The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Anything from run & guns to modern RPGs, what else do you play?
Post Reply
User avatar
Ajora
Posts: 207
Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2017 5:42 pm

The laziest professional video game review I've ever read

Post by Ajora »

Yowza, how did this ever get approved by the editor?! I am legitimately amazed (as well as amused) that somebody was paid money to write this "PC Game Review". I also find it strange that I've never seen it until now, even though it's mentioned on the Wiki entry for one of my all-time favorite video games. What an absolutely ridiculous piece of journalistic tosh. It's actually kind of cute, in a pathetic sort in a way.

https://ew.com/article/1997/10/24/pc-ga ... ony-night/
There was a time, in the era of great chaos, when the Earth and the moon were at war with each other. A daredevil from the moon piloted a bizarre aircraft. It was feared, and because of its shape, called... Einhander.
bigbadboaz
Posts: 1135
Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2005 4:08 am
Location: Los Angeles, CA

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by bigbadboaz »

It's shocking out of context like that, so I'm guessing you weren't around to read the actual EW magazine when it was published. This would have been one of many tiny capsule reviews all run together and fitting into only the bottom third of a page or so. I believe they did that for all types of media, with only a few featured items getting fully-fleshed out reviews each issue.

I totally agree this sort of thing isn't even worth publishing as a "review", and Entertainment Weekly wouldn't have been the place to look for gaming reviews - EVER - but it's exactly what the editor would have been looking for from the writer.
User avatar
Despatche
Posts: 4196
Joined: Thu Dec 02, 2010 11:05 pm

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by Despatche »

So what you're saying is the situation is even worse than initially described...

In the mid to late '90s, 2D was generally considered to be evil outdated laziness outside of Japan. It's a miracle that SotN sold more than a handful of copies outside of Japan, really.
Rage Pro, Rage Fury, Rage MAXX!
User avatar
WelshMegalodon
Posts: 1225
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2015 5:09 am

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by WelshMegalodon »

Why reviews thought this in the late 90s when the Freescape engine had been around almost as long as the NES is beyond me. (Heck, I, Robot actually predated the NES.) The more things change...
Indie hipsters: "Arcades are so dead"
Finite Continues? Ain't that some shit.
RBelmont wrote:A little math shows that if you overclock a Pi3 to about 3.4 GHz you'll start to be competitive with PCs from 2002. And you'll also set your house on fire
User avatar
mamboFoxtrot
Posts: 745
Joined: Tue Jul 29, 2014 3:44 am
Location: Florida, Estados Unidos

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by mamboFoxtrot »

reminds me of this classic
Image
User avatar
BrianC
Posts: 8859
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 1:33 am
Location: MD

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by BrianC »

mamboFoxtrot wrote:reminds me of this classic
Image
lol @ "big chessy monsters". N64 game has plenty of those.
User avatar
Blinge
Posts: 5369
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2013 4:05 pm
Location: Villa Straylight

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by Blinge »

omg hahahahah.

Saved.
Image
1cc List - Youtube - You emptylock my heart
User avatar
BulletMagnet
Posts: 13888
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:05 am
Location: Wherever.
Contact:

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by BulletMagnet »

BrianC wrote:lol @ "big chessy monsters". Every Castlevania game has plenty of those.
Fixed. Outta curiosity, which magazine ran that one? Not exactly the most enduring of takes. :lol:
User avatar
FinalBaton
Posts: 4461
Joined: Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:38 pm
Location: Québec City

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by FinalBaton »

mamboFoxtrot wrote:reminds me of this classic
Image
:lol: thanks for that, I had a good laugh
-FM Synth & Black Metal-
User avatar
CIT
Posts: 4641
Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 2:39 pm
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by CIT »

Anybody remember that Giga Wing 2 review that was shared in this forum many years ago? The one where the reviewer hadn't figured out that you can reflect bullets and was simultaneously complaining that the game is way too hard ("sometimes literally impossible to dodge bullets") and way too easy ("infinite continues — beat it in half an hour!"). :lol:



Another good one: Joystiq's "review" of Nier:
https://www.engadget.com/2010/05/03/nier-review-fail/

...all because he didn't realize quest locations are shown on the mini-map.
User avatar
gameoverDude
Posts: 2269
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 12:28 am
Contact:

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by gameoverDude »

CIT wrote:Anybody remember that Giga Wing 2 review that was shared in this forum many years ago? The one where the reviewer hadn't figured out that you can reflect bullets and was simultaneously complaining that the game is way too hard ("sometimes literally impossible to dodge bullets") and way too easy ("infinite continues — beat it in half an hour!"). :lol:
Here's the one by Brad Galloway at Game Critics.
* "The enemy fire is so thick, so heartless and so unavoidable that it's literally impossible to make it through a single stage unscathed."
* "Another thing to note is that the game can be beaten in about 15 minutes (using many, many continues), and I doubt anyone will want to play through it more than once or twice."

