THIS WAS YOUR LIFE - a mormon story (MANY IMAGES)

[JBC]

Ok, I'm warning you now - my Destroy Them All journal entries can be offensive so if you feel that you might be a wuss then you probably shouldn't read any further.

Hello, all. I wanted to take the time to address an issue which i have always found to be quite enlightening. So enlightening in fact that i have compiled this step by step explanation as to why we should all throw away our sinful daily lives and give our souls and devote our lives to fanatic christianity. The issue i am addressing is of course those ball-rollicking awesome pamphlets we find lying around in gas stations on a monthly basis. Here i will explain page-by-page exactly what we should learn from reading these awesome comics, provided for us god-fearing americans by those wacky arizonan mormons who without we would not know the pleasures of incestual polygamy. On to the review...



Basically what is being said here is that Death - the mighty reaper himself - is awesome and no matter how much you have worked and appreciated your life that one day he will sneak up on you in all his Blue Oyster glory and poke you in the back at a moment so perfect, so SHOCKING that you will die from it.



Thats right, kids. All our righteousnesses are as filthy rags. That means that everytime you did something righteous and felt proud of it - like when you worked your ass off for eight to sixteen hours a day, seven days a week and gained all those things with the money you made from it like tv's with pictures of people holding each other a gunpoint displayed on them, and pipe tobacco, and fancy sports cars to drive your pre-grieving children and multiple wives to school and work with didn't mean nothin' but SIN in the eyes of our almighty and awesome lord. You should be ashamed of yourself for being so smug and appreciating all the things that you have done for yourself and for others you hard-working, tea-drinking, turtleneck wearing piece of faded leaf.



When you die you shall be nippless, so sayeth the lord. A gigantic Norwayen angel will descend upon you and take you on an utmostly fantastic space-voyage whilst clutching your breast. You will be flabbergasted at the realization that Heaven is not located in a Hooters resteraunt, and that Hell is not being forced to have sex with Richard Simmons on a daily basis. But your flabbergastation here will pale in comparison to the utter bumfuzzlement you feel when -



- you find out that your naked, nippless ass has to wait in the BIGGEST god damned line you have ever seen. You will also be kind of upset when you realize that this angel dude has already given you the judgement supposedly reserved for the lord to make in all his lord-like, reaper employing awesomness. Speaking of the reaper - if me, Alexi Laiho, and Death all got together for a kegger - all your asses would be toast by morning. Anyway - you guys better quit appreciating your accomplishments in life or the lord will open up a book and then ANOTHER book on your ass and that will not be righteous for you. He lost his face in the war - and you don't wanna fuck with that.



It comes as no surprise to me that the lord has to shout at his angel to get him to review your life. After having to tell him what to do that many times i'd imagine that he'd be pretty aggravated. You don't see Death just standing there with his thumb up his ass, do you? Nope - Death's out there pointing at people and getting his chores done and still has enough time left over to pose for album covers. Anyway - in space they have this cool movie screen that doesn't need a ceiling or wall to hang from and you will actually have to sit there for the exact same amount of time that you lived and rewatch every moment while this big angel guy gives you 'the eye' evertime you stroke your stuffed rabbit and look frumpy. Poor ignorant babies. Little do they know that being poopy about your stuffed animals is an ultimate sin and will earn you a stern 'uhhh-huh' sometime in the future.



No! Not THAT story! Damn. That must be the one about the guy who worked at a grocery store in the produce section who chopped up those peppers without washing his hands afterwards and then went out on a date. I'm starting to think twice about this guy, anyway. I mean - i've seen chicks before and contemplated about how NICE! they looked but i never really did it by peering out of a creepy, dirty alleyway. I guess thats how this perv gets his rocks off. This is the part where we find out for sure that being proud of yourself and whispering are ultimate sins punishible by having to hang out with Norwegians. Notice here that 'unmerciful' and 'hypocrisy' are located right next to each other...



That's right, guys. Freedom of thought is not allowed in church at all. You can think about the ball game all you want on your own time - but when your in church you better be a blank slate because gods got this awesome space theatre that can hear your thoughts and will have you saying BUNK! Bunk that!



