jesus fuck edmond, what
Copypasta'd in case he tries to delete it to save face.
GIANT EDIT
Guess who went and deleted this post from his blog exactly like I predicted he would? Sadly, the textdump link is broken, but as a result of someone's suggestion, and thanks to Archive.org, here's the full shitpost Edmond wrote in its entirety:
His blog's tagline is "A record of virtual victory", I still don't know whether to laugh or cry every time I read this.My First Attempt At An MLP Fanfic
September 19, 2013 by Moe Dantes
0
Hey guys, get ready to see me reach a new low. I’ve attempted to make my first ever MLP fanfic. Keep reading if you want to see it.
A DISCLAIMER: The story is not based on or inspired by any recent debates or any internet personalities whatsoever. Any similarities you may notice are just you imagining things. Honest!
STORY STARTS BELOW
Sky Boy Gets a Ticket
by Edmond Dantes
—–
One day, a pegasus pony named Sky Boy was blazing through the air, when suddenly he heard sirens. He slowed to a hover as the pegasus in uniform caught up to him.
“Did you realize you were flying over the speed limit?” The officer asked.
Sky Boy had, in fact, seen the cloud-sign a few feet back that said School Zone, no flying over 50mph, but he had decided to ignore it. After all, if he accidentally killed a foal who was dumb enough to fly out into the middle of traffic, it was their own fault for being retarded. But he didn’t need to tell the officer that! “Uhh, no, sir, I did not!”
“Well, you were! You got a license?”
“A license? Umm… wait, yeah, right here.” And Sky Boy reached over into the space that’s just on the side you can’t see where ponies can pull out any document they need at any time (seriously has anyone but me noticed that?)
The officer looked over the license, and commented, “Do you realize this expired months ago?”
“Umm, yeah! I was just about to go have it renewed!”
“Why didn’t you get it renewed before it expired?”
Sky Boy spoke under his breath, “Because bite me.”
“WHAT WAS THAT?!”
“I, uhh, I said because it frightened me! Uh, yeah, I get nervous when I take tests. Heh, yeah…”
The cop wasn’t buying it, but saw no reason to make this more difficult than it had to be. Still, Sky Boy had lost his sympathy points and so the cop said, “Well, I’m giving you a ticket.”
“A TICKET?!”
“Yeah, a ticket.” The cop quickly wrote it out, and attached it to Sky Boy’s flank. “You’re due at traffic court tomorrow. The time is on the ticket. And next time, think twice before speeding!”
With that, the cop sped off, leaving Sky Boy to fume with rage. Unthinkingly he tore the ticket apart, but then quickly realized what he had done and hastily grabbed the shreds and, finding a forest full of maple trees, stuck them back together with sap. “Control yourself, Sky Boy,” he said to himself. “There’ll be time.”
Having nothing better to do, Sky Boy flew to his home and partook in his two favorite activities, video games and Ponynternet. On Ponynternet, Sky Boy had a number of favorite websites, one of which was a discussion forum. He went to that forum.
At the very top, he saw someone had posted “The Grun Topic.” Geez, gruns. Gruns were dangerous instruments that allowed ponies to hurt each other from far away, and had been a controversial subject for decades. Sky Boy didn’t understand why–in a sane world, all gruns would be gathered up and burned in a fire! All they were was tools of destruction! Who needed ‘em? Wasn’t the world bad enough without making killing easier?
And of course, the guy who started the topic was Humpty Dumbness. That was really his name, and in Sky Boy’s opinion, it was well earned. Okay, let’s see what the moron has to say today…
“If you outlaw gruns, only outlaws will have gruns!” Began Humpty’s message. He followed by citing some historical example about how they had once tried to ban cider and it had backfired horribly. Sky Boy was not an avid fan of history, but even so, he figured this story was made up. After all, why would they ban cider? Cider doesn’t kill people, unlike gruns! Besides, if you outlaw gruns, then outlaws won’t be able to get gruns! Everypony knows that criminals don’t break the law! Sky Boy continued reading.
“In all studies conducted, the results have shown time and again that crime rates go up whenever gruns are outlawed. Here’s some studies, conducted by the Celestia Academy itself!” Bah, the Celestia Academy. Being the most highly-regarded research institute in the world didn’t mean they knew what they were talking about! After all, one word on page three could be mispelled, that meant the entire study was to be doubted! In any case, Sky Boy doubted the research ethics of anyone who seriously came out in favor of gruns. He didn’t even bother to read the reports, and instead continued reading Humpty’s post.
