Confidence?

[Khan]

...

[ryu]

not knowing what you look like, my advice is that you don't get that surgery and should seek a psychotherapist. especially with your lack of self confidence chances are you're not as ugly as you believe you are.

in any case, getting medical treatment is your best bet. not everyone can deal with these things on their own.

[hail good sir]

Work on being comfortable with yourself, since this will you change how you view the world and other people. It's pretty much the basis of psychological therapy. Once you are comfortable with yourself you may find there is no reason to be uncomfortable around others. If it's something else, such as pure anxiety or over-thinking things, that's a little more complicated... but either way consider therapy.

"Be yourself" and "stop worrying/trying so hard" are the classic answers to confidence issues, but the problem is that people who need to hear it probably aren't going to understand it, until they don't need to hear it.

If someone isn't interested in what you have to say then find someone who is. There is no good, rational reason to be bothered by some random person not liking you, think about it that way.

If a girl wanted you to dance with her then why do you think you're unattractive? It would seem it's the exact opposite? Most people don't even get noticed if they go to a bar and act like a wallflower, you know.

[Frenetic]

I'd second ryu's suggestion, please see a therapist. Everyone needs help sometimes and it's not bad to ask. You go to a doctor when you are physically sick, right? If you are mentally sick, see a therapist. At your 30's there is plenty of time to find that special someone to share your life with.

Before you go into something drastic like physical surgery, etc. Please go see a therapist.
Seems like you are not as hideous as you think if a girl had grabbed your hand to dance.

And as for confidence and video game playing. That thrill of playing shmups where you have that nervousness and tension when you are around girls, try mentally transforming your anxiety about talking to women to conflate with that tension/apprehension when you play a difficult video game.

When you talk to women sure, you might get shut down, but remember you fail all the time in a video game, right? You get hit by a bullet, fall down a hole in a platformer, etc. BUT you get further and further in the game little by little. Try approaching your interactions with women in the same way, and build up your power level.

Last bit--don't get hung up on finding THE RIGHT ONE. Date women that like you and you like them, you need to build up XP in the skill of dating, so actualize things rather then get caught up in your head. Make things happen rather than mull it over.

Good luck Khan!
--F

[Skykid]

Firstly drop that plastic surgery shit. You don't need anything like that unless it's something that's a serious physical impairment. Don't speak to South Koreans for advice on the matter either. Besides if a girl grabs your hand asks you to dance, ever, that's a surefire sign you don't need it.

And you don't need bloody psychotherapy ffs! Don't listen to these guys above. Psychotherapy is a crock of shit and you'll just end up being diagnosed as bipolar like every other Joe who walks through the door.

Confidence is all you'll ever need, you don't need to be Johnny Depp. I understand it's not an easy thing to suddenly develop if it's something you've never been good at mustering it up, and it's possible you could take some classes or something that helps you work on it with some exercises. But honestly, it's a process of practice, and I'm no expert but I don't think there's any strict rule to adjusting behaviour or controlling your nerves.

Keep in mind you're not alone. The world is a harsh place. We're all insecure at times, and every single motherfucker in this room was shit-scared of talking to girls at some point or another. The fact you're actually interested in doing so rather than sitting at home and playing erotic visual novels means you've already leapfrogged half of Japan, so take some confidence in that.

My advice is practice. Throw yourself in at the deep end more often that not and don't let an awkward situation play on your mind - they're never as bad as you perceive them to be anyway. I recommend hanging around with other confident people and try to soak some of that up, learn to relax and enjoy yourself and stop over analysing things. And if you ever get stung with rejection, just say fuck it and get right back on it with someone else. I got plenty of rejection in my youth because I had ridiculously high standards and was always punching well above my weight, lol, but I didn't really give a shit. Besides, if you score one in ten, well a goal's a goal.

Some things:

1: If you drink, don't talk to women drunk. Dutch courage is fine and all that, but not when you keep forgetting their name and start saying really stupid shit. I used to find it much easier when I started conversations sober, even in a club. Then you can be yourself and that's what really works best.

