Amusingly bad reviews

[Skykid]

Mattr Clark gives Contra Hardcorps Uprising a C-

"Unfortunately, Rising mode still inexplicably utilizes credits, limiting the number of continues a player may use. There's a special feeling you get when you've died in a boss fight, and because you're out of credits, have to completely restart the entire stage. I realize this feature amounts to a throwback to retro gaming, but there's a reason we left some things behind.

The only thing keeping Hard Corps: Uprising in the "C" range for this review is the fact that there is very likely a small segment of gamers who absolutely love to punish themselves with a ludicrously difficult game; I acknowledge that. If you're masochistic and don't mind awkwardly paced gameplay, you may actually enjoy Uprising. For everyone else, playing this game feels like paying someone $15 to punch you in the face over and over again. "

http://www.1up.com/reviews/hard-corps-uprising-review

Not only is the game NOT too hard (you can actually unlock unlimited continues and start each stage with a fully maxed weapon in Rising mode), but its probably one of the best run-n-gun games of all time. Beating it on arcade mode is indeed a worthy challenge to any gamer, but Rising mode makes it fun for everyone and gives it tons of replay value. The soundtrack is truly EPIC.

The soundtrack is crap. It's no way near one of the best run n' guns of all time, and certainly not even close to one of the best Contras. In-fact, it's not even a Contra game, it's so removed from the fine balancing of Konami's series.
Although I'm not with the reviewer for marking anything down for being difficult, Uprising is masochistic, is awkwardly paced (and very awkward to control) and is definitely akin to punching yourself in the face over and over again.

Rising mode saves it from being a D, otherwise I think C- is about right, and this review is amusingly good.

[moh]

Mattr Clark gives Contra Hardcorps Uprising a C-

"Unfortunately, Rising mode still inexplicably utilizes credits, limiting the number of continues a player may use. There's a special feeling you get when you've died in a boss fight, and because you're out of credits, have to completely restart the entire stage. I realize this feature amounts to a throwback to retro gaming, but there's a reason we left some things behind.

The only thing keeping Hard Corps: Uprising in the "C" range for this review is the fact that there is very likely a small segment of gamers who absolutely love to punish themselves with a ludicrously difficult game; I acknowledge that. If you're masochistic and don't mind awkwardly paced gameplay, you may actually enjoy Uprising. For everyone else, playing this game feels like paying someone $15 to punch you in the face over and over again. "

http://www.1up.com/reviews/hard-corps-uprising-review

Not only is the game NOT too hard (you can actually unlock unlimited continues and start each stage with a fully maxed weapon in Rising mode), but its probably one of the best run-n-gun games of all time. Beating it on arcade mode is indeed a worthy challenge to any gamer, but Rising mode makes it fun for everyone and gives it tons of replay value. The soundtrack is truly EPIC.

The soundtrack is crap. It's no way near one of the best run n' guns of all time, and certainly not even close to one of the best Contras. In-fact, it's not even a Contra game, it's so removed from the fine balancing of Konami's series.
Although I'm not with the reviewer for marking anything down for being difficult, Uprising is masochistic, is awkwardly paced (and very awkward to control) and is definitely akin to punching yourself in the face over and over again.

Rising mode saves it from being a D, otherwise I think C- is about right, and this review is amusingly good.

Amusingly good?

I dont think that we left credit-based gaming behind because it was too hard, or not fun.
The lack of the popularity of arcades is the reason that credit gaming doesnt exist anymore.
I may be a part of that "small group of people who likes to torture themselves", but its not to say that credit gaming is "inferior".
its just different.

[Skykid]

Amusingly good?

I dont think that we left credit-based gaming behind because it was too hard, or not fun.
The lack of the popularity of arcades is the reason that credit gaming doesnt exist anymore.
I may be a part of that "small group of people who likes to torture themselves", but its not to say that credit gaming is "inferior".
its just different.

Ok then, amusingly accurate.

I'm not sure what the rest of your comment is related to if I'm honest though, no-one is criticising or calling credit based or difficult gaming inferior.
I'm just sick of people saying Uprising is "one of the best run n' guns ever" when it's just not. It's not even a matter of taste, it's a matter of fact; and a lot of the reviews that came out stating its flaws made a surprising number of valid points, 1up included.