Yes. Everlasting, fiery torment. That's what's called for in this case. We better nip this whore-mongering, whispering buffoon in the bud by shaving off his nipples and throwing him into a pit of fire that he will stay in FOR EVER. Have any of you guys ever felt fire before? I once burned myself while smoking pipe-tobacco and man... fire hurts! God is so all-knowing that he pretends to need a book to tell him what to do with this guy. It's too bad that the angel accidentally mixed up the book of life with his copy of 'Farenheit 9/11'. Oh well, he wont know - he doesn't have eyes!



Awesome...



Here we see ole' Joe - who not only is one of the best workers but is also a damn fine christian. Joe and that other guy from before have led very similar lives as you can see - but instead of appreciating the things he had he sat around throwing his copies of Farenheit 9/11 on the floor and crying in public. Yes - Joe never took the time to smile and instead spent his time whining about how he's going to hell. Apparently if you constantly talk about how your going to hell you will be granted eternal life just to keep with the trend of merciful hypocrisy. Please people... shake hands with old ladies, share your books with neighbors, and please - please don't think about how nice they look.



There are three (3, A MULTIPLE OF 6! No msg!) things on these pages that stand out to me.
3. - 'Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints'
2. - They put 'precious blood' in bold letters under what to pray for.
1. - Death is awesome.

If you would like to contact 'Chick' publications and tell them how you have converted to Jesus, know your a sinner who is damned to eternal hell, and love the awesome comics they leave for me to find lying on the gas pumps at work you can reach them at (909) 987-0771 or visit the website at (no shit) www.chick.com.

[Ramus]

Yikes.

[Dave_K.]

LOL, thanks circuitface, you made my day. Checkout this pic on chick.com's website explaining away evolution! Its a little hard to read, but is hilarilous. I really don't know if this is supposed to be serious or satire.

http://www.chick.com./catalog/posters/e ... poster.jpg

The picture shows why apes started stading on two legs, apparently while bent over we kept getting rammed in the ass by a triceratops.

[undamned]

Chick has been around forever. I think their comics are great Cheesy, yes, but still great. Oh, and as far as our righteousness being as filthy rags before God, He's not saying "don't do good things!" He's stating that we can't impress a perfect God w/ the deeds of imperfect people. Makes sense, really.
-ud

[BulletMagnet]

Checkout this pic on chick.com's website explaining away evolution! Its a little hard to read, but is hilarilous. I really don't know if this is supposed to be serious or satire.

I'm no science expert, but I do know that at least two of the examples cited there are actually documented: I've heard of the one supposed "missing link" which was actually based upon the tooth of an extinct pig species, and even more easily recall Piltdown Man, which was an outright hoax, a skull made out of combined human and chimpanzee parts, filled in with plaster and artificially aged.

[Specineff]

This is not Lattter Day Saints-related.

[greg]

Yeah, dude. I read this, hoping for some hilarious Mormon stuff. I'm disappointed. You do realize that there is a difference between Mormonism and regular protestant Christianity, don't you?

Since you live in AZ, head on up to Prescott at some social event at night. There's a prevalent cult up there called the Potter's House, and they hand out some real creepy comic books. Way better than the one you posted above. Their main gist is to scare people into salvation---with no fiscal accountability, of course. Read up about them on the Net. Scary stories like some pastor who makes a little girl reach into a bucket of blood to grab hold of a heart and remove it from the bucket---somehow this will teach her the lesson of not sinning.

Anyhow, their comic books they hand out are gruesome. I may not remember exactly, but one had a boy sitting on a sofa smoking doobies, and these demons were reaching out for him and screaming, "BURN IN HELL!" Great stuff. If you collect enough of them, you can wallpaper your bathroom with them.

[Bloodreign]

I've seen this comic before, these church guys love to drive around with a blind man, and he passes these out. They also drop off Watchtower books which I promptly throw away after they give their little sermon and leave.

[FRO]

I've seen this comic before, these church guys love to drive around with a blind man, and he passes these out. They also drop off Watchtower books which I promptly throw away after they give their little sermon and leave.

