you wouldn't think it to look at me ...

jpj · Post by **jpj** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:18 pm

...but i'm actually a sword master.

i've beaten 50 of the best fencing teachers in the country. when i walk into a room people go [puts face into his palms] "oh no ... that's the guy who beat me...".

i like to take techniques from sword fighting games, and then implement them into my fighting style.

my speciality is disarming people in a brutal fashion, even when i'm unarmed.

i saw a games mag give Kengou a bad score once, so i wrote a letter in and called them all a bunch of twats. it's alright though, they can't trace it. i always write my name in runic symbols...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

someone actually said this to me today, word for word

he was fucking massive as well, i coulda ran round him before he could swing a sword

now we all know bullshit-merchants, so what's the funniest you've heard in person?

i gotta buddy who's always telling tall tales. but i think he's hilarious because he makes them up on the spot. so logic tends to go out of the window.

his most recent one was: "i was in zimbabwe last week, and i traded a loptop for a suit of armour and a sword which auctioned at sotheby's for £30k".

i can understand lying if it gets you out of trouble, or if it procures you something, women, etc.

but this is just insecure one-ups-manship. if i told this dude i could fly, without missing a beat, he would tell me he can fly ... AND he has telekinetic abilities.

choice favourites from the last few months:

"i would trade you some neo geo AES stuff, but i keep all my games in an airtight vault in a bank in birmingham so no dust gets on the cartridges."

"i went to see transformers on the first weekend. i thought it was shit so i just boned my gal" (me: in the theatre?) "yeah, why not."

"i went to morocco and the cops found a massive bag of weed on me. it's alright, i didn't get arrested, we all had a smoke at the station. and i bought a house there. i dunno if it's true, but i heard the house next door is owned by david beckham. i'm gonna go back and open a cherry tobacco bar" (this is not a euphemism - he actually means a place where people go to smoke cherry flavoured tobacco. and no, not even buy it from there. just a social place for people to go ... and smoke cherry-flavoured tobacco...)

"i got my driver's license in india. my family all live in this small village, and there was a monsoon. the water was five foot high and all the cattle were washing away towards the river. i hoped on my moped and lassooed them all up indiana jones-style, and saved the village. then i went to calcutta and set the new world record on time crisis 4. everyone in the arcade and all the local shops came in to cheer me on."

although my personal favourite had to be when my friends and i were talking about movies and stuff, and he has a very loud voice anyways, and just shouted over the top of us to interrupt. but because, like i was saying before, i think he makes it up on the spot, he interrupted us all to say:

"yeah, well my brother burns me movies, and i take 'em home, and then i watch them"

err... great

do you know anyone worse than this....!?!?

sven666 · Post by **sven666** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:25 pm

compulsive liars are funny as hell, (un)fortunatley i havent got any around me right now, havent had since school.

Post by **Icarus** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:31 pm

"I'm actually a pimp and a pusher. How do you think I afford all these Cave PCBs?"

The n00b · Post by **The n00b** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:42 pm

http://shmups.system11.org/viewtopic.ph ... ight=ninja

You wouldn't know it from looking at us but the shmups off topic forum is filled with internet tough guys. Srsly you gotta have at least a black belt in Bolivian Jujitsu just to hang with us...

emphatic · Post by **emphatic** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:53 pm

An old friend of mine have told me this:

"Once I had 28 girlfriends at the same time".
"I once dig up a treasure worth a million dollars"
"I don't like to go see films in the theater, it's hard seeing all your ex-girlfriends on the silver screen"

As we live in Sweden, he once told a friend how he had been driving his car very fast at night, and then a Moose/Elk had appeared on the road and he drove his car UNDER the creature, leaving it unharmed.

He also has gotten stuck with his fingers in the bowling ball, being dragged across the alley, knocking down the pins. But now for the extra cool part, he then was transported back by the contraption that brings the bowling balls back, emerging from the hole in the floor, he's doing the V sign with his fingers, causing a couple of hot girls approaching him an then making out with him.

Also, his father has designed the radar that the swedish navy uses in their submarines.

Emph

thegreathopper · Post by **thegreathopper** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:11 pm

A friend of mine from Ipswich reckons his mother used to run a safehouse for the IRA in Ipswich and that he knew about the London bombings before they happened, he also says he has links to the PLO and Combat 18.

When he gets realy drunk he imagines he has tattoos of the third reich on his chest.........there is nothing there... No shit... sometimes he is very funny but other wise quite sad realy.

neorichieb1971 · Post by **neorichieb1971** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:44 pm

One guy I know said he drank 18 pints of lager in about 4 hours between 12 hour shifts. So left work at 19:30, drank 18 pints up until about midnight, woke up, got to work in the morning and told the tale.

Its more believable that he got laid 18 times.