2: Never try too hard. You'll be surprised how a simple conversation can lead to better things.

3: I know several guys who have had luck with dating sites, but to be honest I find that really scary. I don't know if I'd ever have the balls for that, but it's a good way to force yourself to sit with someone for period of time and develop some skills.

Also if you lived in Asia you would have been dragged by force into a brothel by now. Just saying.

[n0rtygames]

"Be yourself" and "stop worrying/trying so hard" are the classic answers to confidence issues, but the problem is that people who need to hear it probably aren't going to understand it, until they don't need to hear it.

This is the wisest advice anyone could possibly give you. Ever seen a guy after a break up with a serious g/f - even if its temporary? Even the hardiest most good looking of guys can retreat in their own personal cave and no amount of advice will pull them out of it usually!

Listen to everyone who has answered before me and please try to relax more!

As for the women thing - you're not alone in that regard. I (and many others I'll bet) was basically like that for years. Essentially a wasteland and then suddenly once I got a g/f I had women flying at me from many angles. Don't ask me how/why this happens, it just does and its ridiculous. Now I'm married with 2 kids despite mostly being a complete nerd.. so go figure. Even the mightiest of unattractive nerds (me) eventually has their time I guess! I really like Frenetic's advice though of not getting hung up on finding the right one. You should avoid this

Just gotta give it time and not let it drag you down. Don't go getting surgery, because that's not the core issue. I have the most demented teeth you will ever see in your life I swear.. but they make practically no difference to my life other than me occasionally going "Bleurgh, I'm a hideous beast!"

Also why should you feel bad about playing computer games to fight off boredom? Look how many couples just mong in front of the TV on the sofa.

So, relax - enjoy yourself and let time take its course. Things will surely look up in time if you adopt a good mindset

- Steve

[n0rtygames]

And you don't need bloody psychotherapy ffs! Don't listen to these guys above. Psychotherapy is a crock of shit and you'll just end up being diagnosed as bipolar like every other Joe who walks through the door.

Confidence is all you'll ever need, you don't need to be Johnny Depp.

Skykid is completely wrong about Deathsmiles - but in this instance he's right about something. As you're from the UK he's actually 100% spot on about the response you'll get from doctors here in the UK. Best to try and do as much of it on your own as you can dude.

[Obiwanshinobi]

I'm a wallflower and I accept it about myself. The real problem I have is that I dislike men. See, my father disliked women, my mother disliked men and I took her side so to speak.
Realised that in my thirties and it helped great deal, for now I know better what's going on with me. This kind of knowledge is mighty helpful.

[railslave]

My advice is ,

You are you ... there's nothing wrong with you. And enjoy being single!! while you can.. You loose an element of your identity when your with someone constantly, its scary.

Try not to compare yourself to anyone else. You got your own unique destiny.


If you ever feel uncomfortable, maybe its the situation your in, blame that before you blame yourself.

Maybe your better than that, more intelligent than all that caveman stuff. ..mating ritual stuff.

I met my wife in a Christian Church because i refuse to go out and get drunk and put on some act ; just to meet another person that "isnt realy like that" as well, whos better than that.


How cool would it be to meet someone in a library or a quake convention ?? !! thats when the magic happens!


Oh , and who can sustain eye contact these days ??

[Randorama]

.

3: I know several guys who have had luck with dating sites, but to be honest I find that really scary. I don't know if I'd ever have the balls for that, but it's a good way to force yourself to sit with someone for period of time and develop some skills.
.

My last four relationships were the result of spending some time online to chat with someone. In two cases, I did not chat enough and ended up with two psychos who still stalk me from time to time. In the other two cases, I chatted enough, and one of them became my waifu. I must say that without the first online contact, my wife would have not summoned enough courage to meet me in real life, since at the time she was really insecure about her social skills (ugly period of her life). Bottom line: online dating may work, especially for some.


I would also talk about the period of raw sexual debauchery in which I "dated" online like a hungry weasel, but the details would really be forbidden to anyone below 40 or so.

[ED-057]

It always seems to me that when i talk to somone they arent interested and that my voice is terrible infact so much so that I hate it.