Once again, there are differences here. "Watchtower" is a publication put out by the Jehovah's Witnesses, a cult that perverts Christianity, though in a different fashion than the Mormon's do.

And while those Chick tracks might be a bit heavy-handed, they are based on Biblical truths. And yes, I agree with ud - they are quite cheesy. My dad has several of those shown above. I remember thumbing through them as a kid & thinking they were cheesy. Many of those have been available for over 30 or 40 years. Anyway, I don't mean to get into a sermon on this forum, but there are significant differences between Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, & the various denominations of Christianity.

[mrMagenta]

argh! that anti evolution poster..

piltdown man and all.. these are old and known frauds. not a case of people conspiring to convey some anti-christian falsehood, it's just the old ordinary fraud thing.. the science field is huge! it's not like the evolution theory shakes because some fools wanted to make themselves famous.

evolution is the real mcCoy. i'm proud to be the result of billions of years of it. hats off to all ancestors! from the frail singlecelled slimeys that once rose out of the pungent aminoacid soup to grandad the "ape".

does evolution somehow threaten the good things a christian should strive for, like Jesus message of love and righteousness... no, it doesn't! thinking of evolution as "Satans way of the brute" is a lame misconception.

and eternal life after death.. do we really need it? it seems pretty ugly a construct. like a memory leak or Java without the garbagecollector.

..but each to his own..

(have to confess that the triceratops detail cracked me up though, brilliant)

[df0notfound]

http://www.chick.com./reading/tracts/1054/1054_01.asp

hilarious stuff

http://www.chick.com./reading/tracts/1052/1052_01.asp

this too, god fire-bombs gays!

[The n00b]

Evolution is not the "real mcCoy." It is a theory that has numerous holes in it. Don't come at me with that "gravity is a theory too" either. The theory behind gravity has a whole lot less holes in it than the theory of evolution.

Really, the only reason that the theory of evolution is put on pedastal these days is because it's the best thing we've been able to come up with so far. It is not a religion, it's a theory based in science so it is still very much under review.

BTW For all the idiots who are going to take this post as an endorsement of the theory of intelligent design, go away.

and eternal life after death.. do we really need it? it seems pretty ugly a construct. like a memory leak or Java without the garbagecollector.

Who really knows what happens after "death?" Nobody really has any sort of clue but the universe really does have a way of defying our preconceptions of a beautiful "construct."

[Dave_K.]

and eternal life after death.. do we really need it? it seems pretty ugly a construct. like a memory leak or Java without the garbagecollector.

ROLF!!!

[Venom]

Here are a couple Jack Chick parodies

The one in the first post http://www.weirdcrap.com/chick/tyd/tyd.html

And one about Jack Chick http://www.weirdcrap.com/chick/dtr/dtr.html

More at http://216.131.88.117/chick/intro.html

[Dylan1CC]

Oh goody, the lovely chick tracts. Anyone here ever see Kirk Cameron's "hell infomercial." Wow. How loving.

Once again, there are differences here. "Watchtower" is a publication put out by the Jehovah's Witnesses, a cult that perverts Christianity, though in a different fashion than the Mormon's do.

I am a Jehovah's Witness (Isaiah 43:10), born and raised. God's personal name ("Let your name be sanctified," Lord's prayer "Father, glorify your name" John 12;28 ) appeared almost 7,000 times in the old testament and a shortened version of "Jah/Jehovah/YHWH aka the tetragrammaton was used in the earliest discovered copies of the Septuagint (the old testament translated for ancient greek speaking Jews) And Jesus quoted from Isaiah where God's name was used when attending synagogue, Paul and the apostles often quoted directly from Hebrew passages where God's personal name appeared.

I firmly believe my chosen faith is in no way a cult and we try our best to follow the bible's tenets as closely as the early christian congregation did. We also adhere as closely as possible to the oldest available Hebrew and Greek manuscripts (we use a variety of translations, our bible is based on the world renowned Hebrew and Greek to english translation of Westcott and Hort). And I own many different translations of the bible for comparison and study purposes.

