Amusingly bad reviews

[Klatrymadon]

Pro tip: if you're about to level criticism at a game for lacking a feature you admit you may have simply overlooked, stop writing your review until you're sure.

[EinhanderZwei]

So apparently Handsome Tom doesn't think DDP DOJ lets you move.

Yeah.

Oooh, THAT video... Actually I wanted to make a new topic about it and name it 'ScrewAttack's Top 10 2D Shooters, or Pick #1 Sucks Ass'. I have mostly no problems with picks #10-#2 (Super R-Type, really? Why not the 1st one?), but #1 - that's what pissed me off the most. UN Squadron is not a bad game, but it's... okay. Too okay to be higher than #10. It's just a mediocre attempt of Capcom to make a sort of a euroshmup with all the features that usually annoy hardcore players (healthbar, shops, etc.). It worked for Raptor (to be honest, I am glad that they've mentioned it), Tyrian, even the fuckin' Xenon 2, but I won't place it at #1! I'd rather see Gradius V or even Hype-a-ruga there

And yeah, I was among the ones pissed off by misinclusion of Life Force, the definitive NES shmup

[Sumez]

I thought Recca was that

Personally, Gradius II is probably the NES shooter I enjoyed the most.

[EinhanderZwei]

I thought Recca was that

Personally, Gradius II is probably the NES shooter I enjoyed the most.

They both may be superior, but let's be honest - whenever someone says 'NES shmup', everybody thinks Life Force

[burgerkingdiamond]

Not a review, but equally if not more stupid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAJwvKFkEgk

Fucking idiot wannabe. hahaha "theres a lot of COD clones out there"

To be fair, he seems quite excited about the game!

? oh come on ! He has no clue what he's talking about. He thinks Akai Katana is a FPS for fucks sake. So if anything he's getting excited over a percieved new FPS coming out, which isn't even good news anyway. He's completely clueless. It does look like he's reading off a cue card or something so maybe it wasn't him that did the *research* to begin with.

[Sumez]

I think his angle is that he's sick of FPS games because they are just a bunch of COD clones nowadays, so he's excited about seeing something new.
Of course it seems like it's coming from a young kid who doesn't realize video games is a lot other than FPS games to begin with, so one could say he's quite late to the party, but I say better late than never...

Personally I prefer that to all those reviewers who instantly classify shoot'em ups as an old school retro experience.

[burgerkingdiamond]

I think his angle is that he's sick of FPS games because they are just a bunch of COD clones nowadays, so he's excited about seeing something new.
Of course it seems like it's coming from a young kid who doesn't realize video games is a lot other than FPS games to begin with, so one could say he's quite late to the party, but I say better late than never...

Personally I prefer that to all those reviewers who instantly classify shoot'em ups as an old school retro experience.

I really think you're misinterpreting what he's saying.

[Blackbird]

They both may be superior, but let's be honest - whenever someone says 'NES shmup', everybody thinks Life Force

I actually think of Captain Skyhawk =D.

[R-Gray 1]

Guys and what do you think about this statement?????

This is actually one of the most cringe-worthy statements I've ever heard a videogame reviewer make:

When you ignore the backgrounds and final boss, each level plays out the same. So essentially, you're playing one level over and over again, just with different bullet patterns.

can you refut it?
are you agree?
totally disagree?

reasons?

I think that statement is not about shmups in general...its about one kind of shmup games.....

[FRO]

And the link that Elixir posted just screams troll. Come on, he got a used japanese 360 just to play Ketsui: Kizuna Jigoku Tachi Extra(yes he spelled it correctly), the very same person who describes space invaders a 1990 DOS game? Please tell me such a person doesn't exist.

That definitely brought the lulz.

[BIL]

Guys and what do you think about this statement?????

This is actually one of the most cringe-worthy statements I've ever heard a videogame reviewer make:

When you ignore the backgrounds and final boss, each level plays out the same. So essentially, you're playing one level over and over again, just with different bullet patterns.

can you refut it?

Yes.

reasons?

It is literally as ignorant as claiming a racing game has you race the same track over and over again with different outfits for the flag girl. "You're just steering and accelerating!" -_-

[Udderdude]

"You're just pushing buttons on a control pad!"

(Real men play shmups on a DDR mat)

[R-Gray 1]

It is literally as ignorant as claiming a racing game has you race the same track over and over again with different outfits for the flag girl. "You're just steering and accelerating!" -_-

hahaha good example...in many shmups the enemies are different...is not the same in all the stages...also other things like speed, stage designs that makes you crash(mountains, walls, ......)

PS: but in racing games there are not bullet patterns

[Paradigm]

PS: but in racing games there are not bullet patterns

What about Kingdom Grand Prix?

[BIL]

PS: but in racing games there are not bullet patterns

Track designs in racing games = level designs (including bullet patterns) in shooting games. Good games from both genres ensure the tracks/levels aren't interchangeable, but diverse enough to test the player's ability in varying ways.

What about Kingdom Grand Prix?

And Gallop, and Cloudphobia. ^_~

[Sumez]

I'd give them, in a Cave game (and most similar verticals), level progression is mainly an indication of increased difficulty, and an excuse to place their bosses in traditional positions. Personally, I think the visual aspect, and music for that matter, helps keeping the game fresh for me, and I like original stage designs to keep the game interesting, I admit the first thing that had me in DeathSmiles was the charming graphics.

