Movies you've just watched

[Air Master Burst]

So I watched WolfCop and it's an absolute RIOT! Almost no CGI at all and lovingly silly, it includes one of the absolute best werewolf transformations I've ever seen.

Loser drunk small-town cop suddenly becomes a total beast at his job when he gets all WEREWOLFIED! The beginning premise is pretty batshit already, but it gets CONSIDERABLY MORE batshit before the end. Includes Satanic rituals, Hotline Miami style masked gangs, and reptilian conspiracies! He drives around in a blacked-out muscle car police cruiser with GIANT CLAW MARKS IN THE SHAPE OF A W through the fucking hood, AND A MATCHING CLAW MARK "W" PAINTED ON THE REAR WINDOW!

Apparently there's a sequel. I must track it down immediately.

[xxx1993]

Just saw the Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie on Netflix and the Predator prequel, Prey.

[BIL]

Conquest (1983)



Super comfy low fantasy / bro fantasy romp from Lucio Fulci. If you want NES Rygar or Battle of Olympus: The Movie, you got it. Young hotshot with Magic Bow takes boat to Oppressed Kingdom, is saved from fatal werewolf beatdown by Big Buff BFF. A mantastic adventure ensues! The ill-fated village, the poison marsh, the impregnable fortress, it's all here in fine form. Revels in Fulci's gift for pairing balls-out gore to disarmingly plaintive, ethereal passages and setpieces. Loved the cameo by his signature slow, lumbering, authentically dead-looking zombies, lurching forward with terrifyingly unfeeling death-grip! So much more nightmarishly compelling than those lame runners. Special mention to an outstandingly manful Jorge Rivero.

Great for a lazy evening watch, and a total shoe-in for fans of Clash of the Titans and Jason And The Argonauts, landing in similarly no-nonsense yet intriguingly offbeat territory.

The Devil's Brigade (1967)



A bunch of misfit US soldiers facing hard time or worse are assigned a suicide mission behind Nazi lines! Now, a weary but valorous commanding officer must flog these lousy pricks into shape! No, it's not The Dirty Dozen, but a late and astonishingly brazen (or perhaps just unlucky?) lookalike! If you've seen TDD, you know how this is gonna go, down to every last beat. It's no cheap ripoff, however - this is a superbly-made film, with a compellingly dusty, ramshackle aesthetic, and acting and direction easily on par with its more famed counterpart. An interesting wrinkle is the addition of an allied and thoroughly unimpressed elite Canadian unit, who play entertainingly off their shitbird counterparts.

It takes some raps for historical accuracy - being purportedly based on the real-life battalion of the same name, who were by all accounts estimable soldiers - but that forgiven, it's a solidly-made war movie. Props to Claude Atkins for an endearing turn as lead roughneck. A nuanced character actor, loved him ever since his vital supporting role in classic Twilight Zone ep "The Little People."

[vol.2]

Conquest (1983)

oh yeah. on the list!

[xxx1993]

Carter on Netflix is an absolute blast. Completely done in one-take, the action doesn't let up... THIS is how every Netflix movie should be.

[GaijinPunch]

Conquest (1983)

Poster worth of an entry in the Movie Poster thread.
https://imgur.com/a/UA6KxQS

Edit:
img tags doing nothing for me.

[BIL]

Conquest (1983)

oh yeah. on the list!

Totally forgot to mention Claudio Simonetti's soundtrack - makes it feel even more like an 80s Falcom game.

Poster worth of an entry in the Movie Poster thread.

Yeah I thought so too! That classic Danger! Diabolik style, and for a change by 80s Italo-VHS standards, it's not all that unrepresentative of the film either.

[Air Master Burst]

Hold the fucking phone, are those CAT PAW NUNCHUCKS?

[BIL]

Yeah Many furry bonks on the head ensue. I have to catch up with Bava's Hercules that drauch recommended me tomorrow, this was great.

[vol.2]

Totally forgot to mention Claudio Simonetti's soundtrack - makes it feel even more like an 80s Falcom game.

Awesome. This is free on Plex. Going to have a movie night with the missus tn, prob this and Beastmaster. Idk, can anyone think of another good one to pair with it?

[Stevens]

Awesome. We watched Beastmaster about a year back.

Loved it as a kid. Still fun, not great, but not terrible either.

How did it hold up for you?

[vol.2]

How did it hold up for you?

It didn't happen. She's moving into a new apartment and last night turned into putting up shelves and breaking down boxes

But it's on the list; will report back lol.

