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 Post subject: The laziest professional video game review I've ever read
PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 12:52 am 


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Yowza, how did this ever get approved by the editor?! I am legitimately amazed (as well as amused) that somebody was paid money to write this "PC Game Review". I also find it strange that I've never seen it until now, even though it's mentioned on the Wiki entry for one of my all-time favorite video games. What an absolutely ridiculous piece of journalistic tosh. It's actually kind of cute, in a pathetic sort in a way.

https://ew.com/article/1997/10/24/pc-ga ... ony-night/
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 1:49 am 



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It's shocking out of context like that, so I'm guessing you weren't around to read the actual EW magazine when it was published. This would have been one of many tiny capsule reviews all run together and fitting into only the bottom third of a page or so. I believe they did that for all types of media, with only a few featured items getting fully-fleshed out reviews each issue.

I totally agree this sort of thing isn't even worth publishing as a "review", and Entertainment Weekly wouldn't have been the place to look for gaming reviews - EVER - but it's exactly what the editor would have been looking for from the writer.


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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 5:10 am 


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So what you're saying is the situation is even worse than initially described...

In the mid to late '90s, 2D was generally considered to be evil outdated laziness outside of Japan. It's a miracle that SotN sold more than a handful of copies outside of Japan, really.
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 5:44 am 


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Why reviews thought this in the late 90s when the Freescape engine had been around almost as long as the NES is beyond me. (Heck, I, Robot actually predated the NES.) The more things change...
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 6:27 am 


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reminds me of this classic
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 7:07 am 


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mamboFoxtrot wrote:
reminds me of this classic
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lol @ "big chessy monsters". N64 game has plenty of those.


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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 12:45 pm 


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omg hahahahah.

Saved.
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 1:00 pm 


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BrianC wrote:
lol @ "big chessy monsters". Every Castlevania game has plenty of those.

Fixed. Outta curiosity, which magazine ran that one? Not exactly the most enduring of takes. :lol:
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 3:03 pm 


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mamboFoxtrot wrote:
reminds me of this classic
Image

:lol: thanks for that, I had a good laugh


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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2019 3:30 pm 


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Anybody remember that Giga Wing 2 review that was shared in this forum many years ago? The one where the reviewer hadn't figured out that you can reflect bullets and was simultaneously complaining that the game is way too hard ("sometimes literally impossible to dodge bullets") and way too easy ("infinite continues — beat it in half an hour!"). :lol:



Another good one: Joystiq's "review" of Nier:
https://www.engadget.com/2010/05/03/nier-review-fail/

...all because he didn't realize quest locations are shown on the mini-map.


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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 8:57 am 


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CIT wrote:
Anybody remember that Giga Wing 2 review that was shared in this forum many years ago? The one where the reviewer hadn't figured out that you can reflect bullets and was simultaneously complaining that the game is way too hard ("sometimes literally impossible to dodge bullets") and way too easy ("infinite continues — beat it in half an hour!"). :lol:


Here's the one by Brad Galloway at Game Critics.
* "The enemy fire is so thick, so heartless and so unavoidable that it's literally impossible to make it through a single stage unscathed."
* "Another thing to note is that the game can be beaten in about 15 minutes (using many, many continues), and I doubt anyone will want to play through it more than once or twice."

If Brad stuck with the game long enough to get good & figure out the right times to use Reflect, he'd probably have reached the point of making it through the first stage on 1 life. At least.
Sure seems he didn't care about shmups. There's not a word about the Reflect feature's relation to medals & scoring. GW2 isn't a very long game, maybe about 20 mins. to beat properly, but I don't see that as a flaw. I'd rather have that over some 60 minute games that start to drag on after the halfway point.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doG72RZPcEk
Mode 7's 1CC on Youtube. Nice.
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 7:34 pm 


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Some of the worst reviews I've seen were of Microsoft published PC games before Xbox existed. Quite often you'd get about two sentences about the game and seven paragraphs about the evils of "M$" and their monopolistic practices. Basically it looked like they plagarized something out of the Slashdot comments section and tried to pass it off as a game review.
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 1:59 am 


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Yeah, I had a sub to EW back in the day, and I always remember this review. They were like the 1 mag that didn't ejaculate on that game.

Some people are just obsessed with the next thing, or the big current. And can't see a masterpiece because it's of a slightly older era.
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 4:42 pm 


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The postmodern lens turned viciously on Resi 2 remake of all fucking things.
Lazy? No. Pseudo-intellectual claptrap here we come!

Why isn't the video game what I wanted it to be?? VOMMMMM

I Wish 'Resident Evil 2' Let Me Be a More Compassionate Hero
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 5:07 pm 


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Ahhhhhh Vice, what a shocking surprise. Gag.


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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 5:23 pm 



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Blinge wrote:
The postmodern lens turned viciously on Resi 2 remake of all fucking things.
Lazy? No. Pseudo-intellectual claptrap here we come!