The voice issue might be able to be improved with training. Try reading dialog aloud into a microphone which is amplified and routed back to headphones perhaps, so that you can hear yourself as other people do, which often sounds differently than how one sounds in one's own head. Or listen to a recording of someone else speaking and try to mimic their speech patterns.

some girl grabbed my hand and wanted me to dance with her but i instantly started sweating

If it is just the physiological response of sweating, adrenaline, increased heartrate, etc. that is holding you back then that could probably be treated (ie. prescription drugs)

But some people are just not as social as others. Extroverts seem to have a natural belief that everyone else is or should be the same as they are, and introverts pick up on this and come to believe that they are mentally defective. The first step for introverts to gain some self confidence is to recognize that not everyone is an extrovert, and be willing to point this out when extroverts inevitably make broad assumptions about what is normal behavior.

I really dont know what to do instead im constantly on steam putting thousands of hours into video games and feeling like a nobody

Are you feeling like a nobody because games aren't that important to you? Or because they aren't important to other people? Because if games are important to you, then I would say that is what matters and fuck other people. If games aren't doing for you, then look for some new activites/hobbies/skills.

[gabe]

Are you feeling like a nobody because games aren't that important to you? Or because they aren't important to other people? Because if games are important to you, then I would say that is what matters and fuck other people. If games aren't doing for you, then look for some new activites/hobbies/skills.

This. Despite tremendous pressure from society that says otherwise, there's actually nothing wrong with being an introverted recluse. Do more of the things that make you happy, and less of the things that don't. We're here for a good time, not a long time.

[hermit crab]

Loneliness leads to a lack of confidence, which leads to more loneliness. It's a vicious cycle, and it doesn't end well.

I recommend you read this article (and maybe even the book that it's about) if you want to understand why you feel the way you feel: http://magazine.uchicago.edu/1012/featu ... ness.shtml

It's not a self-help book though it will just explain the phenomena.

For help, well If you want my advice, and you shouldn't, true to my username I'm a hermit and have gone completely bonkers because of it but... Spend time with people. You don't have to be all that interesting, most people aren't. You don't have to try to impress them, I mean you don't expect them to somehow impress you do you? Don't worry about getting a girlfriend, getting laid, whatever. Just spend time with people. They need to spend time with people too, and you're people. Maybe eventually you'll meet someone you like and who likes you and you'll get your princess but even if she's "in another castle" it will still beat feeling like a nobody playing video games alone. Listen to your subconsciousness that's screaming at you and asking you to change.

[louisg]

Are you feeling like a nobody because games aren't that important to you? Or because they aren't important to other people? Because if games are important to you, then I would say that is what matters and fuck other people. If games aren't doing for you, then look for some new activites/hobbies/skills.

This. Despite tremendous pressure from society that says otherwise, there's actually nothing wrong with being an introverted recluse. Do more of the things that make you happy, and less of the things that don't. We're here for a good time, not a long time.

Totally.

And seriously, if you go to a bar and a chick randomly wants to dance with you, you're not doing as badly as you think. I'm not a bad looking dude, I'm pretty outgoing, and that has never once happened to me.

Also, don't let people shame you for being a virgin. I was a virgin really really late, and then I met a girl who thought that was cute And I know a lot of really awesome, creative, smart people who didn't date until they were older.

So, your post actually reads a lot like how I feel when I'm depressed. I grew up with a bad speech problem, my teeth aren't fantastic, and I just plain look different from a lot of people. For a long time, I was really depressed. But I actually feel totally different about myself these days, and it's done a lot for my social life.

It sounds like you have a huge amount of social anxiety, which makes perfect sense if you've been kind of hiding out for a bit. Keep going out and fighting your fears. Alcohol helps, too.

Don't sell your hobbies short. If they bring you happiness, that's what matters. I find that videogames and music bring me balance to my life. You can do both hobbies and socialize! When you need to recover from the strain of trying to meet new people, fire up videogames and recharge your mental batteries.

[Jonathan Ingram]

And seriously, if you go to a bar and a chick randomly wants to dance with you, you're not doing as badly as you think.

