Amusingly bad reviews

[Kollision]

http://shmupstats.wordpress.com/2014/04 ... dreamcast/

Beat bosses without moving

[BrianC]

I like how the one review says Ikaruga has a bipolar spacecraft. Not inaccurate, but the double meaning of the word makes it funnier than it should be.

[BareKnuckleRoo]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w025kQRMZwA

The premise: Tyrian 2000 is awesome because you can take a billion hits without dying. Japanese shmups are unfair because you die in one hit and "demand perfection" to beat them (while showing off a TLB fight from someone else's video on the hardest difficulty of a bullet hell shmup).

(I think Tyrian's fun because it's got crazy weapon customization, but it's got some major issues that could have been addressed to make it a lot better, like getting rid of inertia/acceleration on movement, getting rid of the bounciness when you're hit by enemies, making health less easy to recharge or changing it to lives, smaller hitbox, etc.)

[FerociousSwan]

The rest is just my opinion of course, but here is what I think should be done. First, all console releases should have an achievement for managing to 1cc the entire game. This does not negatively impact anyone, but may help achievement lovers understand shmups.

Achievement whores are much more likely to complain that the achievements are too hard, and go play Hannah Montana or The Last Airbender: The Burning Earth instead.

Actually, most achievement whores will either glitch/hack an achievement they feel is too difficult to get on their own or they'll allow other, more skilled players to log in as them temporarily to unlock the cheevo for them.

Also, there are numerous 360 shmups (both physical media and XBLA releases) that already feature SCC cheevos: THE, DeathSmiles, Shooting Love 10th Anniversary (both Delta Zeal and XiiZeal have independent SCC cheevos), Ketsui (the cheevos for beating stage 5 in either of the game modes requires not simply finishing the stage, but starting from the beginning of the game and playing up to that point without continuing, which is the same as asking someone to SCC the first loop), Mushihime-sama and Mushi Futari (both have various cheevos for SCCing Original and Maniac modes), RayStorm HD, Radiant Silvergun, ESPGaluda II Black Label (has 3 separate achievements in Arcade/360 mode for SCCing the game with each of the playable cast)... etc, etc.

In fact, one thing I've really liked about many of the 360 shmups is that they not only feature SCC cheevos, but also high-score threshold cheevos (for example: score 200 million in mode X, score 300 million in mode X... etc, etc).

Actually, I used to be an achievement hunter ... and the 1cc / score achievements actually got me more interested in the shoot em up genre. I always loved them, but till achievements for clearing them on 1 credit appeared I didn't even realise such a thing was possible ...
So it actually taught me and a few others about it all.
You are right of course, if a glitch was possible to unlock the achievement most would use it. Luckily most were patched out.
Annoyingly that Guwange no miss the final boss achievement, now has a known glitch to do it easy using 2 players.

Oh and you mention Ketsui, unfortunately those 1cc achievements are glitchable too ...

[Doctor Butler]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w025kQRMZwA

That was painful to watch. Yet another unfunny #nerdculture game critic.

[Ed Oscuro]

http://shmupstats.wordpress.com/2014/04 ... dreamcast/

Beat bosses without moving

Ha, ha! Molecule level!

The Fast Striker one tickles my bonez.

[BIL]

Has mothership launch-off

Hmm... as in, the playership departs from its mothership ala DoDonPachi? Or the mothership itself launches? I've long had the Raizing Takeoff Sequence catalogued (see muh sig) but these new matters intrigue me. Almost as much as Grapefruit Colours

[BareKnuckleRoo]

What the fuck do any of the graphs posted mean? None of them seem to have meaningful labels on any of the axes, so I can't tell what the heck it is they're trying to measure. Looks like it was made by someone who flunked out of stats class.

[PlatinumHawke]

It's amount of credits fed to complete a run over the course of a few/lot of runs. Also breaks down how many per stage on a given run.

