Gradius (GB) manual hilarity

[Ghegs]

I bought a copy of the first Game Boy Gradius (or Nemesis, as my cart reads) and even got a manual to go with it. It was so much fun to read it'd be a crime to not share the best parts of it, especially the story.

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GET IN YOUR BAD STARFIGHTER AND WAIL!

Your worst nightmare's come true. The evil King Nemesis is back, and he has a taste for blood. YOUR blood! As chief of the Interplanetary Police, you thought you put this high dean of destruction away for good. But he's out on bad behavior and wants your hide.

Locked safely in his hideous hideaway, he's dispatched a band of ruthless rapscallions to do his bidding for him. But before you go crying home to mommy, you still have one more change to teach this terrible tyrant that crime doesn't pay.

That chance: the Proteus 911, the most technologically sophisticated flying machine of death ever invented. Strap on your seat belt and power-up with speed burners, lasers, missiles, force fields and duel devices of destruction. That start blasting these galactic gunmen and their cosmic crime lord.

And if by chance you have more lives than a cat, there's a very good chance your picture will end up on a box of alien cereal, and you'll be crowned the new mayor of Moronica.

(Image of the game screen: "Proteus 911", "Power-Up Indicator", "Alien" (the standard Gradius boss) and "Your Soaring to Victory Scoreboard")

KEY TO POWER-UP CAPSULES

Laser (L) - Laser lets you blast your way right through things. (That'll show the King!)

Option (O) - This equips you with an extra Destruction Device that has power equal to the Proteus 911. (Only two Destruction Devices per ship, please!)

FIVE SLAM-BANG STAGES TO START FROM

Carnage Canyon

Pyramids of Pyromania

Lair of the Planetary Pirates

Den of Doom and Gloom

Sacrificial Sarcophagus of Saturn

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I especially liked "Mayor of Moronica" and "Soaring to Victory Scoreboard".

[BenT]

Good. fucking. lord. Konami's US office was out of control back then. -_-;

And yeah, Mayor of Moronica rules. New catch-phrase!

[DarkWolf7]

Horrifying. That has to be the worst abuse of alliteration I've ever seen. Wow.

[sethsez]

Why yes, I am a bad enough dude to rescue the president. Why do you ask?

[Kiken]

Horrifying. That has to be the worst abuse of alliteration I've ever seen. Wow.

I guess you never watched Darkwing Duck...

[Kiken]

Why yes, I am a bad enough dude to rescue the president. Why do you ask?

Hey, you get to go out for cheeseburgers at the end.

[BrianC]

I bought a copy of the first Game Boy Gradius (or Nemesis, as my cart reads) and even got a manual to go with it. It was so much fun to read it'd be a crime to not share the best parts of it, especially the story.

------

GET IN YOUR BAD STARFIGHTER AND WAIL!

Your worst nightmare's come true. The evil King Nemesis is back, and he has a taste for blood. YOUR blood! As chief of the Interplanetary Police, you thought you put this high dean of destruction away for good. But he's out on bad behavior and wants your hide.

Locked safely in his hideous hideaway, he's dispatched a band of ruthless rapscallions to do his bidding for him. But before you go crying home to mommy, you still have one more change to teach this terrible tyrant that crime doesn't pay.

That chance: the Proteus 911, the most technologically sophisticated flying machine of death ever invented. Strap on your seat belt and power-up with speed burners, lasers, missiles, force fields and duel devices of destruction. That start blasting these galactic gunmen and their cosmic crime lord.

And if by chance you have more lives than a cat, there's a very good chance your picture will end up on a box of alien cereal, and you'll be crowned the new mayor of Moronica.

(Image of the game screen: "Proteus 911", "Power-Up Indicator", "Alien" (the standard Gradius boss) and "Your Soaring to Victory Scoreboard")

KEY TO POWER-UP CAPSULES

Laser (L) - Laser lets you blast your way right through things. (That'll show the King!)

Option (O) - This equips you with an extra Destruction Device that has power equal to the Proteus 911. (Only two Destruction Devices per ship, please!)

FIVE SLAM-BANG STAGES TO START FROM

Carnage Canyon

Pyramids of Pyromania

Lair of the Planetary Pirates

Den of Doom and Gloom

Sacrificial Sarcophagus of Saturn

-----

I especially liked "Mayor of Moronica" and "Soaring to Victory Scoreboard".

Konami also pulled the same type of thing with some of their other games like Metal Gear NES. I'm glad these "changes" are limited to the manual, but they are still silly.

[TGK]

Simply amazing.

[landshark]

"Moronica"

Awesome.

[LoneSage]

Proteus 911 sounds like some kind of futuristic porno....involving ambulances.

[Blade]

Zoradius had better translations...

"Push Start Button" That's it.

[professor ganson]

In the US today you wouldn't get away with calling "a flying machine of death" the "911." (9/11 has a new association.)

