[AntiFritz]

Does everyone always deliberately suicide because the boss is just too hard or its just not worth the effort scoring wise?

[Udderdude]

Does everyone always deliberately suicide because the boss is just too hard or its just not worth the effort scoring wise?

That, and it takes like 5 minutes to fight.

[Chaos Phoenixma]

When I was playing ESPGaluda II more, I never suicided. I always messed up and died before then, but I wasn't just going to avoid the fight on purpose.

I really need to get back to the game.

[Cagar]

-

[Special World]

I think MMP/PS is a better package than DFK because:
1) I don't really like DFK 1.5 at all. Arrange A is pretty cool, but lacking style. Black Label is a good game, though. I like 1.51 and Ketsuipachi, but they're apparently pretty broken, which really dampens my resolve to play them.
2) MMP/PS have a style of gameplay you won't find in any of Cave's other 360 releases. If I had to pick two Cave releases, they would probably be Futari/BlackLabel and MMP/PS because of sheer variety, if nothing else.
3) Pink Sweets arrange is actually pretty fun, even if it's way too easy at first.
4) For some reason, Pink Sweets strikes me as THE Cave game where it's just fun to shoot things. I don't know why, but I get a lot of joy from blowing crap up in that game.
5) MMP is like a bridge between Raizing and Cave games. It's pretty cool and unique in that regard.

I like it more than AKS because:
1) I super ultra totally despise the bosses. They're so damned boring. I hate their patterns, I hate their health, I hate their boring design, everything. They completely drag the experience down for me.
2) Shin mode is just too fiddly. I'll think "man, I did that really well," only to have less points than the other time where I thought I sucked. It's just so strange, and further prolongs my boss torture by requiring me to charge up my blue orbs.

I actually think Zetsu has one of Cave's best scoring systems, but the bosses are just awful. There are a ton of games where I hate the bosses, and AKS is one of the worst offenders because the rest of the game is just so damned good.

Also, I've only credit-fed Espgaluda 2 once, so I can't comment on any of the bosses past the midboss of stage 5, I think. The game is brutally hard, and I'm just not that cool yet.

[Udderdude]

Not a review but still something kind of funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5YsAHUT ... re=related

The intro is the only good thing about that.

[Cagar]

-

[Skykid]

I think MMP/PS is a better package than DFK because:
1) I don't really like DFK 1.5 at all. Arrange A is pretty cool, but lacking style. Black Label is a good game, though. I like 1.51 and Ketsuipachi, but they're apparently pretty broken, which really dampens my resolve to play them.
2) MMP/PS have a style of gameplay you won't find in any of Cave's other 360 releases. If I had to pick two Cave releases, they would probably be Futari/BlackLabel and MMP/PS because of sheer variety, if nothing else.
3) Pink Sweets arrange is actually pretty fun, even if it's way too easy at first.
4) For some reason, Pink Sweets strikes me as THE Cave game where it's just fun to shoot things. I don't know why, but I get a lot of joy from blowing crap up in that game.
5) MMP is like a bridge between Raizing and Cave games. It's pretty cool and unique in that regard.

I like it more than AKS because:
1) I super ultra totally despise the bosses. They're so damned boring. I hate their patterns, I hate their health, I hate their boring design, everything. They completely drag the experience down for me.
2) Shin mode is just too fiddly. I'll think "man, I did that really well," only to have less points than the other time where I thought I sucked. It's just so strange, and further prolongs my boss torture by requiring me to charge up my blue orbs.

I actually think Zetsu has one of Cave's best scoring systems, but the bosses are just awful. There are a ton of games where I hate the bosses, and AKS is one of the worst offenders because the rest of the game is just so damned good.

Also, I've only credit-fed Espgaluda 2 once, so I can't comment on any of the bosses past the midboss of stage 5, I think. The game is brutally hard, and I'm just not that cool yet.

WTF?
I thought this thread was for posting amusingly bad reviews.

...Unless... this is your amusingly bad review? If so, congrats, it's mostly amusingly bad.