[moh]

no-one is criticising or calling credit based or difficult gaming inferior.

the reviewer said that "theres a reason we left it behind" and since you called it amusingly good, i was kinda wondering how you enjoyed shmups at all =P

sorry, didn't mean to assume anything!

[Skykid]

no-one is criticising or calling credit based or difficult gaming inferior.

the reviewer said that "theres a reason we left it behind" and since you called it amusingly good, i was kinda wondering how you enjoyed shmups at all =P

sorry, didn't mean to assume anything!

Don't worry, I think you misunderstood the aspects of the review I was agreeing with. Comments like the above mean nothing to me; unfortunately if any game is going to convince modern journalists that it's best to leave the old-school dead and buried, it's likely to be Uprising, since its utterly belligerent execution is enough to turn off even the most stalwart advocator of classic gaming.

[Ed Oscuro]

Back to the topic of "amusingly (also infuriatingly) bad Omega Force reviews:"

Computer & Vidya Gaemz
Advanced Computer Entertainment
and the best, brought to you by...
Your Sinclair magazine

"I think we've all moved on a bit, don't you?" Also, Sky Adventure is just like Gemini Wing! Let's see some more into-the-screen rally racers, please!

Thanks to Solvalou.com for the hosting; I just picked these up off Wikipedia which lists them as typical back-in-the-day reviews. I wonder what a DOJ review would've been like? "Updated, with ships that have three different types of shot, but Galaxians nonetheless. And that's it." From now on, all reviews must have "What, you want more?" delineating the exact point at which the writer realizes they're being paid per word, and then they make a weak attempt to rehash what a flyin' an' shootin' game is about (even if there is another flyin' an' shootin' game review on the same gosh-durned page). Vroom vroom!

[MovingTarget]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvgT1tySChU

The bit about the controls being wierd because you have to turn the controller on its side made me laugh

[dannnnn]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvgT1tySChU

The bit about the controls being wierd because you have to turn the controller on its side made me laugh

"Top-view-down scroller... game"

[chronicdog]

The soundtrack is crap. It's no way near one of the best run n' guns of all time, and certainly not even close to one of the best Contras. In-fact, it's not even a Contra game, it's so removed from the fine balancing of Konami's series.
Although I'm not with the reviewer for marking anything down for being difficult, Uprising is masochistic, is awkwardly paced (and very awkward to control) and is definitely akin to punching yourself in the face over and over again.

Rising mode saves it from being a D, otherwise I think C- is about right, and this review is amusingly good.

Listen, I understand that appreciation of music is subjective, and some people simply dont appreciate guitar shredding. OK. Fair enough.

But dissing the controls as "very awkward" just makes me dismiss your opinion of the game entirely. Additional complexity is awkward at first. Of course playing a full drum kit is A LOT more awkward at first then playing a single bongo drum. But to suggest that this additional complexity makes it worse is just laughable.

Try mapping the dash/action to the left bumper and using it constantly. Thats how the game is meant to be played: as a run n gun, not walk-and-shoot, unlike many other games in the genre.

[Skykid]

Listen, I understand that appreciation of music is subjective, and some people simply dont appreciate guitar shredding. OK. Fair enough.

But dissing the controls as "very awkward" just makes me dismiss your opinion of the game entirely. Additional complexity is awkward at first. Of course playing a full drum kit is A LOT more awkward at first then playing a single bongo drum. But to suggest that this additional complexity makes it worse is just laughable.

Try mapping the dash/action to the left bumper and using it constantly. Thats how the game is meant to be played: as a run n gun, not walk-and-shoot, unlike many other games in the genre.

Oh yea shit sorree that's right, you're meant to dash and vault constantly all the way through the game, and have two blocks of energy deducted every time that vault is interrupted rather than the usual one. Just for convenience, like.

No mofo is going to tell me Uprising isn't the most awkward shit imaginable, don't even get it underway. I tried button mapping across two pads and a Hori VLX trying to find something that made the game comfortable. Awkwardly cumbersome, awkwardly underpowered weaponry, awkward boss battles, awkward make-you-feel-like-a-concessionary-loser Rising Mode, awkwardly broken scoring system, awkward checkpoint setups, awkward stage layout, awkward stage length, awkward game length, awkwardly soulless.
That game ain't no Contra, it's a cock-sucking error. With terrible J-rock guitar music.