Why isn't the video game what I wanted it to be?? VOMMMMM

I Wish 'Resident Evil 2' Let Me Be a More Compassionate Hero

This is a laughably horrible review. Where do they find these people? LOL...

Reminds me of why I haven't consumed "entertainment media" in years, it's just a pile of sentimental preachy trash.


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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2019 12:21 am 


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Blinge wrote:
The postmodern lens turned viciously on Resi 2 remake of all fucking things.
Lazy? No. Pseudo-intellectual claptrap here we come!

Why isn't the video game what I wanted it to be?? VOMMMMM

I Wish 'Resident Evil 2' Let Me Be a More Compassionate Hero


Hahahaha what the fuck this that? It's like the person has never seen a video game before. But I don't want to stomp on tortoises, take mushrooms and steal coins. Can't I be a normal plumber and overcharge little old ladies for changing tap washers?


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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2019 2:08 am 


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That reminds me a lot of Edge Magazine's infamous review of Doom that slammed it for not being able to talk to the demons.


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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2019 5:31 am 


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I don't buy or subscribe to game magazines anymore. Not one. I'd rather watch a gameplay video of a game on Youtube to see what it's like & think for myself.
Shaking my head at that RE2 review with the wrong sort of nitpicking. This is one reason I generally look down on professional reviewers. Quite often, I've enjoyed games that they trashed.
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:59 am 


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I Wish 'Resident Evil 2' Let Me Be a More Compassionate Hero

Quote:
"That notion is wild, the police station as fortress/safe haven is laughably naive (particularly for people of color). It certainly was in the 90s as well, and really, when has policing in America ever actually been about keeping neighborhoods safe as opposed to keeping a racist status quo up and running?"


I'm sure there's a way for this victim of society to end the oppressive misery of their life.
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:33 am 


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What.... did I just read? Truly cringe-inducing.
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:43 am 


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Skykid wrote:


Written by a white person, because of course it was. :roll:


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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:44 am 


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Skykid wrote:
I Wish 'Resident Evil 2' Let Me Be a More Compassionate Hero

Quote:
"That notion is wild, the police station as fortress/safe haven is laughably naive (particularly for people of color). It certainly was in the 90s as well, and really, when has policing in America ever actually been about keeping neighborhoods safe as opposed to keeping a racist status quo up and running?"


I'm sure there's a way for this victim of society to end the oppressive misery of their life.


That's the worst part by far.

I get how someone being an EMT and trying to view the game through that lens could be an amusing thought experiment, but leave it at that. There's certainly no need to write a fucking review based on it. I mean.. surely this is entitlement!
It looks like Vice did the 'normal' review for the modern human, then let this girl do her own thing off to the side.

Also I hate the term virtue signalling, but that very last paragraph? Fuck me if that isn't virtue signalling.

End the misery of her life? Nah she spreads it around by trying to save people :mrgreen:
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2019 1:04 pm 


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I thought about posting that in this thread a couple days ago when I saw it on another gaming forum.

Also, this thread is my favorite thread on shmups right now. Keep the hits coming! :lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: go pro go for gold
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2019 11:48 am 


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Nothing "professional" as it says in the header to write about some stuff and recieve some compensation. It is a matter of proficiency. Know the score, do what you want with it. Getting paid is Ma 'n Pa's idea of "professionalism".

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"But Pop, there's a regular paycheck in it an' I get this here badge wiff it. It says there "Federal Bureau of Hygiene" on it."
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2019 2:02 pm 


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For those who can read spanish, here's an argentine game journalism jewel:
Spoiler: show
Image


basically:
"After 2 turds of games like giga wing and gunbird 2, capcom tries once again to steal money from you with one of these less-serious games that can only be sold at planet japan... sega genesis graphics... capcom pls stop doing these shitty games... even if you are a shooting game fan, don't get near this crap. 2/10"
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2019 4:21 pm 


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KAI wrote:
For those who can read spanish, here's an argentine game journalism jewel:
Spoiler: show
Image


basically:
"After 2 turds of games like giga wing and gunbird 2, capcom tries once again to steal money from you with one of these less-serious games that can only be sold at planet japan... sega genesis graphics... capcom pls stop doing these shitty games... even if you are a shooting game fan, don't get near this crap. 2/10"


10/10 would read again.


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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2019 6:33 pm 


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Even though most of the reviews I've read for Giga Wing and Giga Wing 2 have been negative, I'd still really like to try 'em out one day. Sucking at a game isn't fair criticism. Hoping for a Steam release.
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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2019 6:38 pm 


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Homie... I mean, I'm just gonna ignore the 'bad reviews' part, but MAME is your friend.


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 Post subject: Re: The laziest professional video game review I've ever rea
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2019 5:26 am 


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Not for Giga Wing 2 it isn't.
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