Trouble with a friend

[Khan]

I can relate to this topic, I lent a friend £300 and despite promises of paying me back 4 years later hes only managed to pay me back £120 of it I still see the guy at work 4 times a week but he always tries to avoid the topic when I ask him he said hes going to try pay me next month ofc when next month comes he will make another excuse.

Another friend who I borrowed £50 to and this guy i have known since we were kids yet he hasn't mentioned it ever.

Just the way the world works im afraid lesson learned, I'd only lend money to friends who I know would pay me back now and even then only in an emergency circumstance.

[Mischief Maker]

Frigging Shakespeare said (in Hamlet):

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

"Husbandry" meaning "ownership."

This advice is old as dirt.

[BulletMagnet]

There's also the exchange from that one movie (Goodfellas, was it?):

- Argh, that guy owes me twenty bucks but always runs whenever he sees me coming!
- Do you even like that guy?
- No, I think he's a jerk.
- Then you only had to pay twenty bucks to ensure you never have to deal with him again; sounds like a good deal to me.

[Mischief Maker]

There's also the exchange from that one movie (Goodfellas, was it?):

- Argh, that guy owes me twenty bucks but always runs whenever he sees me coming!
- Do you even like that guy?
- No, I think he's a jerk.
- Then you only had to pay twenty bucks to ensure you never have to deal with him again; sounds like a good deal to me.

Great quote, but no way in hell it's from Goodfellas. In that movie, if a guy owed one of the characters $20, they'd grab him off the street and shove his head in a pizza oven until he paid up.

[jonny5]

For me, if somebody was actually what I would consider a real friend I would move the earth to help them, financially or otherwise. Getting the money back would not even be a consideration, my only concern would be helping my friend.

Then again I have a VERY small group of people I consider true friends and not just casual acquaintances; people I have known for most of my life and have been through hell and back with.

I'm generally down to help acquaintances as well, just not to the same degree.

[Mischief Maker]

For me, if somebody was actually what I would consider a real friend I would move the earth to help them, financially or otherwise. Getting the money back would not even be a consideration, my only concern would be helping my friend.

But therein lies the key difference. You're talking about gifts, the OP was talking about loans.

Would it be reasonable for his friend to whine for him to just up and GIVE him his PSX? Of course not. But when his friend requested a LOAN, that made it harder for OP to say no.

It's a cowardly and manipulative tactic for someone who's willing to sacrifice their credibility for petty short-term gain.

[jonny5]

For me, if somebody was actually what I would consider a real friend I would move the earth to help them, financially or otherwise. Getting the money back would not even be a consideration, my only concern would be helping my friend.

But therein lies the key difference. You're talking about gifts, the OP was talking about loans.

Would it be reasonable for his friend to whine for him to just up and GIVE him his PSX? Of course not. But when his friend requested a LOAN, that made it harder for OP to say no.

It's a cowardly and manipulative tactic for someone who's willing to sacrifice their credibility for petty short-term gain.

Sorry, I wasn't disputing other peoples points, just sharing my outlook on helping friends. And the money thing wouldn't necessarily be a 'gift' per se, but my main concern would be helping my friend, not whether I got the money back short term or long term. True friends are very few and far between, money comes and goes. I value the former far more than the latter.

[Shatterhand]

I hope you guys notice the original post is like 7 years old.

The guy is really a big friend of mine, we are a group of friends who grew up on the same neighborhood together. After I married in 2008, I helped this guy at least twice when he had nothing to eat at this home, and I went off and bought food for him, never expecting he would pay me back or anything.

But indeed it got to a point where NO ONE was lending him anything, even less regarding videogames. I remember at one point, he had an XBOX360 but he had no credit card to pay the GOLD LIVE subscription, he asked to borrow a credit card promising he would pay the bill, and no one wanted to lend him, and I remember him get pissed off with everyone about that.

He is right now not talking to me, saying I never said anything about keeping the controller with me. And all the common friends who saw him going in a rage about this matter are agreeing with me too: "Fuck him".

I am talking with my wife about this, and we are remebering many occasions where he was an asshole like that. I do value good friendships, and I keep thinking about that... but it's hard to get along with his behaviour. It's not about the money, it's about the "Yeah, I use you, I use your stuff, I use your money, and I don't give a fuck about it". It's keeps getting harder and harder to see that as a "Good friendship". Back at that time, I remember what really got me pissed off wasn't the fact I had lost my PSX, I was pissed with his behaviour. As I am also pissed right now, with him throwing a rage for something that happened 7 years ago (or 9 years if you count the time since he borrowed the PSX), while claiming he never said something I clearly remember he said.