If Brad stuck with the game long enough to get good & figure out the right times to use Reflect, he'd probably have reached the point of making it through the first stage on 1 life. At least.
Sure seems he didn't care about shmups. There's not a word about the Reflect feature's relation to medals & scoring. GW2 isn't a very long game, maybe about 20 mins. to beat properly, but I don't see that as a flaw. I'd rather have that over some 60 minute games that start to drag on after the halfway point.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doG72RZPcEk
Mode 7's 1CC on Youtube. Nice.
Kinect? KIN NOT.
User avatar
Vexorg
Posts: 3055
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 1:33 am
Location: Greensboro NC

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by Vexorg »

Some of the worst reviews I've seen were of Microsoft published PC games before Xbox existed. Quite often you'd get about two sentences about the game and seven paragraphs about the evils of "M$" and their monopolistic practices. Basically it looked like they plagarized something out of the Slashdot comments section and tried to pass it off as a game review.
We want you, save our planet!
Xbox Live: Vexorg | The Sledgehammer - Version 2.0
User avatar
evil_ash_xero
Posts: 6181
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2007 6:33 am
Location: Where the fish lives

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by evil_ash_xero »

Yeah, I had a sub to EW back in the day, and I always remember this review. They were like the 1 mag that didn't ejaculate on that game.

Some people are just obsessed with the next thing, or the big current. And can't see a masterpiece because it's of a slightly older era.
User avatar
Blinge
Posts: 5369
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2013 4:05 pm
Location: Villa Straylight

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by Blinge »

The postmodern lens turned viciously on Resi 2 remake of all fucking things.
Lazy? No. Pseudo-intellectual claptrap here we come!

Why isn't the video game what I wanted it to be?? VOMMMMM

I Wish 'Resident Evil 2' Let Me Be a More Compassionate Hero
Image
1cc List - Youtube - You emptylock my heart
User avatar
drauch
Posts: 5637
Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2008 6:14 am

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by drauch »

Ahhhhhh Vice, what a shocking surprise. Gag.
BIL wrote: "Small sack, LOTS OF CUM" - Nikola Tesla
nosorrow
Posts: 346
Joined: Mon Oct 07, 2013 10:36 pm

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by nosorrow »

Blinge wrote:The postmodern lens turned viciously on Resi 2 remake of all fucking things.
Lazy? No. Pseudo-intellectual claptrap here we come!

Why isn't the video game what I wanted it to be?? VOMMMMM

I Wish 'Resident Evil 2' Let Me Be a More Compassionate Hero
This is a laughably horrible review. Where do they find these people? LOL...

Reminds me of why I haven't consumed "entertainment media" in years, it's just a pile of sentimental preachy trash.
User avatar
TransatlanticFoe
Posts: 1736
Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2011 11:06 pm
Location: UK

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by TransatlanticFoe »

Blinge wrote:The postmodern lens turned viciously on Resi 2 remake of all fucking things.
Lazy? No. Pseudo-intellectual claptrap here we come!

Why isn't the video game what I wanted it to be?? VOMMMMM

I Wish 'Resident Evil 2' Let Me Be a More Compassionate Hero
Hahahaha what the fuck this that? It's like the person has never seen a video game before. But I don't want to stomp on tortoises, take mushrooms and steal coins. Can't I be a normal plumber and overcharge little old ladies for changing tap washers?
User avatar
Obscura
Posts: 1805
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:19 am

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by Obscura »

That reminds me a lot of Edge Magazine's infamous review of Doom that slammed it for not being able to talk to the demons.
User avatar
gameoverDude
Posts: 2269
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 12:28 am
Contact:

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by gameoverDude »

I don't buy or subscribe to game magazines anymore. Not one. I'd rather watch a gameplay video of a game on Youtube to see what it's like & think for myself.
Shaking my head at that RE2 review with the wrong sort of nitpicking. This is one reason I generally look down on professional reviewers. Quite often, I've enjoyed games that they trashed.
Kinect? KIN NOT.
User avatar
Skykid
Posts: 17646
Joined: Sun Nov 18, 2007 2:16 pm
Location: Planet Dust Asia

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by Skykid »

I Wish 'Resident Evil 2' Let Me Be a More Compassionate Hero
"That notion is wild, the police station as fortress/safe haven is laughably naive (particularly for people of color). It certainly was in the 90s as well, and really, when has policing in America ever actually been about keeping neighborhoods safe as opposed to keeping a racist status quo up and running?"
I'm sure there's a way for this victim of society to end the oppressive misery of their life.
Always outnumbered, never outgunned - No zuo no die

User avatar
Marc
Posts: 3408
Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2005 10:27 am
Location: Wigan, England.