Pixel_Outlaw · Post by **Pixel_Outlaw** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:58 pm

What are you gonna do with one of those flimsy Frenchman's swords with the tiny ball on the top?

Real men use spiked warhammers with dragon skin handles.

sven666 · Post by **sven666** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:02 pm

emphatic wrote:An old friend of mine have told me this:

"Once I had 28 girlfriends at the same time".
"I once dig up a treasure worth a million dollars"
"I don't like to go see films in the theater, it's hard seeing all your ex-girlfriends on the silver screen"

As we live in Sweden, he once told a friend how he had been driving his car very fast at night, and then a Moose/Elk had appeared on the road and he drove his car UNDER the creature, leaving it unharmed.

He also has gotten stuck with his fingers in the bowling ball, being dragged across the alley, knocking down the pins. But now for the extra cool part, he then was transported back by the contraption that brings the bowling balls back, emerging from the hole in the floor, he's doing the V sign with his fingers, causing a couple of hot girls approaching him an then making out with him.

Also, his father has designed the radar that the swedish navy uses in their submarines.

Emph

hey, i told you that in the strictest confidence man!

jpj · Post by **jpj** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:15 pm

jesus emphatic, that is hilarious

i forgot another one, where he jumped into the conversation mid-flow. i was saying i was tired and didn't get much sleep the previous night, and he said:

"yeah, i didn't get much sleep. spent the whole night chasing crackheads round gloucester because they'd stolen my brother's lampshade..."

or the time we were talking about bootleg versions of street fighter 2. and the ones i know of are Rainbow Edition, and Black Belt Edition (dozens of hadokens on screen, characters morph into each other, pull off another character's moves, etc). when he tries telling me that he used to play Street Fighter 2: The Crazy Clam Edition, where the last boss was a king prawn

i mean "crazy clam"? six month's later and i still can't say it with a straight face

Lordstar · Post by **Lordstar** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:21 pm

I can afford Cave PCBs but i just choose not to buy them

Daedalus · Post by **Daedalus** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:59 pm

I only knew one guy who did anything like that. He was a somewhat socially awkward guy who made up various stories of sleeping with women... His stories were pretty awkward too, and sometimes almost an afterthought. Example:

"Yeah, those neighbors are actually an Indian couple. They helped me move my couch in. ... ... But what he didn't know was I was fucking his wife!"

subcons · Post by **subcons** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 6:06 pm

emphatic wrote:An old friend of mine have told me this:

As we live in Sweden, he once told a friend how he had been driving his car very fast at night, and then a Moose/Elk had appeared on the road and he drove his car UNDER the creature, leaving it unharmed.

He also has gotten stuck with his fingers in the bowling ball, being dragged across the alley, knocking down the pins. But now for the extra cool part, he then was transported back by the contraption that brings the bowling balls back, emerging from the hole in the floor, he's doing the V sign with his fingers, causing a couple of hot girls approaching him an then making out with him.

LOL. I don't type that much, but I seriously did.

This guy is the clear winner for worst/best liar.

Zebra Airforce · Post by **Zebra Airforce** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:03 pm

When I was in 2nd or 3rd grade a kid told me his friend's dad worked at sega and accidentally spilled 3D juice in his friends sega, making all of his games 3 dimensional

kernow · Post by **kernow** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 8:04 pm

haha loving this thread, the bullshit spills forth !

Pixel_Outlaw · Post by **Pixel_Outlaw** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 8:30 pm

My Mexican friend said that his brother had a necklace with ninja beads that one could throw into the the barrels of handguns causing them to explode. Apparently three pistol wielding men died while his brother had his necklace of throwable ninja beads on.

JoshF · Post by **JoshF** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 8:34 pm

My friend convinced me Genesis had better GRAPHIX than Super Nintendo, while I was playing Donkey Kong Country. I wish I could remember what he said.

Ed Oscuro · Post by **Ed Oscuro** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 9:17 pm

I had an acquaintance (who is responsible for me not having a minty copy of MGS anymore, same for the little pamphlet thing they sold in stores rarrr) who spun all sorts of amazing stories about the HIDDEN SECRETES in Goldeneye, like there being a whole other level hidden away in the vents of Facility (you all know what I'm talking about, I hope). Funny thing; it's easy to believe such things.

Also, some other people said that he held his breath so long that he passed out, once.

ROBOTRON · Post by **ROBOTRON** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 9:21 pm

emphatic · Post by **emphatic** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 10:05 pm

sven666 wrote:hey, i told you that in the strictest confidence man!

Ooops, that was you?

The guy is kinda a legend in my town. He had a revised version of the bowling story as well, where he's dives into a 25 m long pool (for competition), swims the whole pool, somehow through a solid wall and appears in the kids pool in the adjoining hall (once again) doing the V-sign and getting smooched by pretty girls (apparently hangin' out in the kids area, milfs?).