[Air Master Burst]

Beastmaster 2 is also a blast! Even stupider, of course, but they basically went full Xena/HTLJ with it and sent him to early 90s LA. Absolutely terrible by any traditional metric, but the price of cocaine rose enough that Marc Singer came back. Robert Z'Dar's chin is his evil brother, who's trying to steal am H-Bomb or some nonsense.

Somehow Andre Norton actually gets a credit on Beastmaster 2, despite asking to be removed from having any connection with the first movie. I wonder if that was her decision, or if nobody just bothered to tell her they were making an even lower-budget sequel a full decade later.

ETA: I've yet to catch Beastmaster 3, but it looks absolutely dreadful and I can't wait.

[GaijinPunch]

I need to watch the Beastmaster flicks. I've only seen the scene where Tanya Roberts comes out of the pond. Too busy with other projects to watch full feature films these days (and zero flights) but that'll change in September. Might just do a highs and lows of the 80s.

[MOSQUITO FIGHTER]

Just watched Prey on Hulu and was legitimately impressed. Probably my favorite Predator movie. Surprisingly well done. Thought the cg bear looked a little bad but that’s my only real complaint. Awesome idea and really well executed.

[Air Master Burst]

Holy shit, Beastmaster 3. So. This thing was MADE FOR TV in 1996, and it feels for all the world like an attempt to replicate Hercules and turn it into a crappy syndicated series (they actually DID make a show a few years later, and it was truly wretched, but that's a tale for a different day).

Beastmaster 3 has Marc Singer back AGAIN, looking old and coked out and somehow caring even less than in Beastmaster 2.

Tony Todd replaces John Amos in Marc's quest to save his little brother Casper Van Dien. David Warner is the bad guy, embarrassing himself almost as bad as he did in Quest of the Delta Knights. The replacement Sonya Blade from MK: Annihilation shows up, marking the first time I've remembered her existence since my grandpa was watching Pensacola: Wings of Gold religiously back in the late 90s.

It's so bad. So very, VERY bad. And not even FUN bad like Beastmaster 2. Calling this a "movie" is fairly insulting given the production values at work here. If you've ever seen one of those mid 90s-early 00s syndicated action shows like Sheena with Geena Lee Nolin, V.I.P. with Pam Anderson, or the utterly inept Mortal Kombat series, then you've seen this same formula done better.

Also, now I want a thread dedicated to that genre of television because holy shit did I spend a ton of stoned Sunday afternoons with that trash squawking in the background while I played Dreamcast or whatever. Night Rider ripoff VIPER! X-Men ripoff Mutant X! Tomb Raider ripoff Relic Hunter with Tia Carrere! Whatever the fuck Cleopatra 2525 was! SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.

Also, don't watch Beastmaster 3, it fucking blows.

[drauch]

FAWK, wish I got on here during the weekends. Talkin' my fav movies now! Conquest is my fav Fulci by a mile. I truly think it's the best S&S film out there. Those crazy fuckers slathered Vaseline all over the lenses to get that foggy, dreamy effect. The fact that there's finally a bluray of Conquest AND a 4K of Beastmaster is a dream come true for this boyo.

Won't spoil Conquest, but I love how the protagonist gradually changes. And fuckin' beastmen galore. They fuck up and get tortured by a naked lady holding a snake with a gold head. Then she calls in her evil bud made of golden squares. He's so great. And Mace having The Beyond symbol on his head. Fuggin' aces, man. My old buddy bitd had a UK 1-sheet above the TV. Was always glorious to stare at it while binging Cirio H. Santiago action movies. One of the recent Blurays had some amazing cover art. Came with a mini poster of it, although it's super tiny. They nailed it, though.



Best part:

Spoiler

At the end when Mace invades the evil lair, golden square dude just goes "Ughhhhh" and fucking leaves! What a shithead. I love it.

Everything after Beastmaster 1 is just sad. Like it fills me with a profound sadness how they went the whole "fish out of water" bullshit and just threw away the budget. Too much shit does it and ruins it: Time Barbarians, the Victoria Paris porno The New Barbarians, The Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey. I digress! The first is such a great sword & sorcery film, up there with Conquest, Conan the Barbarian, Fire and Ice, etc. Evil on a small scale instead of the whole "oooooh, good vs evil, the world is at risk!" of high fantasy with a hero going on an adventure and finding allies. Rip Torn throwing kids in the fire, the blind witches, the helmet dudes with the goo that rots their brains, the bird people--goddamn, sets my fantasy heart a'flutter. Plus the ferrets! 2cute

The sword & sorcery genre is pretty sad, really. The bad heavily outweighs the good. You'd think the Italians would have just wrecked the competition, but ehhh, not really. I've seen all the Italian ones and most of the American stuff and it's always the same sad story. Too much of it plays it for laughs, 'cause I guess people couldn't take this stuff seriously.