[Mischief Maker]

I hope you guys notice the original post is like 7 years old.

The guy is really a big friend of mine, we are a group of friends who grew up on the same neighborhood together. After I married in 2008, I helped this guy at least twice when he had nothing to eat at this home, and I went off and bought food for him, never expecting he would pay me back or anything.

But indeed it got to a point where NO ONE was lending him anything, even less regarding videogames. I remember at one point, he had an XBOX360 but he had no credit card to pay the GOLD LIVE subscription, he asked to borrow a credit card promising he would pay the bill, and no one wanted to lend him, and I remember him get pissed off with everyone about that.

He is right now not talking to me, saying I never said anything about keeping the controller with me. And all the common friends who saw him going in a rage about this matter are agreeing with me too: "Fuck him".

I am talking with my wife about this, and we are remebering many occasions where he was an asshole like that. I do value good friendships, and I keep thinking about that... but it's hard to get along with his behaviour. It's not about the money, it's about the "Yeah, I use you, I use your stuff, I use your money, and I don't give a fuck about it". It's keeps getting harder and harder to see that as a "Good friendship". Back at that time, I remember what really got me pissed off wasn't the fact I had lost my PSX, I was pissed with his behaviour. As I am also pissed right now, with him throwing a rage for something that happened 7 years ago (or 9 years if you count the time since he borrowed the PSX), while claiming he never said something I clearly remember he said.

Being taken for granted is the death of any relationship, including friendships.

If there is one thing I can say on your friend's behalf, it's that you and his other friends are saying, "fuck him" instead of "fuck you." To me, the definition of brutal honesty isn't telling someone a painful truth, it's lying or biting your tongue about that painful truth off for years before finally blurting it out one day and shattering that other person's worldview. Better to tell him, "I'm feeling like you're abusing our friendship and taking me for granted," than to brood because he "should" know.

It is your DUTY as a friend to make it clear to other friends when they've stepped over the line with you. Either your friendship dies a slow and painful death from resentment, or you give it a 50/50 chance to spring back to life (or die a mercifully quick death) by being brutally honest.

[BareKnuckleRoo]

I am talking with my wife about this, and we are remebering many occasions where he was an asshole like that. I do value good friendships

This does not sound at all like a good friendship. He is a bad friend who is using you as a financial crutch and acting like an ingrate on top of it when you rightfully complain about how he never bothers to even try repaying you. Even if he seems like a "friend" to you when money is not involved, you should not be giving any more financial support to this person, because it sounds like that is primarily why he is interested in socializing with you and others; he wants to find people who will support his lifestyle.

My husband once helped a friend with money for a bus pass (or something along those lines). He knew he probably wouldn't get the money back if it were a loan, so when they went out for sushi he made him earn the money by eating all of the wasabi on the table at once. Apparently he was screaming on the toilet the rest of the night. this isn't relevant to your thread, it's just amusing, carry on

[Ruldra]

Just because you guys grew up together does not mean you need to put up with his shit. It's about time you take a second look at this "friendship".

[Bloodreign]

Heh I have a friend who still owes me 140 bucks, he gave me $13 of it back, but that was about 2 and a half years ago, he borrowed it 3 years ago. He had to help get his vehicle back after it was towed due to no insurance, so I helped him out of the kidnenss of my heart. Flash forward a year later, he asked to borrow $80 from me for payment of the place he and his old lady were renewing wedding vows, I told him I was no bank and that I wouldn't loan him another red cent.

Morale of the story, people can't be trusted to pay money back, I even learned that about some family members.

[Leandro]

I think this shows great character from Shatterhand. They were friends who grew up together after all, he can't just delete the guy from his life and ignore everything... Like Kaneda who never abandoned Tetsuo, he just wanted his friend back

[PAPER/ARTILLERY]

There's also the exchange from that one movie (Goodfellas, was it?):

- Argh, that guy owes me twenty bucks but always runs whenever he sees me coming!
- Do you even like that guy?
- No, I think he's a jerk.
- Then you only had to pay twenty bucks to ensure you never have to deal with him again; sounds like a good deal to me.

Think that's from A Bronx Tale

[BulletMagnet]

Think that's from A Bronx Tale

Ah, I believe you're right. (Language NSFW)