Unless you`re in Japan and the bar in question is a hostess bar.

[nasty_wolverine]

And seriously, if you go to a bar and a chick randomly wants to dance with you, you're not doing as badly as you think.

Unless you`re in Japan and the bar in question is a hostess bar.

Unless you`re in a red light district and the bar in question is a brothel.

But seriously, I am an introvert too. I hardly go out apart from with a few close friends. I always had a inferiority complex about my teeth and hands (mild case of contact dermatitis, only solution to wear gloves always), also have a half a glasgow smile because of a mugging few years back. I was bad with girls before, sometimes I think of the stuff that came out of my mouth in my younger years, and I think "Da Fuq was I thinking?". But life is a learning experience. The more you put yourself on the spot the more you will learn. Turns out, the hand condition doesnt bother most people once they know what its about. Over the years, with a little practice and learning, I can speak sensible even loaded with adrenaline, and girls actually find the half glasgow smile manly!!!

As I have said earlier in this forum somewhere. "Dating" and "Playing Shmups" are not very different. You see a game you like and you think you might want to play it a bit and see how it goes. You might put in a few credits and a get feel of it, may be even like it alot. Then you may want to 1CC it. You will probably watch some superplays of how better players have done it in the past and try out their strategies. Maybe try out your own new strategies. You might be stuck with a bad player ship, with a little slow movement, or a delayed bomb, but you learn to live with it and and may even learn to use it to your advantage. Eventually you will progress and get closer to the final boss, the TLB. On your best run, you will sweat, you will feel the fear that you may mess up any time, but the practice has paid off and you know how to better control your nerves now. On that final run, your patience and practice has paid off. YOU ARE AT THE LAST TLB.

And seriously, getting to a TLB and a TLP dont feel very different. Well, atleast a TLP doesnt shoot sprays of bullets at you.

TLP = True Last Panty

[BareKnuckleRoo]

I really dont know what to do instead im constantly on steam putting thousands of hours into video games and feeling like a nobody I guess once i get that surgery to fix my aesthetics i can be a little more confident

This reminds me of Mary Kay Bergman. Fantastic voice actress, but she suffered from depression that went undiagnosed/untreated, causing her to be convinced that she was losing her talent and such, when she was still as fantastic as ever.

See this?

Last week I went out with a friend and we went to this bar where some girl grabbed my hand and wanted me to dance with her

Yeah, this means it's not a problem with your aesthetics, it's an issue with your self-esteem/confidence/anxiety/etc. Go see a therapist, it'll make a world of difference to see a professional who knows how to help with this.

[Rob]

I really dont know what to do instead im constantly on steam putting thousands of hours into video games and feeling like a nobody

Well that's pretty stupid. You might not enjoy social interaction, but that doesn't mean you have to sit inside, use video games incorrectly and feel like a nobody as a result. I think the do/learn new stuff/skills (outside or inside, with others or alone) is right, but simply "happiness is all that matters" is not right. Self-respect is what matters. Not going to get that from inhaling cotton candy, rolling down grassy hills or whatever.

[GaijinPunch]

Go to Burning Man... 75% of the people you can approach and they actually want to talk to you.

[gct]

I'll second what Skykid et al. have said, and offer my own input and experience.

when a girl starts talking to me i keep thinking that i have no chance with her and that I dont deserve her

It sounds like you are giving yourself a lot of pressure, like you're supposed to make every female you meet become your girlfriend. I always had that attitude until very recently (like early this year) and I always just cracked and scared people away. Once I got myself to relax and chat without making any particular effort to impress and put on my best face, I've been able to make a few more female friends. Sure, some of them would be way out of my league and most of them are already in relationships*, but they're fun just to hang out with and while it would be nice if one of them eventually falls in love with me, I don't really care if I never get to date any of them.

I am actually enjoying single life much more after I stopped worrying so much about outcomes. Once you try asking a girl to meet for coffee or for her phone number or something, you won't believe how easy it is just to say those words. Sometimes she will say yes, sometimes she will say no and that's about the worst that can happen, it's hardly disastrous. If she says no (to meeting, not phone number) like 6 times in a row over the span of a few weeks or months then you start asking someone else if you're not already doing so.