[Estebang]

Seconding Skykid's Uprising hatred. It's a pale imitation of a Konami run-n-gun that feels like an unusually high-budget doujin game--but I've played better doujins in the genre. Arc System Works can handle 2D fighters perfectly well, but they're clueless with anything else.

[Hagane]

but I've played better doujins in the genre

Such as? I'm getting interested in the genre and would like to play some quality titles besides the obvious ones.

[Estebang]

Dread Lock and Gigantic Army are the ones that come to mind at the moment, though there's definitely more.

I'd say Contra Rebirth qualifies as a doujin game in spirit and production values (made by a small mobile developer, and there's the weird cameo of the TMNT skateboard girl). It plays like a mediocre remix of Contra Spirits, but even that's preferable to Uprising. Contra 4 might as well be a doujin too, but let's not even go there.

[AntiFritz]

Dread Lock and Gigantic Army are the ones that come to mind at the moment, though there's definitely more.

I'd say Contra Rebirth qualifies as a doujin game (made by a small mobile developer). It plays like a mediocre remix of Contra Spirits, but even that's preferable to Uprising. Contra 4 might as well be a doujin too, but let's not even go there.

M2 are a small mobile developer now? Pretty sure their like emulation/port wizards.

[DocHauser]

SNK's Bermuda Triangle was recently added to the PSN store:

http://youtu.be/caclemEP_PQ

"There are people, however, that are very into what I consider to be very videogamey games and this is defintely videogamey."

[MrChiggins]

Listen, I understand that appreciation of music is subjective, and some people simply dont appreciate guitar shredding. OK. Fair enough.

But dissing the controls as "very awkward" just makes me dismiss your opinion of the game entirely. Additional complexity is awkward at first. Of course playing a full drum kit is A LOT more awkward at first then playing a single bongo drum. But to suggest that this additional complexity makes it worse is just laughable.

Try mapping the dash/action to the left bumper and using it constantly. Thats how the game is meant to be played: as a run n gun, not walk-and-shoot, unlike many other games in the genre.

Oh yea shit sorree that's right, you're meant to dash and vault constantly all the way through the game, and have two blocks of energy deducted every time that vault is interrupted rather than the usual one. Just for convenience, like.

No mofo is going to tell me Uprising isn't the most awkward shit imaginable, don't even get it underway. I tried button mapping across two pads and a Hori VLX trying to find something that made the game comfortable. Awkwardly cumbersome, awkwardly underpowered weaponry, awkward boss battles, awkward make-you-feel-like-a-concessionary-loser Rising Mode, awkwardly broken scoring system, awkward checkpoint setups, awkward stage layout, awkward stage length, awkward game length, awkwardly soulless.
That game ain't no Contra, it's a cock-sucking error. With terrible J-rock guitar music.

I tried to give Uprising a chance because I was excited about it for months before it came out. But yeah... what Skykid said. I couldn't find a control layout that felt comfortable, and it wasn't because the game just gave me too much control over the character and I couldn't handle it maaaan. It was because the controls were cumbersome. The stage layout was also very awkward. These are the the things I remember most.
I mean the dashes and vaults were interesting ideas but the game played out like a run-n-gun version of a poor Radiant Silvergun clone. The utilization of these (on paper) interesting gameplay mechanics meant absolute memorization of the awkward levels and bosses. At least in Radiant Silvergun the levels are fun etc. etc.

[Obscura]

SNK's Bermuda Triangle was recently added to the PSN store:

http://youtu.be/caclemEP_PQ

"There are people, however, that are very into what I consider to be very videogamey games and this is defintely videogamey."

Jesus Christ, the ship in that game looks enormous. Does the hitbox match? How the hell would you ever dodge with a hitbox that big?

[Ed Oscuro]

You figure it out. It's Bermuda Triangle (also the World Wars, I think), it's just what it is.

"Videogamey," heh.

[Kollision]

http://www.allgame.com/game.php?id=2143&tab=review

[z0mbie90]

http://www.allgame.com/game.php?id=2143&tab=review

"Graphics 1 star of 5

If this were a Nintendo NESgame, the graphics would be considered cutting edge."