Hearts and Armour (1983) is a lost classic imo. Real foggy as well and channels Excalibur fairly heavily. And more known and kinda more caveman-themed, Yor and Ironmaster are imperative watches. I kinda prefer the Yor movie over the series myself, as it condenses it all together for a smoother experience so you can see a pterodactyl hanglider sooner.

[Mischief Maker]

The sword & sorcery genre is pretty sad, really. The bad heavily outweighs the good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-C-e9Tt42HI

[BIL]

One of the recent Blurays had some amazing cover art. Came with a mini poster of it, although it's super tiny. They nailed it, though.

Rad, those rotten lumberers front and center. Fulci's zombies are so brutal. Unstoppable dead things! Loved 'em ever since ZOMBI 2 with that godawful bloated fucker eating service rounds on the boat. Utter horror.

[drauch]

The sword & sorcery genre is pretty sad, really. The bad heavily outweighs the good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-C-e9Tt42HI

I really hate MST3K, but I do agree: Ator SUCKS. The third film, Iron Warrior, is actually a pretty good one though. It actually has blood and tits and fun stuff due to a different director and no more Miles O'Keefe hacking it up as Ator.

*Edit, sorry, it's the last Ator with O'Keefe as Ator; he just has completely different hair!

[BIL]

Addendum to above: Aaaahahaha! Coroner: "In my opinion, the death of the poor bastard was caused by massive haemorrhage." Sometimes I forget all these movies are dubbed in glorious INGERLISH innit

[vol.2]

Ok. Watched Conquest last night. Amazing. Loved the signature Falci shots in the swampy wilderness. There was one shot in particular taken of the two heroes in profile through a tuft of reeds and playing with focal distance that really helped to create an eerie mood. Also can't say enough about the practical effects. The Zombies are such wonderful things, tucked away and hiding in coastal rock outcroppings, waiting for their chance to fulfill their terrible purpose. So much more intense and sentient than stereotypical zombies; these are something of their own species and not dull husks of men.

The last 15 minutes in particular was stellar. I really loved how strong Conquest ends, which is a common problem area in fantasy movies in general. Obviously don't want to give away anything, but I thought the choices made in the end are great and makes the movie so much more memorable. I saw it on my home projector, which is okay, but I really hope the local theater gets to play it in Italian (I could only find English dub streaming) because I would love to see it on a big screen, and I think the cinematography is so strong that it would transform the experience.

[drauch]

Glad you liked it! I too love the ending so much. A fitting end to the whole dreamy scenario.

Dunno how well-versed you are with Italian 'genre' stuff, so sorry if I'm just being pedantic. Most Italian films of this sort only have dub tracks around. A lot of the times they used actors from all over the place and marketed their stuff all over. Like in Man with No Name--nobody watches the Italian of that, since Clint dubbed himself. Their dubbing is pretty good most of the time imo, but in some of the 'lesser' productions you'll get some silly stuff.

[vol.2]

Dunno how well-versed you are with Italian 'genre' stuff, so sorry if I'm just being pedantic. Most Italian films of this sort only have dub tracks around. A lot of the times they used actors from all over the place and marketed their stuff all over. Like in Man with No Name--nobody watches the Italian of that, since Clint dubbed himself. Their dubbing is pretty good most of the time imo, but in some of the 'lesser' productions you'll get some silly stuff.

Thanks! That's helpful.

I have watched all the Sergio Leone stuff and am aware of the generality of them being dubbed. It always made sense to me because it was Clint, and also because they were supposed to be in the US or Mexico for the most part, and they wouldn't have made anymore sense to be speaking Italian, if you follow me. I wasn't aware that this extended to Italian Fantasy movies (Spaghetti Fantasy?) so I didn't know that the dubbed version is preferred. I know there are at least some Italian fantasy movies I've seen in Italian (early Argento comes to mind), and I'm not versed enough to know which Italian fantasy movies should be dubbed or not. I guess it's probably director by director.

[drauch]

Yeah, it really just depends on casting. Like in Suspiria or Phenomena with big English names--I can't imagine that in Italian. But then I'll see people like Mario Adorf and Klaus Kinski dubbed in Italian. Or in Django it's Franco Nero in Italian and someone else dubbed iirc, but in Django Strikes Again, the only real sequel, it's him in the English. It's kinda a crapshoot. I usually look at dubbing negatively in almost anything else, but I think it's much more serviceable here since they did it so much and were good at it imo, something I can't say for almost any other dubbing, modern or otherwise.