[alpha5099]

In the US today you wouldn't get away with calling "a flying machine of death" the "911." (9/11 has a new association.)

I dunno, I think it might fly. Sure we've got bad associations with Nine Eleven, but Nine One One is still fine, especially for the chief of the Interplanetary Police. You're a cop, 911 makes perfect sense.

[Specineff]

Yeah, and like a good cop, you go all alone to hunt evil King Nemesis. Brilliant.

@Kiken: Care to explain about Darkwing Duck?

[Damocles]

Anyone ever read the manual for Belmont's Revenge on Gameboy? Hooboy...that one's a winner...

[Herr Schatten]

Classic!

GET IN YOUR BAD STARFIGHTER AND WAIL!

How can one resist using this as a sig?

[K-J N.]

Konami also pulled the same type of thing with some of their other games like Metal Gear NES.

Or Snake's Revenge where a charater was renamed Higharolla Kockamamie and another one was related to Ginger on Gilligan's Island.

[Dewclaw]

Wow! I have to give them credit for using the word "rapscallions" though, you never hear that enough nowadays.

[Capt. Takehiko]

Why yes, I am a bad enough dude to rescue the president. Why do you ask?

Hey, you get to go out for cheeseburgers at the end.

HA HA HA HA!

[Kiken]

@Kiken: Care to explain about Darkwing Duck?

Darkwing Duck is the master of alliteration (granted, if you're watching translations of the original American series then I'm not so sure how well his dialogue is translated). Watch the series... in every episode he produces entire litanies of alliterary "genious".

[CIT]

Anyone ever read the manual for Belmont's Revenge on Gameboy? Hooboy...that one's a winner...

Yeah! The GB Castlevanias had great manuals too. Basically telling you not to bother with collecting the money bags, since points mean nothing anyway.

[BulletMagnet]

Watch the series... in every episode he produces entire litanies of alliterary "genious".

"I am the prize in your cereal box!"

[Specineff]

Oh yeah. We got those too in the spanish version.

"I am the little flint in your rice pudding!" (Not sure if that one was added or originally written in the series. It refers to rice that hasn't properly been cleaned of dirt and therefore you end up on biting on a piece of rock when you chew. Painful.)

"I'm the stain that cannot be un-stained!"

"I am the piece of gum that gets stuck in your hair... I am... DarkWing Duck!"

[Arvandor]

Necro-post!!!

I couldn't help but notice... I thought alliteration was when you string words together that all start with the same letter? I only remember this because my roommate made himself what he called an "alliteration sandwich." It was pastrami, pepperoni, pepper jack, provalone, and pickles.

[Thunder Force]

In the US today you wouldn't get away with calling "a flying machine of death" the "911." (9/11 has a new association.)

I dunno, I think it might fly. Sure we've got bad associations with Nine Eleven, but Nine One One is still fine, especially for the chief of the Interplanetary Police. You're a cop, 911 makes perfect sense.

Actually, given the context and their use of "Strap on your seat belt", I would suggest their use of "Proteus 911" was a reference to the Porsche 911.

[theevilfunkster]

That's pretty cool. My Nemesis is a cart only so I've never had the pleasure of reading that


I always liked the story in the manual for NES Lifeforce-

THE BIRTH OF ZELOS COULD MEAN THE DEATH OF ZILLIONS

In a remote quadrant of the universe there was hatched a hideous creature. His proud parents, Ma & Pa Deltois, named their only son Zelos, which in alien lingo means "one mean son of a gun".

As Zelos grew into an adult space monster, his appetite turned ravenous, his temper became ruthless, and his name proved an understatement. It didn't take long for Zelos to leave the nest and go out on his own, devouring everything in sight, including three galaxies, four hundred planets, two trillion lifeforms and a side order of stars.

Then your innocent galaxy appeared on Zelos's menu, and he chowed on an entree of roast Gradius, with the planet Latis for dessert. Now, the only chance these civilisations have of escaping from his digestive tract lies with you and your star fighting partner.

But your odds look pretty grim, for Zelos is full of floating armarda terror zones, which are cities which are cities that have become part of Zelos after being eaten. Each of these zones is loaded with tremendous fire power and unbelievable destructive surprises. You'll also find that Zelos's heart and soul are positioned safely behind his traitor fleet.

That means you'll have to devastate six Terror Zones and blast away their grotesque mayors before reaching Zelos's main artery and putting an end to his eating binge.

[D]

Locked safely in his hideous hideaway

What?
That got me laughing so hard my eyes started to water.
His hideaway is hideous.
"That does it!,........ He's gonna pay".

[Turrican]

Let me add to the list the first Probotector for GB (Operation C). That manual is unforgettable. Sadly I got the Italian booklet, someone else will have to post it here.

[FatCobra]

Funny! I think these game manuals were written in a time when game plots weren't to be taken seriously.