So just drop that self-deprecating stuff. Nobody is going to instantly become your girlfriend without taking time to know you more. You just need to make some friends to hang out with first and you should be able to if you say girls will start talking to you and even grab your hand, Jesus. You should be doing better than a lot of us.

*this was probably the single biggest help to myself personally for reducing pressure to impress

[Blackbird]

This may just be my personal experience, but here are my thoughts on the topic.

I think of confidence just like a muscle; you need to exercise your confidence in order to build it up. I used to be really shy in high school, but by challenging myself with increasingly difficult social situations over a period of time, I was able to build up my ego to the point where I can now get shot down by sexy acrobats and not get bent outta shape by it (too much...) .

Judging from your reaction, it seems like you have a fair bit of anxiety. Can you talk normally with male friends? I would start there. Build up some good relationships with trustworthy men first. Then, when you are comfortable with that step, start to make relationships with women.

This may sound somewhat selfish, but it can really help if you begin making friends with women that you aren't attracted to/don't plan to date at first. This greatly reduces the perceived pressure of wanting to impress the other person and lets you be more socially relaxed. Try talking to women in your workplace and just make small talk. Once you've mastered this step and are comfortable having casual conversations with women, you will find it easier to take initiative with the women you are attracted to.

Stuck on conversation topics? Here's the secret: the most enjoyable, wonderful conversations are the ones that come from being sincere, generous, and genuinely putting yourself out there. Just talk about the things that you're passionate about without being ashamed, and at the same time try to learn about what they really enjoy. Once you've found a topic you both have interest in, the conversation will naturally flow. Any person that is worth having around will respect you for your interests and enthusiasm - and if they ridicule you for your interests, well, you've just flagged someone to avoid in the future =P.

[drauch]

I used to be the same way. I drank a bunch of alcohol and experienced a bunch of terrible times, relationships, and jobs, but I think I came out ahead, mentally. Now I can sorta talk to people I don't know and I enjoy staying inside because I hate everyone. This is probably not good advice.

Do you exercise? That helped me. I love sitting inside, but exercise changes everything. Let of some steam, treat your body better, then play video games. A problem I always had, and still kind of do: do you actually want to change? I always longed for a girlfriend and different social situations or travel or whatever everyone else everyone does, but the more I finally experience these things, the more I realize I don't care or need them. Most of the people I know are all married, long-term relationships, moved away, whatever. I'd rather die. Life is what you want it to be, not what you think or what others tell you it should be.

Thinking that "you don't deserve" someone is probably one of the worst things you can think. Who the fuck are they that makes them so special? Plastic surgery won't fix anything, because there isn't anything to be fixed in the first place. Unless you're the Elephant Man, be yourself.

[moh]

I enjoy staying inside because I hate everyone

[rancor]

I think of confidence just like a muscle; you need to exercise your confidence in order to build it up. I used to be really shy in high school, but by challenging myself with increasingly difficult social situations over a period of time, I was able to build up my ego to the point where I can now get shot down by sexy acrobats and not get bent outta shape by it (too much...) .

This.

In H.S. I used to be terrified of speaking in front of small groups. Several rock bands later, as well as all the public speaking courses / speech classes offered at my university, followed by a year of teaching H.S. here in Japan and I feel like I could sing the national anthem in a packed stadium with no problems. I don't even blink at a public speaking engagement now. The only way to get better is just by doing it over and over and over and over. Failing so many times that eventually you get it right and realize that whether it's talking to girls, completing that impossible clear (Garegga for me at the moment) or speaking in front of groups - just do it until it becomes second nature and you think nothing of it.

[Skykid]

I really dont know what to do instead im constantly on steam putting thousands of hours into video games and feeling like a nobody

Well that's pretty stupid. You might not enjoy social interaction, but that doesn't mean you have to sit inside, use video games incorrectly and feel like a nobody as a result. I think the do/learn new stuff/skills (outside or inside, with others or alone) is right, but simply "happiness is all that matters" is not right. Self-respect is what matters. Not going to get that from inhaling cotton candy, rolling down grassy hills or whatever.