“Some people say that grun crimes will go down, and that’s true, but the results always show that banning gruns does not lower crime–the criminals just use a different weapon. And with regards to accidental grunfire, more ponies are killed by speeding pegasi than by gruns. Should we ban pegasi?” Oh, that old chestnut! Once again, Dumbness had linked to charts and studies that supposedly demonstrated his point. Sky Boy didn’t have to read them–surely they were all lies anyway. Everyone knew passing more laws lowered crime! It was simple math!
“Besides!” Humpty concluded his post, “Lots of jobs and occupations are dependent on grun-use! Zookeepers, police officers, the guys who hunt wild soybean monsters to supply soy at the grocery store… and what about putting down rabid dogs? Only safe way to do that is from a distance!” Blah blah blah. Sky Boy was well educated enough to know that none of these occupations actually existed and there was no such thing as a “rabid dog.” What does that mean, anyway? A dog that’s really fast? Why would you want to shoot a poor, defenseless dog anyway?
Sky Boy had had enough. It was time to post.
The message Sky Boy posted read, “Humpty, shut up. Clearly you are suffering from paranoid delusions and have” Sky Boy had to click on a mental disease randomizer to come up with something, “Parkinsons. You should seek help. Anyway, I’ve already argued this point against other insane foals with Parkinsons, I’m not going to repeat myself for you.”
It was true, after all. He had this same argument three months back, in which the pony on the receiving end–some idiotic unicorn named Twilight Sparkle who had told everyone she was a student of Princess Celestia–tried most of these same arguments. Sky Boy realized she was a hopeless case when she kept whining that the anti-grun crowd wasn’t providing “valid proof” that banning gruns would do any good. Hadn’t that bitch been listening two years ago when that school got shot up? Clearly if gruns were banned then those foals wouldn’t have died! Twilight Spittle had tried to claim gruns already were illegal and yet the crime had happened anyway, which clearly wasn’t true–after all, if they weren’t legal, then the crime wouldn’t have happened, because criminals never break laws!
Sky Boy had enough. He turned off his computer and went to bed.
The next day Sky Boy went to traffic court. He already knew what he was gonna say.
The judge asked, “Are you prepared to pay the fine?”
“No!”
“No?”
“Sir, this ticket was given to me in error. I was in fact not speeding!”
The cop who had given him the ticket was standing right next to the judge’s platform. He did not look impressed. “You do know, don’t you, that pegasi have special magical instruments that allow us to detect flight speeds?”
“So?” Sky Boy asked. Blah blah magic. Proves nothing.
“So, saying you were not speeding is not a smart move. We can prove for a fact that you were.”
“Your magic doohickey was broken!”
“Oh, can you prove that?”
“Prove? PROVE?! Oh dear Celestia, what proof do you need? It said I was speeding when I wasn’t! That’s proof enough!”
The cop facehoofed. “That’s like discrediting a witness by saying ‘she says I did it when I know I didn’t so clearly she’s wrong’. That reasoning does not fly in court, my boy.”
“Don’t ‘my boy’ me! If logic means nothing to you, then I’ve got nothing more to say. I won’t waste my time pandering to your woeful intellect! Clearly you have Dunning-Krueger Syndrome and should seek help! For the sake of my sanity, I’m done!”
And Sky Boy tried to walk out, only to be perplexed when he was stopped by two more guards.
“Throw him in the brig,” the judge declared. “And due to his outburst today, I’m ordering a mandatory psychiatric evaluation.”
Sky Boy was released a day later, and refused to seek the court-ordained evaluation, and so wound up in jail again. This time, a shrink visited him in jail, and when she produced her diagnosis–ironically, it being that Sky Boy himself had Dunning-Krueger Syndrome–he flew into a rage and tried to kill her. Sky Boy has ever since been in a straightjacket, in a holding cell in a psychiatric ward.
Word eventually got back to Twilight Sparkle through her net-buddy, Humpty Dumbness. Humpty wrote to her, “I hate to sound petty, but I’m glad that guy is locked up. He was clearly a bully and I don’t know why everyone agreed with him all the time. Maybe now that they’ve seen the mess he got himself into, they’ll realize he was wrong and rethink their beliefs.”
Twilight sighed, and said, “Yeah, maybe you’re right. Especially now that Celestia has announced publicly that instead of banning gruns, everyone is forced to own one by law. Apparently such a rule really helped make Tail-Swisherland safe and secure. I’d hate to think of a psychopath like Sky Boy with a grun, though.”
“You said it!” Humpty replied, and the two went on to talk about video games together.
THE END
Posted in My Cruddy Prose.
