Amusingly bad reviews

[Rob]

I've been playing some Air Buster lately and that review still holds. Final baddie is a real bastard.

[DJ Incompetent]

The implementation of the old-fashioned life system is more off-putting, in truth, for you sometimes end up stuck fighting and re-fighting a very difficult boss with only one or two lives, when it seems you need the time and expense of a third.

Apart from that, there is a lot of enjoyment to be gleaned from Radiant HD. Even though it’s relatively short, it’s certainly worth surrendering your small change to.

http://www.pocketgamer.co.uk/r/Xperia+P ... sp?c=34498

[Deca]

This thread causes me physical pain, but something beyond my comprehension compels me to keep reading it.

[Casper<3]

Look at the cover of Ketsui. Yep, there's a problem, there is no lolis on this cover. That's the first problem. The second problem is that it's not Daioujou. For years people who have played Ketsui called it the best CAVE shooter out there. I think they just had a case of "I-can-play-this-and-you-can't-itus".

Ketsui has a number of things against it. I can't enjoy a shooting game with no lolis in it. Sure there is Alice but she's 18 and looks like a man. The visual style is kind of cool. It's no mecha-moon warzone like Daioujou, but it'll suffice. Then stage 3 comes along. Nice orange background, love this orange water, makes me thirsty. Too bad I can't see my bullets or my ship. The ship design, Tiger Shcwartz. This thing is badass, makes me wish it was in Dodonpachi. (oh wait) Too bad it lacks any firepower. "Off to stop the 2nd apocalypse! I have this badass ship, bought it off the lot before Exy and Lienyanne could pick theirs out. Too bad I forgot all my ammunition." This is the factor that ruins the game for me. It's almost as bad as Raiden IV, sure love to be able to shoot any enemy until it falls off the screen without being able to kill it. Got a high powered alternating color schemes laser, of course it can't go very far, stops about 25 feet in front of me for no reason. Who worries about the small stuff though. Boss design in this game is horrible. It's like someone took a soldering iron and made a mess, taped wheels to it and called it a boss.

Ketsui has a few things going for it, totally awesome soundtrack, save level 4. Sounds like Daioujou remixed. Totally awesome arrange soundtrack, save level 4. Sounds like Daioujou remixed. People always talk about the patterns that aren't like any other shooting game. They constantly fail to mention that all these patterns suck until you get to the stage 4 boss. Then it's kind of cool and the stage 4 boss is easily the best part of the game. There is a hidden boss in Ketsui called Doom. He looks cool in videos but I suck too much to get to him so I'll have to take their word for it. There is a scoring system in this game. Whenever I cash in I feel a little disappointed, I'm giving you my hard earned chips, do you know how long it took me to collect those? You can't even give me a flashy x100,000. CAVE had some good ideas here. Ripping off Daioujou but making it nothing like Daioujou, wasn't one of them. The backwards scrolling in stage 5 later scene in Galuda II was awesome though. Square patterns of the stage 5 boss made think CAVE was testing the markets to release a board game.

[Bee Cool]

That's easily 8/10

[ShmupSamurai]

Please excuse this shmuper as he goes off to get 10 gallons of Asprin for his hurting brain cells....

[Udderdude]

Boss design in this game is horrible. It's like someone took a soldering iron and made a mess, taped wheels to it and called it a boss.

Classic.

[moh]

The second problem is that it's not Daioujou.

[Ed Oscuro]

Not a shooter, but here's a thoroughly misguided, dumb-ass review of High Seas Havoc. The reviewer wants to simultaneously bash Data East for not being original enough, and also for not copying enough of Sonic. Also, obligatory "game is too tough" whining and "Data East just made Bad Dudes, they suck" comments. Possibly one of the worst game reviews I've seen in a while. Funny thing - when I saw it a couple years ago it warned me off the game. Well, with writing that far off base, you could make pretty much anything look terrible (even Atomic Runner)!

[ChainsawGuitarSP]

Typical biased, not knowing shit about anything reviewer. What's amusing about it is that you wouldn't expect such a poor review from such a site.

[GaijinPunch]

The original Darius wowed arcade goers simply by the freaking huge screen. Unfortunately, that's about all the game really had going for it.

L@L

Perhaps the quintessential shooting game from the 80's, and all it had going for it was 3 screens.

[Estebang]

Yeah, more people need to go back and actually play the original Darius. It deserves far more credit than "gimmicky cabinet and fish."

[Ed Oscuro]

Typical biased, not knowing shit about anything reviewer. What's amusing about it is that you wouldn't expect such a poor review from such a site.

I love the guys there, but trust me - it's typical. HG101 is basically gaming softcore - trivia, with pictures of boxes. Good or bad is determined by how many "omake" screens can be thrown up on the page!

I wonder who did this one?

Amidst the clutter of arcade shooters in the late 80s, companies needed to make their games stand out in someway. Simply flying a ship into outer space simply wasn't going to cut it anymore. Taito had an idea. Yes, there was still a spaceship. And yeah, that "outer space" part was still there too. But instead of the usual aliens, you fought fish.

Yes, fish.

DIFFERENT IS BAD.

[Despatche]

HG101 really is terrible. I've never found a review there that isn't filled with lies, inconsistencies, and terrible opinions. This article is even worse because every port and sequel is just stacked on top of each other with absolutely no care.

[Udderdude]

Ragging on Darius? That's a paddlin'

[Elixir]

Look at the cover of Ketsui. Yep, there's a problem, there is no lolis on this cover. That's the first problem. The second problem is that it's not Daioujou. For years people who have played Ketsui called it the best CAVE shooter out there. I think they just had a case of "I-can-play-this-and-you-can't-itus".