Although I was "born" as a Jehovah's Witnesses and that is my parent's religion, I became baptized only after being encouraged to study and make a conscious decision as I did when I was 16. And of course, even after that, I still had to do a lot of inner searching before I made my "final" decision. Some don't get baptized until they are much older than that. As Paul said "Do not definitely believe everything, but test the inspired expressions." We go door to door because we sincerely admire Jesus and Paul's example in this and also the fact that this is commanded. As Jesus said before he left earth "Go therefore and make disciples of people of all the nations..." Paul said at Acts 20:20 "I didn't shrink from declaring to you anything that was profitable, teaching you publicly and from house to house."

And I wonder who really "perverted" the Church? Do some historical research on Emperor Constantine and you will see where the REAL 'adding and removing' to the foundation and doctrines of the Church came from.

And those chic tracts are flat out over-the-top rediculous, neither we nor the Mormons use them. Telling people "convert or you'll go to hell" using cartoons? Give me a break. Ever even see the teaching of "hell" in the bible? Just like the trinity, it's nowhere to be found and the emphasis is on the resurrection and reconciling yourself to God and his Son. When did hell come into the equation? Nowhere in the bible does God say he is going to torture you in fire! It wasn't until after the bible was written that factions within the church and then later the Puritans really started pushing this idea. So WHERE did this idea come from?

The idea of a hellish and tortuous underworld came from ancient Babylon. Funny since so many dogmatic christians will often rudely lambast anyone they deem pagan. Many key ideas such as hell spread from the "cradle of civilization" and into other cultures with the exception of the Jewish nation who never taught this idea.

Historian Will Durant: "Christianity did not destroy paganism; it adopted it. . . . From Egypt came the ideas of a divine trinity." The same applies to Hell which was absorbed from Babylonian teachings.

The word "sheol" is a word that translates to "grave" or "dirt." And Gehenna was just a trash heap outside the city which the Jews used to dump garbage and the bodies of dead criminals. IOW, when Jesus said if you're evil you "end up in 'gehenna'" it simply means evil people are done away with, gone forever. There is no torture.

"Death and Hades were hurled into the lake of fire." "The lake" mentioned here is symbolic, since death and hell (Hades) that are thrown into it cannot literally be burned. "This [lake of fire] means the second death"—death from which there is no hope of coming back to life.—Revelation 20:14.

Revelation 20:13 states: "The sea gave up those dead in it, and death and Hades gave up those dead in them." So the Bible's "hell" is not a stopping point for people to be sadistically tortured.

"the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear [Jesus'] voice and come out." John 5:28, 29

Later on, Revelation 21:3 and 4 says "And I heard a voice form the thrown call out that said 'The tent of God is with mankind and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away." So again, the bible emphasizes death being done away with, Hades or death itself is to be destroyed, gone forever.

So what is the punishment for death according to the bible?

"Through one man sin entered into the world and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men because they had all sinned." Romans 5:12

"The wages sin pays is death." Romans 6:23

Psalm 146:4 says: "His spirit goes out, he goes back to his ground; in that day his thoughts do perish."

Ezekiel 18:4: The "soul" dies, man is "asleep." Later on, Jesus who fulfilled every prophecy in the old testament told his apostles "Lazurus my friend has gone to sleep" before he resurrected him.

Ecclesiastes 9:5, 10, where we read: "The dead know nothing . . . In the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom." (New International Version)

The Jews were told by God that the gods and beliefs of the nations around them (which focused almost solely on triads and being punished or sacrificed in fire) were abhorrent. Then centuries later long after the bible is written, all of a sudden christianity gradually ABSORBS the very ideas of Canaan, Babylon and myriads of other nations.

I am not a Jehovah's Witness because I follow "people." I'm chose to be because IMHO, this is the only religion I have found which teaches a satisfying and encouraging view of God's kingdom which Jesus taught us to pray for at Matthew 6:9 and 10.

Isaiah: "...who created the earth. Who created it for nothing but to be inhabited."

Ecclesiastes: chpater 1: "A generation is coming and a generation is going, but the earth itself will stand to times indefinite."

No fire. No hell. No destruction of the earth. Rev 11:18 does say though that people who RUIN the earth itself will be destroyed.