Is this for real. Can anyone review a game? I mean if he think In The Hunt can be run on a NES then he got to have problems.

I can't think of the horrible things he would say if he would review Metal Slug

[Lord Satori]

reminds me of when X-Play reviewed Platypus. they gave it a 3 (or 2. can't remember) out of 5 simply because of the clay graphics. for the life of me I'm scared to think what they'd review other shooters I enjoy.

[RSmith]

I don't know if somebody has posted this one but here it is.
http://www.ign.com/articles/2012/05/16/ ... ana-review

To show how much he played the game: "I've played a bunch of Akai Katana, and I enjoy it, but I'm still not exactly sure how it all works."

Not only that, but I think he didn't even play Origin or Climax modes due to the fact that he didn't even mention them.

[Op Intensify]

I've played a bunch of Akai Katana, and I enjoy it, but I'm still not exactly sure how it all works.

Then you have not yet earned the right to fucking publish a review on it. Do some research, sink some more effort into it, field opinions from shmup experts, then come back to the Microsoft Word window. Oh right, this is IGN, and you have to meet ridiculous deadlines for reviews or the hits and ad revenue will stop flowing in. Carry on, then. Let the standards for internet journLOLism sink even lower.

[RSmith]

I've played a bunch of Akai Katana, and I enjoy it, but I'm still not exactly sure how it all works.

Then you have not yet earned the right to fucking publish a review on it. Do some research, sink some more effort into it, field opinions from shmup experts, then come back to the Microsoft Word window. Oh right, this is IGN, and you have to meet ridiculous deadlines for reviews or the hits and ad revenue will stop flowing in. Carry on, then. Let the standards for internet journLOLism sink even lower.

What's even funnier is that he's supposedly their resident "old school hardcore gamer". But I guess the fact that he gave Sine Mora a 9 and Akai Katana 7 says a lot. Oh, and likes to name drop Ikaruga almost everytime he reviews a shmup because, you know...he's like real hardcore.

[moh]

Oh, and likes to name drop Ikaruga almost everytime he reviews a shmup because, you know...he's like real hardcore.

that made me giggle :3

I hate the typical "OMG IKAROOGA WAS THE DEFINITIVE NEXT GEN SHMUPS" bullshit..

dont pretend to know everything about every video game genre ever because you're "hardcore"

[Observer]

On top of the name-dropping Ikaruga, the new lovechild of the big press is Sine Mora so expect to see that one name-dropped along RSG and Ikaruga for the hungarian steampunk furries and such.

edit: I DIDN'T EVEN READ THAT REVIEW. THE SECOND I READ, IT ALREADY NAME DROPPED FUCKING SINE MORA.

That's it, I'm out. ARGH!

It's gonna be like that for a while... "Ikaruga this, Ikaruga that, because Sine Mora this Sine Mora that."

Sigh.

The STG chronology of the big press is:

- Those old dinosaur games nobody plays (Gradius, Raiden, R-Type, Xevious, Space Invaders)
- Radiant Silvergun
- A DoDonPachi is fine
- Ikaruga
- Sine Mora

Nothing else came out before, nothing else comes out after these. THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA.

[xbl0x180]

The STG chronology of the big press is:

- Those old dinosaur games nobody plays (Gradius, Raiden, R-Type, Xevious, Space Invaders)

I play those all the time

[FIL]

I wasn't feeling it with Uprising either. I think tacking the contra name onto it makes people give it a lot more slack than it deserves.

[Op Intensify]

I wasn't feeling it with Uprising either. I think tacking the contra name onto it makes people give it a lot more slack than it deserves.

This.

It was painfully obvious that Arc System Works had zero experience making run-and-gun platformers. It felt like an extra mode in Guilty Gear Isuka or something, to be honest.

[njiska]

reminds me of when X-Play reviewed Platypus. they gave it a 3 (or 2. can't remember) out of 5 simply because of the clay graphics. for the life of me I'm scared to think what they'd review other shooters I enjoy.

That still doesn't top X-Play's crowning achievement of reviewing Raiden III. They were confused by the Tate options. Nearly spat out my drink the first time I saw it.