[Special World]

I think MMP/PS is a better package than DFK because:
1) I don't really like DFK 1.5 at all. Arrange A is pretty cool, but lacking style. Black Label is a good game, though. I like 1.51 and Ketsuipachi, but they're apparently pretty broken, which really dampens my resolve to play them.
2) MMP/PS have a style of gameplay you won't find in any of Cave's other 360 releases. If I had to pick two Cave releases, they would probably be Futari/BlackLabel and MMP/PS because of sheer variety, if nothing else.
3) Pink Sweets arrange is actually pretty fun, even if it's way too easy at first.
4) For some reason, Pink Sweets strikes me as THE Cave game where it's just fun to shoot things. I don't know why, but I get a lot of joy from blowing crap up in that game.
5) MMP is like a bridge between Raizing and Cave games. It's pretty cool and unique in that regard.

I like it more than AKS because:
1) I super ultra totally despise the bosses. They're so damned boring. I hate their patterns, I hate their health, I hate their boring design, everything. They completely drag the experience down for me.
2) Shin mode is just too fiddly. I'll think "man, I did that really well," only to have less points than the other time where I thought I sucked. It's just so strange, and further prolongs my boss torture by requiring me to charge up my blue orbs.

I actually think Zetsu has one of Cave's best scoring systems, but the bosses are just awful. There are a ton of games where I hate the bosses, and AKS is one of the worst offenders because the rest of the game is just so damned good.

Also, I've only credit-fed Espgaluda 2 once, so I can't comment on any of the bosses past the midboss of stage 5, I think. The game is brutally hard, and I'm just not that cool yet.

WTF?
I thought this thread was for posting amusingly bad reviews.

...Unless... this is your amusingly bad review? If so, congrats, it's mostly amusingly bad.

Your review of my review is pretty amusingly bad as well, user Skykid!

[chronicdog]

Mattr Clark gives Contra Hardcorps Uprising a C-

"Unfortunately, Rising mode still inexplicably utilizes credits, limiting the number of continues a player may use. There's a special feeling you get when you've died in a boss fight, and because you're out of credits, have to completely restart the entire stage. I realize this feature amounts to a throwback to retro gaming, but there's a reason we left some things behind.

The only thing keeping Hard Corps: Uprising in the "C" range for this review is the fact that there is very likely a small segment of gamers who absolutely love to punish themselves with a ludicrously difficult game; I acknowledge that. If you're masochistic and don't mind awkwardly paced gameplay, you may actually enjoy Uprising. For everyone else, playing this game feels like paying someone $15 to punch you in the face over and over again. "

http://www.1up.com/reviews/hard-corps-uprising-review

Not only is the game NOT too hard (you can actually unlock unlimited continues and start each stage with a fully maxed weapon in Rising mode), but its probably one of the best run-n-gun games of all time. Beating it on arcade mode is indeed a worthy challenge to any gamer, but Rising mode makes it fun for everyone and gives it tons of replay value. The soundtrack is truly EPIC.

[AntiFritz]

Mattr Clark gives Contra Hardcorps Uprising a C-

"Unfortunately, Rising mode still inexplicably utilizes credits, limiting the number of continues a player may use. There's a special feeling you get when you've died in a boss fight, and because you're out of credits, have to completely restart the entire stage. I realize this feature amounts to a throwback to retro gaming, but there's a reason we left some things behind.

The only thing keeping Hard Corps: Uprising in the "C" range for this review is the fact that there is very likely a small segment of gamers who absolutely love to punish themselves with a ludicrously difficult game; I acknowledge that. If you're masochistic and don't mind awkwardly paced gameplay, you may actually enjoy Uprising. For everyone else, playing this game feels like paying someone $15 to punch you in the face over and over again. "

http://www.1up.com/reviews/hard-corps-uprising-review

Not only is the game NOT too hard (you can actually unlock unlimited continues and start each stage with a fully maxed weapon in Rising mode), but its probably one of the best run-n-gun games of all time. Beating it on arcade mode is indeed a worthy challenge to any gamer, but Rising mode makes it fun for everyone and gives it tons of replay value. The soundtrack is truly EPIC.

b-b-butt the games like 15 minutes long how is their any replay value at all.

its sad that some reviewers think like this