Just as I would never label any of my catholic relatives a "cult," or anyone who professed to be a Muslim just because there are things I do not immediately understand, I would expect the same courtesy. And Fro, please don't view this reply as a "challenge" or that I am in any way annoyed with you, just needed to get this off my chest OK?

[mrMagenta]

.. the workings of gravity are hot in the scienceworld today. on micro/atomary level that is. we know how it works in large scales but the small stuff has weirdness in it. And that IS sort of similar to where we are with the science of evolution.

.. how can one deny that when two beings mate (successfully) there will be an offspring, and that offspring will have a mixture of the genes of its parents? that's natural selection, the mates finding eachother, the stronger materials passed on. real simple. we've been toying around with these things for ages.. we've interfered and bred dogs and cattle from their wilder forms etc. we also know that mutations occur. some spieces are more prone to random mutations than others and all of this can and has been observed in nature and laboratories. again.. very simple concepts that aren't difficult to grasp. these mutations are often bad and sometimes good, the good ones are passed on because the bad mutants don't mate as much, oh and bad stuff is often passed on too if it isn't bad enough to interfere. give it enough time and the good stuff prevails though. we should be thankful for these self-organizing effects. it's elegant stuff... starts off a bit stormy and it's all very slow, but with us humans it's getting more subtle and interesting, like a shift of gears. we aren't above evolution, that would be like denying our sexuality.

sure there be holes to fill up, but in my opinion, we know enough to scrap the 'Ooh noo, I am NOT an APE! I'm too pretty to be from that.' attitude.. that's ridiculing something out of vanity.. everyone is entitled the right to think critically, i just wish we would do a better job of it, so people wouldn't go on making up backward stuff (like intelligent design?).

but i think this discussion has roared it's head here before and usually degrades into flaming. so prolly best keep it in check. i have some strong opinions about these things so i slip up sometimes and come at it a bit too harshly.. i like my evolution. (but agreed, it's not a religion)

[sethsez]

Really, the only reason that the theory of evolution is put on pedastal these days is because it's the best thing we've been able to come up with so far. It is not a religion, it's a theory based in science so it is still very much under review.

WHY DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT "THEORY" DOES NOT MEAN THE SAME THING IN SCIENTIFIC TERMS AS IT DOES IN LAYMAN'S TERMS?

We know that evolution happens. We have witnessed it happen, in labs and in nature. The "holes" are in evolution paths (ie, not if things evolved but what things evolved from) and the like. Yes, there are currently many different ideas about how evolution works, exactly (and this is regarding minutia), but there's no question in the scientific community about whether it actually exists or not.

[Venom]

Ever even see the teaching of "hell" in the bible? Just like the trinity, it's nowhere to be found and the emphasis is on the resurrection and reconciling yourself to God and his Son. When did hell come into the equation? Nowhere in the bible does God say he is going to torture you in fire! It wasn't until after the bible was written that factions within the church and then later the Puritans really started pushing this idea. So WHERE did this idea come from?

From what I know of the bible, it does teach of hell, in certain sections. Perhaps my interpretation of the verses or translation was poor. Anyway, here is a link which lists verses that say yes and no to hell.

http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/hell.html

[Dylan1CC]

Ever even see the teaching of "hell" in the bible? Just like the trinity, it's nowhere to be found and the emphasis is on the resurrection and reconciling yourself to God and his Son. When did hell come into the equation? Nowhere in the bible does God say he is going to torture you in fire! It wasn't until after the bible was written that factions within the church and then later the Puritans really started pushing this idea. So WHERE did this idea come from?

From what I know of the bible, it does teach of hell, in certain sections. Perhaps my interpretation of the verses or translation was poor. Anyway, here is a link which lists verses that say yes and no to hell.

http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/contra/hell.html

Interesting, I will say that much. Thanks for the link.

EDIT: Oh yeah, and the chick tract of course completely MIS-uses the verse "And those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out" for their own spurious ends. It refers to the resurrection itself, the verse doesn't say "You will be resurrected then put to death again, you dirty rag."