Also, he told me that he died once. Arrived dead into the hospital by ambulance, then brought back in the ER.

He once showed a mutual female friend a picture of a child, claiming it was his daughter. Also told here that he and his dad owns a rather successful company in Britain, enabling him to ride around in a limosine, driven by a private chaffeuer.

Hmm, what else. Yeah, once I accompanied him and his then girlfriend and another friend to his appartment after a night out. He gave me some photo albums to look at, and to my surprise he had photos of himself. Erect. No pants. When I showed this to the others, he claimed that his cousin had taken the photos while he had passed out (erect apparantly) and sneaked them into the album without him noticing.

Once he also claimed to have made out with his own sister.
Emph

jpj · Post by **jpj** » Sun Sep 28, 2008 11:34 pm

^ 24-carat pure gold

MX7 · Post by **MX7** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 9:47 am

emphatic wrote:An old friend of mine have told me this:

"Once I had 28 girlfriends at the same time".
"I once dig up a treasure worth a million dollars"
"I don't like to go see films in the theater, it's hard seeing all your ex-girlfriends on the silver screen"

As we live in Sweden, he once told a friend how he had been driving his car very fast at night, and then a Moose/Elk had appeared on the road and he drove his car UNDER the creature, leaving it unharmed.

He also has gotten stuck with his fingers in the bowling ball, being dragged across the alley, knocking down the pins. But now for the extra cool part, he then was transported back by the contraption that brings the bowling balls back, emerging from the hole in the floor, he's doing the V sign with his fingers, causing a couple of hot girls approaching him an then making out with him.

Also, his father has designed the radar that the swedish navy uses in their submarines.

Emph

This is probably the best post ever made on the forum.

Ed Oscuro · Post by **Ed Oscuro** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 10:12 am

It was very good indeed.

Cripes, what's with all the quality posts lately? You're all making me miserable at being such an uninspired lump by comparison.

sven666 · Post by **sven666** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:14 pm

hey didnt DEL or someone film some dude in a london arcade claiming he was able to make a real life hadouken?

RGB · Post by **RGB** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:50 pm

sven666 wrote:hey didnt DEL or someone film some dude in a london arcade claiming he was able to make a real life hadouken?

Absorbe this hidden knowledge for once ! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2Cy4FUOOes

@emphatic - Thanks for a massive dose of laugh, these stories are pure gold

Wish I had an acquaintance like that guy...

kernow · Post by **kernow** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 1:07 pm

bah Casino looks great, and I've never been. one day.

subcons · Post by **subcons** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 1:29 pm

emphatic wrote:The guy is kinda a legend in my town. He had a revised version of the bowling story as well, where he's dives into a 25 m long pool (for competition), swims the whole pool, somehow through a solid wall and appears in the kids pool in the adjoining hall (once again) doing the V-sign and getting smooched by pretty girls (apparently hangin' out in the kids area, milfs?).

If I knew this guy, I would get to work on a film documentary of him ASAP.

sven666 · Post by **sven666** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 1:42 pm

subcons wrote: If I knew this guy, I would get to work on a film documentary of him ASAP.

there are actually quite a few documentaries about similar people here in sweden, all with proper cult-status, checkout "plötsligt i vinslöv" "snickeriet" and "sheriffen i ryd" for reference.. all in swedish ofcourse.

VERY funny stuff.

ed. heres a sample from snickeriet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnfEx7yg1v0

emphatic · Post by **emphatic** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 1:58 pm

Reading about him here and meeting him in real life is really different though. He's not charismatic enough to feature in any film, and also has this vibe about him that's unsettling. He's no Billy Mitchell.

He converted to Islam for a couple of years as well and got married to a muslim woman. He also got a circumsision during that period that according to himself "left his parts horribly scarred" as his erection (while sleeping) busted the stitches at least a couple of times. Apparently the stress of that relationship was what got him killed (to later be rescued at the ER). He got divorced shortly after.

He's been living in Gothenburg (about 60 miles away from my town) for a couple of years, but when he lost his job as a salesman for sports training trips (even though according to himself he was the top salesman) he's moved back to my town. He called me up wanting to hang out. And told me about the Islam/death thing. I never called him back.

Emph

subcons · Post by **subcons** » Mon Sep 29, 2008 7:41 pm

sven666 wrote:there are actually quite a few documentaries about similar people here in sweden, all with proper cult-status, checkout "plötsligt i vinslöv" "snickeriet" and "sheriffen i ryd" for reference.. all in swedish ofcourse.

VERY funny stuff.

ed. heres a sample from snickeriet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnfEx7yg1v0

I'm a big, dumb American, so that's gibberish to me.

you wouldn't think it to look at me ...

you wouldn't think it to look at me ...

Sad but true