[Cagar]

What the fuck do any of the graphs posted mean? None of them seem to have meaningful labels on any of the axes, so I can't tell what the heck it is they're trying to measure. Looks like it was made by someone who flunked out of stats class.

Uh oh, looks like someone missed the joke.
http://shmupstats.wordpress.com/
These reviews fucking rock, what is that page doing in this thread?

[BareKnuckleRoo]

The problem is the website is shit. The only funny part is the text under the game boxes, but like 80% of the screen is taken up by the meaningless and unnecessary graph, and worse, all the garbage under each post starting with "This entry was posted in" (which is just generic search tags and nothing actually amusing). It would be funnier if the site layout weren't garbage. In comedy, less is often more.

[Vetus]

Not a review but still a crappy list from a crappy site full of SJWs (social justice warriors):
http://whatculture.com/gaming/10-video- ... -own.php/5
Being embarassed to own one of the most awesome shmups just because it's weird? SERIOUSLY? The only one that should be embarassed is the person who wrote this article and have absolutely no idea about gaming journalism.

[Ixmucane2]

Not a review but still a crappy list from a crappy site full of SJWs (social justice warriors):
http://whatculture.com/gaming/10-video- ... -own.php/5
Being embarassed to own one of the most awesome shmups just because it's weird? SERIOUSLY? The only one that should be embarassed is the person who wrote this article and have absolutely no idea about gaming journalism.

I disagree: he/she/it has no idea about taste in general.

[Squire Grooktook]

LOL Japanese games so weird XD where's my brown military shooter

[Doctor Butler]

LOL Japanese games so weird XD where's my brown military shooter

[Gespenst]

LOL Japanese games so weird XD where's my brown realistic military simulator

ftfy

[Lord Satori]

lol. Realistic he says.

[Special World]

raiden iv is my realistic dogfighting simulator

[mezzanine]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taito_Legends_2#Reception

Unless you lived in arcades 20 years ago, you probably won't even remember half the stuff you find here. You're thus denied even the value that nostalgia might lend each selection.
Taken on their own terms, most titles you'll find here are trumped by the free Flash games* you can find all over the Internet."

should never be said about a collection containing some of the best Taito shoot-em ups ever made, as well as games like Elevator Action Returns and Don Doko Don. Even if Hat Trick Hero really is a filler title.

Anyway, the Wikipedia pages on the Taito Memories/Legends series are pretty useful. Quotes—added years later—from disinterested reviewers are not.

*circa 2007.

[Ed Oscuro]

sorry I can't hear you over the sound of all these flash games going off in my face! Oh, more bananas - shiny!

[davyK]

Apologies if these have already been posted.

If you don't know anything about a genre then at least make an effort to actually play the game for more than half an hour or find someone who does know something about these games. Dear Oh Dear.

Gigawing
http://www.outofprintarchive.com/articl ... e14-1.html
http://www.outofprintarchive.com/articl ... e14-2.html

Gunbird 2
http://www.outofprintarchive.com/articl ... e15-1.html
http://www.outofprintarchive.com/articl ... e15-2.html


I get some consolation from the fact that the rag these appeared in has long since ended up in landfill while my DC is still pumping out pixels to the tune of these rather lovely games. Unfortunately the hacks who wrote them may still be in business.

A quick google of Martin Mathers , the "author" of the Gigawing review reveals him to be working for , of all people, Rising Star games as a production co-ordinator. I wonder if he has even played something like Akai Katana for as long as he played Gigawing for his review? Perhaps I should be charitable and suggest he has since seen the light.

The oracle of opinion on Gunbird 2, Andy Hartup , appears to be connected with CVG. Need I say more?

[S20-TBL]

If the Quinnspiracy has taught us anything, it's that many modern game journalists and reviewers aren't really as unbiased as most would like to believe they are. I think I stopped listening to most games media about 5 years ago. In hindsight I should have done so much, much earlier.

http://www.outofprintarchive.com/articl ... e14-1.html
http://www.outofprintarchive.com/articl ... e14-2.html

Lol at that reviewer slamming 1942 of all things.