[Stormwatch]

"Do you believe in God, Andrei? ... Neither do I. But that's a favorite question of mine. An upside-down question, you know. ... Well, if I asked people whether they believed in life, they'd never understand what I meant. It's a bad question. It can mean so much that it really means nothing. So I ask them if they believe in God. And if they say they do -- then, I know they don't believe in life. ... Because, you see, God -- whatever anyone chooses to call God -- is one's highest conception of the highest possible. And whoever places his highest conception above his own possibility thinks very little of himself and his life. It's a rare gift, you know, to feel reverence for your own life and to want the best, the greatest, the highest possible, here, now, for your very own."

[sethsez]

I wish she'd rise from the grave so I could smack her.

[Dylan1CC]

Also nice how the chick tract completely ignores the scriptures on the 1,000 year reign but instead, the man who is raised up is sent to hell (kinda defeats the point, doesn't it?).

"There were scrolls opened and those who practiced good things were resurrected to a resurrection of judgement and those who practiced good things to a resurrection of life."

So what is the "judgement"? Would God resurrect someone from death only to throw them down to "hell"? No. What would be the point? The tract ignores the entire subject from Revelation of the 1,000 year reign (which both 'vile' people and 'good' people will live under)

First, there is the resurrection where Hades is *emptied,* then according to Revelation at the end of earth's 1,000 year reign, some will be destroyed. Judgement = observation according to the "new scrolls" that are opened during the 1,000 years which Revelation says they are judged "according to." The implication according to the context of all the scriptures regarding the resurrection and 1,000 year reign is a progressive judgement where resurrected people will be allowed to live and judged based on their new start. If resurrected people are allowed to live during the 1,000 year reign, would God resurrect someone only to immediately kill them again? Obviously not.

Verse 41 says "fire prepared for the devil and his angels." In the bible and almost any culture, the word fire means destruction. By "fire prepared" it actually means God will destroy the devil and his angels someday, again, refer to the "lake of fire" where death and hades themselves are destroyed.

Again, the bible says Hades (which is translated "hell") is EMPTIED for the resurrection and both "good" and "bad" people are allowed to live during the 1,000 year reign of peace. Not "Welcome to the stopping point, if we don't like you we'll just throw you into the fiery underworld." Wow. So if "hell is emptied" and hades itself is thrown into the lake of fire, then what is its use? Clearly not torture. Again fire = destruction.

[Specineff]

I wish she'd rise from the grave so I could smack her.

Why, Seth?

[Acid King]

Seeing this stuff makes me want to scan some of the anti drug prop I have.

[Stormwatch]

But she's not dead, she's just floating around!

[Dylan1CC]

But she's not dead, she's just floating around!

LOL

[umi]

"Do you believe in God, Andrei? ... Neither do I. But that's a favorite question of mine. An upside-down question, you know. ... Well, if I asked people whether they believed in life, they'd never understand what I meant. It's a bad question. It can mean so much that it really means nothing. So I ask them if they believe in God. And if they say they do -- then, I know they don't believe in life. ... Because, you see, God -- whatever anyone chooses to call God -- is one's highest conception of the highest possible. And whoever places his highest conception above his own possibility thinks very little of himself and his life. It's a rare gift, you know, to feel reverence for your own life and to want the best, the greatest, the highest possible, here, now, for your very own."

Very cool quote :P

[GaijinPunch]

I think fanaticism about anything brings out the worst in people. I wish that focusing that much energy on God reflected well, and ultimately helped more people (yes, I'm religious) but the fact is, it doesn't -- this thread is a pretty good example of what happens. It scares people away.

Oh, well. Pretty funny to poke at, but I rarely find laughing at somone's form of faith, but I generally find the over-evangelic right-wingers (like the ones in the White House) rather amusing.

[Dave_K.]

This is why I can't wait for scientists to prove life existed on other planets (even if its microscopic), then christianity (and most religions) will be f*ck'd.

LOL, I edited my post, but I liked your response seven force!

[JBC]

This is why I can't wait for scientists to prove life existed on other planets (even if its microscopic), then christianity (and most religions) will be f*ck'd.

Awesome, Dave. I think about that alot as well...