Ketsui has a number of things against it. I can't enjoy a shooting game with no lolis in it. Sure there is Alice but she's 18 and looks like a man. The visual style is kind of cool. It's no mecha-moon warzone like Daioujou, but it'll suffice. Then stage 3 comes along. Nice orange background, love this orange water, makes me thirsty. Too bad I can't see my bullets or my ship. The ship design, Tiger Shcwartz. This thing is badass, makes me wish it was in Dodonpachi. (oh wait) Too bad it lacks any firepower. "Off to stop the 2nd apocalypse! I have this badass ship, bought it off the lot before Exy and Lienyanne could pick theirs out. Too bad I forgot all my ammunition." This is the factor that ruins the game for me. It's almost as bad as Raiden IV, sure love to be able to shoot any enemy until it falls off the screen without being able to kill it. Got a high powered alternating color schemes laser, of course it can't go very far, stops about 25 feet in front of me for no reason. Who worries about the small stuff though. Boss design in this game is horrible. It's like someone took a soldering iron and made a mess, taped wheels to it and called it a boss.

Ketsui has a few things going for it, totally awesome soundtrack, save level 4. Sounds like Daioujou remixed. Totally awesome arrange soundtrack, save level 4. Sounds like Daioujou remixed. People always talk about the patterns that aren't like any other shooting game. They constantly fail to mention that all these patterns suck until you get to the stage 4 boss. Then it's kind of cool and the stage 4 boss is easily the best part of the game. There is a hidden boss in Ketsui called Doom. He looks cool in videos but I suck too much to get to him so I'll have to take their word for it. There is a scoring system in this game. Whenever I cash in I feel a little disappointed, I'm giving you my hard earned chips, do you know how long it took me to collect those? You can't even give me a flashy x100,000. CAVE had some good ideas here. Ripping off Daioujou but making it nothing like Daioujou, wasn't one of them. The backwards scrolling in stage 5 later scene in Galuda II was awesome though. Square patterns of the stage 5 boss made think CAVE was testing the markets to release a board game.

Why are you quoting a review that you wrote?

Reminds me of an old Japanese phrase, something to the amount of, "he who stands out is the least likely to fit in".

[ChainsawGuitarSP]

Yeah, more people need to go back and actually play the original Darius. It deserves far more credit than "gimmicky cabinet and fish."

Or, alternatively, just accept the fact that almost all of them are good in their own way, and that the 32-bit era was NOT the only highlight of the series.

BTW, this is my favorite part of the article:

The designers finally found the intensity that was lacking in all of the previous games. No place better is this demonstrated with than the first boss, a gigantic yellow fish who obliterates a building in the background, swims into the battlefield, and begins inundating you with its metallic scales.

DAMN, I BETTER BE CAREFUL AROUND THAT F3 BOARD, WHO KNOWS WHAT IT MIGHT DO NEXT?

Ragging on Darius? That's a paddlin'

You're not a part of the anti-Darius brigade! shoo! begone!

[RNGmaster]

HG101 really is terrible. I've never found a review there that isn't filled with lies, inconsistencies, and terrible opinions. This article is even worse because every port and sequel is just stacked on top of each other with absolutely no care.

Dragon Blaze article says that you get a bonus for no-missing stages. How the fuck could they screw up describing such a simple scoring system?

[Marc]

I remember a DC mag here in the UK that gave both Gunbird 2 and GigaWing something in the region of 35%. The reviews were beyond tragic.

[Ed Oscuro]

HG101 really is terrible. I've never found a review there that isn't filled with lies, inconsistencies, and terrible opinions. This article is even worse because every port and sequel is just stacked on top of each other with absolutely no care.

Dragon Blaze article says that you get a bonus for no-missing stages. How the fuck could they screw up describing such a simple scoring system?

Don't miss any bonus opportunities

[Estebang]

Yeah, more people need to go back and actually play the original Darius. It deserves far more credit than "gimmicky cabinet and fish."

Or, alternatively, just accept the fact that almost all of them are good in their own way, and that the 32-bit era was NOT the only highlight of the series.

The SNES exclusives are trash, though.

[ChainsawGuitarSP]

Fuck you, Darius Force is amazing by SNES shmup standards, and added more than enough new gameplay features to make it stand out.

[Estebang]

Since Axelay (my vote for #1 console-exclusive shmup) exists, "SNES shmup standards" are different than you think.

I guess "trash" is hyperbole. Darius Force is only mediocre; it's just Twin that's actively painful to play. Though, the nearly full-screen wave laser you can get in Force is pretty silly.

[ChainsawGuitarSP]

I guess "trash" is hyperbole. Darius Force is only mediocre

I'm still not following.

[Estebang]

Okay, I'll admit I never played that far into the game, or on hard mode. They make surprisingly good use of aimed spread patterns. Not surprising that it was less than a year before Gaiden.

Still nothing mind-blowing, but I'll have to give it a second chance, then. Must've been swayed by my traumatic childhood experience with Twin (first shmup I owned!)

[Drum]

I think the original Darius is pretty blah too. Perhaps the quintessential 80s shooter my bumhole.

[Marc]

I've never gotten on with any if them, to tell the truth.

[GaijinPunch]

Ragging on Darius? That's a paddlin'

YES! YES! YES!

Nobody ever gets it when I say that (so I stopped).

I think the original Darius is pretty blah too. Perhaps the quintessential 80s shooter my bumhole.

Japanese gamers in the 80's seemed to think so.

[Mortificator]

And Japanese gamers in the '80s thought Dragon Quest III was the quintessential RPG. That is DELICIOUS.

[Never_Scurred]

I think the original Darius is pretty blah too. Perhaps the quintessential 80s shooter my bumhole.

Thats really how you feel, homie?