"Lots of things happening at once" apparently can be done on a "bog-standard SNES title". I think he meant the Genesis, but anyway.

"Dodging the bullets thrown at you is a sheer impossibility" <-- That's what the Reflect is there for. Do your research and come back to me in a couple hours. Thanks.

"The fact that you have to die quite a bit doesn't matter because you have infinite continues" <-- Whenever a game reviewer drops this canard you just know he's not interested. Just put down the controller. Geez.

"Pointless blasting action" <-- So can anybody tell me what them modern industry darlings like Hey-Low, Team Fortress 2, Left 4 Dead and Call of Duty are all about, again? (EDIT: in case anyone nitpicks, one can always namedrop Unreal, Doom and whatever FPS back in 2000, which is when those scans were originally written)

[BareKnuckleRoo]

A quick google of Martin Mathers , the "author" of the Gigawing review reveals him to be working for , of all people, Rising Star games as a production co-ordinator. I wonder if he has even played something like Akai Katana for as long as he played Gigawing for his review? Perhaps I should be charitable and suggest he has since seen the light.

That or he's still a moron who knows nothing about shmups and is a hypocrite to boot. He whines that "dodging all the bullets thrown at you [in Giga Wing] is a sheer impossibility" (none of the patterns/attacks force you to use the Reflect Barrier, they are all dodgeable, I am sure a no barrier 1CC is possible), and then acts like an ass on his Twitter.

[DocHauser]

Another facepalm-worthy Martin Mathers tweet:

https://twitter.com/MajorDysentry/statu ... 5264570368

I guess that statement doesn't apply to shmups and only applies to games that he doesn't suck at himself.

I think I posted some of those Dreamcast reviews on here a couple of years ago. Martin Mathers and Alex Warren were also responsible for an infamously bad Street Fighter III review, which had comments like "Hands up who hates 2D graphics?" and "I've said it before and I'll say it again - 2D fighters have no place on a machine as godly as the Dreamcast."

[davyK]

I couldn't help replying to that.

[Doctor Butler]

Reviews are opinions.

Opinions aren't valid if they are factually inaccurate.

Therefore Martin Mathers' opinions are invalid.

[Ed Oscuro]

But do you have any maple syrup for the bird on his head?

[guigui]

Another facepalm-worthy Martin Mathers tweet:

https://twitter.com/MajorDysentry/statu ... 5264570368

I guess that statement doesn't apply to shmups and only applies to games that he doesn't suck at himself.

I think I posted some of those Dreamcast reviews on here a couple of years ago. Martin Mathers and Alex Warren were also responsible for an infamously bad Street Fighter III review, which had comments like "Hands up who hates 2D graphics?" and "I've said it before and I'll say it again - 2D fighters have no place on a machine as godly as the Dreamcast."

This guy earns more money than I do.

[Roodwurm]

A quick google of Martin Mathers , the "author" of the Gigawing review reveals him to be working for , of all people, Rising Star games as a production co-ordinator. I wonder if he has even played something like Akai Katana for as long as he played Gigawing for his review? Perhaps I should be charitable and suggest he has since seen the light.

That or he's still a moron who knows nothing about shmups and is a hypocrite to boot. He whines that "dodging all the bullets thrown at you [in Giga Wing] is a sheer impossibility" (none of the patterns/attacks force you to use the Reflect Barrier, they are all dodgeable, I am sure a no barrier 1CC is possible), and then acts like an ass on his Twitter.

Have some respect, please. The guy 1CC'd and counterstopped Virtua Cop on Gamesmaster in his teenage years: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgJu0kCiCjQ

[PAPER/ARTILLERY]

How is it that now in 2014 when videogames are bigger than ever, we don't have any dedicated gaming TV shows? Am I forgetting something here or its that just weird?