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by Marc »

What.... did I just read? Truly cringe-inducing.
XBL & Switch: mjparker77 / PSN: BellyFullOfHell
User avatar
CIT
Posts: 4641
Joined: Thu Jun 30, 2005 2:39 pm
Location: Germany
Contact:

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by CIT »

Written by a white person, because of course it was. :roll:
User avatar
Blinge
Posts: 5369
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2013 4:05 pm
Location: Villa Straylight

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by Blinge »

Skykid wrote:I Wish 'Resident Evil 2' Let Me Be a More Compassionate Hero
"That notion is wild, the police station as fortress/safe haven is laughably naive (particularly for people of color). It certainly was in the 90s as well, and really, when has policing in America ever actually been about keeping neighborhoods safe as opposed to keeping a racist status quo up and running?"
I'm sure there's a way for this victim of society to end the oppressive misery of their life.
That's the worst part by far.

I get how someone being an EMT and trying to view the game through that lens could be an amusing thought experiment, but leave it at that. There's certainly no need to write a fucking review based on it. I mean.. surely this is entitlement!
It looks like Vice did the 'normal' review for the modern human, then let this girl do her own thing off to the side.

Also I hate the term virtue signalling, but that very last paragraph? Fuck me if that isn't virtue signalling.

End the misery of her life? Nah she spreads it around by trying to save people :mrgreen:
Image
1cc List - Youtube - You emptylock my heart
User avatar
Steamflogger Boss
Posts: 3075
Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2017 3:29 pm
Location: Eating the Rich

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by Steamflogger Boss »

I thought about posting that in this thread a couple days ago when I saw it on another gaming forum.

Also, this thread is my favorite thread on shmups right now. Keep the hits coming! :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
NYN
Posts: 507
Joined: Sun Apr 06, 2014 8:33 am
Location: Akedò

Re: go pro go for gold

Post by NYN »

Nothing "professional" as it says in the header to write about some stuff and recieve some compensation. It is a matter of proficiency. Know the score, do what you want with it. Getting paid is Ma 'n Pa's idea of "professionalism".

"Listen, son. Ya Moth'r's getting mighty worried 'bout yo'r carreer choice. An' to be full frank 'bout it, I start to get a little tired when I lie to mah peers that mah own blood is shoveling shit in Miami, too. It's a matter of, you might say, professionalism."
"But Pop, there's a regular paycheck in it an' I get this here badge wiff it. It says there "Federal Bureau of Hygiene" on it."
"A paycheck an' a badge? Ma land, son, lemme hug you! Mighty fine work, son! Now I knows what to say the next time in the off. Martha! Our son's made it!"
"I've transmuted into a super being. I'll proof it by killing you." -NGIII ( words to kill by )
User avatar
KAI
Posts: 4646
Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:24 pm
Location: Joker Star Galaxy, Argentina
Contact:

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by KAI »

For those who can read spanish, here's an argentine game journalism jewel:
Spoiler
Image
basically:
"After 2 turds of games like giga wing and gunbird 2, capcom tries once again to steal money from you with one of these less-serious games that can only be sold at planet japan... sega genesis graphics... capcom pls stop doing these shitty games... even if you are a shooting game fan, don't get near this crap. 2/10"
Image
User avatar
Steamflogger Boss
Posts: 3075
Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2017 3:29 pm
Location: Eating the Rich

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by Steamflogger Boss »

KAI wrote:For those who can read spanish, here's an argentine game journalism jewel:
Spoiler
Image
basically:
"After 2 turds of games like giga wing and gunbird 2, capcom tries once again to steal money from you with one of these less-serious games that can only be sold at planet japan... sega genesis graphics... capcom pls stop doing these shitty games... even if you are a shooting game fan, don't get near this crap. 2/10"
10/10 would read again.
User avatar
Ajora
Posts: 207
Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2017 5:42 pm

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by Ajora »

Even though most of the reviews I've read for Giga Wing and Giga Wing 2 have been negative, I'd still really like to try 'em out one day. Sucking at a game isn't fair criticism. Hoping for a Steam release.
There was a time, in the era of great chaos, when the Earth and the moon were at war with each other. A daredevil from the moon piloted a bizarre aircraft. It was feared, and because of its shape, called... Einhander.
User avatar
drauch
Posts: 5637
Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2008 6:14 am

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by drauch »

Homie... I mean, I'm just gonna ignore the 'bad reviews' part, but MAME is your friend.
BIL wrote: "Small sack, LOTS OF CUM" - Nikola Tesla
User avatar
WelshMegalodon
Posts: 1225
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2015 5:09 am

Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea

Post by WelshMegalodon »

Not for Giga Wing 2 it isn't.
Indie hipsters: "Arcades are so dead"
Finite Continues? Ain't that some shit.
RBelmont wrote:A little math shows that if you overclock a Pi3 to about 3.4 GHz you'll start to be competitive with PCs from 2002. And you'll also set your house on fire
Post Reply