^ This is correct.

[Furry Fox Jet Pilot]

Holy crap! After I finished reading your situation, I felt like I was looking into a mirror of my own life. I may only be 18, but I can relate to your situation almost exactly to the point.

Im in my 30's and truthfully I've always found it hard to speak or interact with people as such doing little things like making eye contact ive found quite difficult I mean i can make eye contact but not for very long as such i struggle with keeping a person interested in a topic. It always seems to me that when i talk to somone they arent interested and that my voice is terrible infact so much so that I hate it.

I read somewhere that people are always criticizing their own voice, but it's because they always hear it from their perspective. Try recording yourself talking, and listen to it. You'll be surprised at how different it sounds. That's you sound to others when talking, and I'm sure your voice isn't that bad, I promise. Also, if you're like me, and it's difficult to maintain eye contact and keep people interested in a topic, just remember, the key is finding someone who shares interests with you. Also, ask them plenty of questions, get to know them better, have them do most of the talking, people love talking about themselves. Once you gain a bit more confidence, start commenting back and offering your own opinions, etc. Taking a public speech class might help, although at first it might seem like living hell. (I'm going through that right now in my first year of college.)

Unfortunately this has meant me not having a relationship or even a GF ever so as such im still a virgin. Last week I went out with a friend and we went to this bar where some girl grabbed my hand and wanted me to dance with her but i instantly started sweating and had to go sit back down even when a girl starts talking to me i keep thinking that i have no chance with her and that I dont deserve her and after a few lines its like I dont know what to say and my mind goes blank, I'm not the best looking guy in the world and really want plastic surgery to fix my jaw and nose even my teeth need sorting out so if i laugh or smile i try to subconsciously hide my teeth but I dont know what else to do, my brother keeps telling me to go out more and socialise and if i get rejected stop being scared of it and be a man its their loss ect but it doesnt stop me from going back into a recluse.

I may not have much experience dealing with relationships, but I know the pain you're going through here all too well; I didn't have my first GF until I was 17, in my senior year of high school. Throughout my teen years, I felt alone, empty, and I'll admit, desperate. My only relationship lasted only lasted 4 months, but I learned a lot in that span of time from my ex-gf, who is now my best friend.
Lesson 1: DO NOT, I repeat, do not have that mentality where you feel like you are not good enough for a girl; it will ruin relationships(Trust me, that's what destroyed mine, and I still live with the regrets even though it's only been about a year since we've been apart. )
Lesson 2: If a girl comes up to you and wants to talk, dance, or whatever, then it means she sees something interesting in you. Just go with it, even if you feel nervous.
Lesson 3: Have confidence in yourself and love yourself for who you are, and until you do, no girl will want to be with you.
Remember, you don't want to go down the path I'm on, it hurts more to lose the person you care about the most because of a simple issue with self-esteem than to wait until you are confident in yourself.
Regarding your physical appearance, don't get plastic surgery unless there is a very good medical reason for it; sometimes it just does more harm than good. If you have confidence in yourself, girls will like you for who you are, if they only look at your appearance, then they are shallow and not worth your time. If fat, ugly, or just plain weird guys can get girls, then so can you. Hell, if I got lucky once (considering the fact that I look like the vocalist for a death metal band, with greasy long hair and glasses, despite the fact I have ZERO musical talent), then I'm sure you can do the same.

I really dont know what to do instead im constantly on steam putting thousands of hours into video games and feeling like a nobody I guess once i get that surgery to fix my aesthetics i can be a little more confident, i have never met anyone like me or as shy which worries me alot because i guess there is something really wrong with me

Millions of people spend countless hours playing video games, that doesn't make you a nobody. Have you tried perhaps meeting gamer girls?, there are quite a few girls out there who enjoy playing video games as much as the typical guy. There's nothing wrong with you, the world is full of people like you, you just need to work on your self-esteem a bit.
Good Luck!