On the other hand, series like Gradius and R-Type usually sport a completely different theme, gameplay wise, for each stage.
I wouldn't mind verticals doing more to vary between levels, but as score based games it sort of puts a limit on what you can do. I think DeathSmiles did a pretty decent job at varying between the levels, but I guess it is sort of provoked by the concept of being able to choose between 2x3 levels on roughly the same difficulty level.

Of course, people even criticized DeathSmiles for "repeating the same level"...

[BIL]

I'd give them, in a Cave game (and most similar verticals), level progression is mainly an indication of increased difficulty

Fair enough, but that's not what the reviewer said.

[Sumez]

I never said I agree with the reviewer.

[ChainsawGuitarSP]

Almost forgot about this review of Super R-Type from "Honest Gamers". Labeling it as the worst in the series just for the lack of checkpoints is hilariously inane.

[BIL]

I never said I agree with the reviewer.

I'm saying we can't give them the point that Cave's level designs are more distinguished by enemy arrangements and bullet patterns, rather than new terrain or themes, even though it's true. Because they were too ignorant to make that point in the first place, and instead claimed Deathsmiles' levels are "the same over and over again." Huge difference.

Sorry, I know I'm being picky. (or to use the official shmups forum terminology, an elitist prick)

[toaplan_shmupfan]

in many shmups the enemies are different...is not the same in all the stages

Yes, and this was true even in the retro shumps. For example, Twin Cobra, "it's the same looking enemy helicopter with different colors" would be an example of a poor reviewer comment. Attention to detail would reveal:

• Blue enemy helicopters enter from the top of the screen and attempt to shoot and ram the player's helicopter. (Stage 1)
• Green enemy helicopters enter in pairs--later on in quads--from the top of the screen, pause and hover for a bit, attempt to shoot then--and if not shot down--attempt a close range ram of the player's helicopter. (Stage 2, Stage
• Yellow enemy helicopters enter from the top of the screen, shoot at the player's helicopter, then immediately back up a bit and sweep around the top of the player's helicopter before repeating the attack pattern while already on the screen. (Stage 3, Stage 7)
• Red helicopters enter from the top of the screen, attempt a near ram of the player, pause, shoot, then hover in a circle for a while to prevent player movement if not shot down, then exit out the top or side of the screen. (Stage 4, Stage 9)
• Purple helicopters enter from the upper side of the screen in threes or fours, shoot, pause, then attempt a direct ram of the player's helicopter. (Stage 6)
• Orange helicopters enter and shoot, hover and back up a bit, then sweep sideways and behind the player's helicopter in an attempt to ram it from the back, if the ram is missed it hovers and fires one more shot before finally exiting. (Stage 5, stage 10).

[sikraiken]

Twin Cobra.

Attention to detail would reveal:
This game is slow, boring, and can be looped indefinitely.

[R-Gray 1]

in many shmups the enemies are different...is not the same in all the stages

Yes, and this was true even in the retro shumps.

of course....i love shmups since Nintendo ( and i just liked them on Atari) and they have many good things
nes games i remember now are Star force twin bee gyrodine image fight gradius, B-wings, 1942
i know some retro shmups has too much stages ( 20, 30....) but beat a game was not necesary, specially on Star Force

[Siren2011]

Bumping this thread to link to the shittiest review I've read in a long time. The reviewer doesn't discuss the game's mechanics beyond one sentence, let alone give valid criticism. Basically the reviewer sucks at the game, is completely clueless about the medium he writes for, and is a shit writer to top it off. His ramblings basically amount to "HEY THIS GAME IS HARD!!!11 DER...*drools* Therefore...therefore...*stares vacantly with a lazy eye*... UNINSPIRED C+ NON-ART!"

Were there even laugh tracks playing whenever you kicked someone in the nuts? I think he didn't even get that right, because I don't remember any such thing.

Even though this is from The Onion.com's video game division, he still seems to take himself seriously. So I wouldn't call this a deliberate joke.

First sentence of the review (Emphasis is mine):

While some games try to be cinematic, artful, or respectable (As if Godhand wasn't respectable and artful...), God Hand aims for excess (As if over the top action is deserving of negative connotations...).

http://www.avclub.com/articles/god-hand,8116/

[RNGmaster]

Great up until this part:

The gorgeously realized pixel art, reminiscent of Metal Slug, is married to an epic score and polished design rarely seen in the genre.

Yeah, thanks for that.

[Bananamatic]

response to the previous review of god hand

just because you suck doesn't mean it's bad

[xbl0x180]

It is literally as ignorant as claiming a racing game has you race the same track over and over again with different outfits for the flag girl. "You're just steering and accelerating!" -_-

PS: but in racing games there are not bullet patterns

If there were sequels to S.T.U.N. Runner and Roadblasters, there should be

[MadScientist]

Keeping up the God Hand theme - both of these are actual review summaries from IGN

[BIL]

Here are some classic amusingly AWESOME reviews to balance things out, and remind humanity that some people still know how to review shooters.

ZARBULON by Zebra Airforce

BIO HAZARD BATTLE by JoshF

AIR BUSTER by Rob

LIGHTENING FORCE by The Coop

GRADIUS V by yours truly.

[iconoclast]

EGM's review of Child of Eden

COE evokes Rez both positively and negatively. While the Dreamcast title is a classic, some of its elements are now clearly relics of its time - a sparse level quantity with no checkpoints, for example - and a turn-off in today's era [sic].

The gameplay - whether using motion controls or a conventional controller - isn't responsive or fast enough to keep up with the challenges.

The difficulty would be more forgivable if the game offered some rhyme or reason to providing health or Euphoria drops - at least some skill would be involved in surviving - but they're randomized. [They're not random at all.]