Trying to think, but in most of the Italian fantasy I think you'll probably come across dub only. Haha, and speaking of Beastmaster/Tanya Roberts, totally forgot she was in Hearts and Armour, too!

[vol.2]

Prey. 6/10

All of it's 6 stars come from the production values and the action scenes. There are some good fights and some cool weapon stuff that I found enjoyable and exciting enough to make it through the whole 2 hours without feeling like it was slow or I wanted to turn it off. If a movie can do that, it gets a D from me minimum.

That being said, what's left to talk about really isn't much. The story and dialog are super weak and cheesy in a cringey way and not a funny way. It's in no way a spoiler to reveal that this movie is essentially a "girl boss" flick, but the lack of a good narrative or any significant character development does the message an injustice. Rather than showing us through storytelling (narratively or visually), the audience is simply told what the movie is about without telling us why we should care or even attempting to involve us emotionally. Disappointing.

[xxx1993]

Bullet Train was good fun! Easily one of the best of this year!

[Vexorg]

Lightyear: ***1/2

If anyone can take a premise that sounds like it would be an Eisneresque cash-in at best and a trainwreck at worst and actually make something worthwhile out of it, it's Pixar. An "Origin story" of sorts for Buzz Lightyear (the premise is that this is the movie that the Buzz Lightyear toy Andy got in Toy Story was based off of,) it doesn't really break any new ground, but managed to be a lot more entertaining than I expected it to be. The plot feels like they borrowed just a bit too much from Up, and it feels like they were trying to go for some of the usual Pixar emotion but watered it down too much to be effective, but I'd still call it a decent middle-of-the-road Pixar film.

[xxx1993]

Secret Headquarters was pretty fun. Kinda reminds me of Iron Man and Ant-Man. Next stop, Day Shift!

[vol.2]

Uncharted 2/10

Terrible, terrible, terrible. I knew it would be but I watched it anyway. Marky Mark is an awful actor. I seriously don't understand why anyone ever thought he was anything more than that. The only movie I remember him being any good in was that one from the 90s where he plays a guy who inadvertently becomes hitched to the daughter of a family of Irish drifters who live in wagons in the rural Midwest. I can't remember the name of the film, and I refuse to look it up, but it was pretty good because it dealt with an unusual topic and is an interesting glimpse into the lives of a group of grifters from a specific part of Americana.

But, let's face it, Wahlberg is not the only problem with this movie, the script is awful, it's trite beyond comprehension, and there aren't enough interesting action scenes to even provide an adequate sensory payoff. It gets 2 stars for the CGI work done on the tombs, but don't feel like you have to sit through the rest of the movie to watch those parts; just skip through it.

I also rewatched Deadpool last night. 6/10

It lost points the second time around for me. Full disclosure, I was a huge New Mutants fan growing up, and I have a special place in my heart for those comics, and also X Factor, which is sort of what New Mutants spiritually turned into. Deadpool was an important bad guy in the late New Mutants stuff, and the early X Factor comics, and along with Domino, they were some of my favorite characters. Many of you will doubtless know that the old Deadpool didn't talk, and was a very different character that the spooftastic corny jokey Deadpool that later emerged and which the two movies were ultimately based on.

Because of that, I fully expected to hate the movies, and I was shocked the first time I went to see them in the theaters and I actually enjoyed myself, but they have not aged well. Watching the first movie for the second time, it's a lot easier to see what I liked about it the first time around, and to put it into perspective. The production values were excellent, and both Ryan Reynolds and his lady put in better than average performances. The script on the other hand, isn't much to write home about. The jokey dialogue only held up the first time I saw it, and what's left is not much in terms of a plot. It hits the main points of his origin story here, but it doesn't really do much more than that, and it commits some pretty awful offenses along the way, the biggest of which is the way they handled non linear storytelling.

Flashbacks can be used in way that helps to establish a story, but they are more often used a lazy way to fill out a script. The "and how did I get to this point in the story, let's look back some years" thing really sucks and is generally a sign of bad lazy storytelling. The "ok, now we're all caught up, and it makes sense for me to be narrating this here film because that's the voice you've been listening to, and OH! now I can break the fourth wall too" is even worse. And that's really the thing I hate the most about the movie; I hate fourth wall crap like this and The Office and stuff.