[xbl0x180]

I really have nothing to add, except that I'm also world-weary... a bit like Drauch. It's laughable now that I think back to all the shit I endured and hoops I jumped through in order to have the acceptance and love of others that when I finally had it it wasn't fulfilling for me. I never really did get the girl either hahah. Oh, well. Luckily, some of those things I did for others worked out for me in the end. I often quip that I should get a shirt that says, "I graduated from uni and applied for a work promotion - and all I got was a lousy degree and more money"

Cheer up. You're at loose ends. You can literally do whatever the fuck you want and don't have to justify your thoughts and actions to anyone. Heheh. You don't even realise what a luxury that is to some married dudes out there.

Ha! Looks as if I did have something more to add...

[neorichieb1971]

I had the OP's type of issues into my mid 20's. My teeth were all fucked up at the front and I have a cleft pallet. When your born with a handicap (even if its looks), you do feel down and out. School is hard thing to get through and women were always a concern.

However, its probably a good idea to get your teeth sorted straight away. If you can't afford it in America go to the Philippines like i did and pay your $100-$200 to get a quick fix. I did that and I still have the fake front teeth in now after 5 years. Also, I married a Filipino lady who is beautiful, looks under 20 and is the age of 36. Not saying you should go that route though.

With your new found teeth you will probably find confidence straight away. If you go to the Philippines or somewhere similar you will find that women will flock to you. So it could be a good taster. You don't even need confidence in the Philippines trust me. But use common sense of course.

This is all my first hand experience talking. America isn't the worst country.. Try the UK.. Its much worse here.. If your not perfect and want a woman thats only half decent looking your going to struggle. Especially if you don't have lots of flash cash. But firstly, get over this sweating business. If you find it hard to have a conversation, just let the other person talk until your response is required, but otherwise seem agreeable and smile a lot. Thats all there is to it my friend.

Hope some of this helps,

Take care bud.

[NTSC-J]

And enjoy being single!! while you can..

I think a 30-year-run is plenty. Time to make a move!

The sad reality for guys is that the longer you go feeling bad about yourself and women, the harder it gets. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Another unfortunate fact is that guys with no confidence have no sex and women with no confidence have a lot of it. Nothing guys like more than a woman who's down on her luck and vulnerable, but women can't stand it in guys. So don't convince yourself that you're worthless. If you do, they will agree.

Looks don't really matter. Obviously, they can't hurt: if you have piercing blue eyes and a cleft chin that could hold a taco, your odds are better, but don't think that's the reason things aren't happening.

And when in doubt, travel to Asia for a while. Someone will have you.

[ACSeraph]

A problem I always had, and still kind of do: do you actually want to change? I always longed for a girlfriend and different social situations or travel or whatever everyone else everyone does, but the more I finally experience these things, the more I realize I don't care or need them. Most of the people I know are all married, long-term relationships, moved away, whatever. I'd rather die. Life is what you want it to be, not what you think or what others tell you it should be.

I was surprised by the amount of good advice in this thread, but this is the one that struck closest to home for me. I ended up getting married, and lost about 6-7 years to a hellish relationship. Before I got into that felt similarly to you, but once I had made it all the way I realized that it really wasn't what I wanted out of life in the first place. My freedom was so much more valuable to me, and sometimes its not easy to get out of a relationship once you're in.

The biggest thing I learned was that even when you are in a relationship you are still fundamentally alone. If you have a lonely void in your heart, unfortunately no other person will be able to fill it for you. Rather, you will have to learn to cope with it yourself. Being in a relationship only helped me cope with my inner darkness because I finally realized that I was the only one who could save myself from myself.

Relationships are good for some people without a doubt, but they aren't for everyone. Don't feel like you have to be in one just because it's the societal norm.

Take everyone's advice here, be casual about meeting people and keep in mind that if it doesn't work out that's probably for the better. Having a bad relationship "work out" is a whole new layer of hell. Understanding that what is not meant to be is for the love of god not meant to be will take a lot of pressure off and make things easier.

Short version: Stop giving so many fucks. Live for you.