Movies you've just watched

[Air Master Burst]

Marky Mark was dope in Three Kings but that's about it. I think it's hilarious his character in Uncharted was supposed to be old but he wouldn't let them put a speck of gray in his hair.

I kept hoping for a scene where Tom Holland would randomly pick up a machine gun and nonchalantly mow down a few dozen guys before going back to quipping like normal to make it feel more like an Uncharted game, but no dice.

[vol.2]

I kept hoping for a scene where Tom Holland would randomly pick up a machine gun and nonchalantly mow down a few dozen guys before going back to quipping like normal to make it feel more like an Uncharted game, but no dice.

If they had made it comically absurd, it might have actually saved the movie.

[xxx1993]

Day Shift was pretty fun to watch also!

[Air Master Burst]

Prey was really good and got me and my partner on a Predator binge, and we got through the two AVP movies last night. I had remembered AVP1 sucking hard and AVP2 being pretty cool. Holy shit is my fickle memory a goddamn liar!

AVP1 is a fucking banger. The studio forced a cut down to PG13 but there's an unrated cut that improves things. Even so, it totally rules! The Predator suits look way cooler than the one in the first movie and almost as dope as the Predator 2 suit. The cloaking and thermal vision effects finally don't look all shitty! That one badass alien warrior who survives the net and walks around with those crisscross green scars all over for the rest of the movie!

At the time everyone complained about the Predator befriending a human, but thanks to Capcom's AVP being one of my all-time favorites I view this as a feature and not a bug. AVP easily outclasses Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, and Predator 1 (those effects aged fucking terribly, and if it wasn't for the delightfully off-the-charts homoeroticism it wouldn't even be worth watching anymore).

AVP2 was a great idea, but ineptly executed, and also way too fucking dark to actually see any of the action.

Haven't actually seen Predators before, but that's up next. I'm cautiously optimistic!

[xxx1993]

Sniper: Rogue Mission was pretty fun!

[BIL]

Nope (2022) Sheeeit muhfucka! A few months back I enjoyed The Northman, a nice genre flick - Viking Revenger! - smeared by IDPOL hucksters. Now comes another - 50s Creature Horror! - the same lot will find entirely more toothsome. So, after a chillingly enigmatic start with dear old Keith David, who lends the film a classily sparing oneiric grace, we're clowned with an eye-rolling apocrypha straight outta The Book of Hotep. More puzzling, and infinitely more entertaining - particularly opposite Daniel Kaluuya's classically terse leading man - is Keke Palmer's precariously restrained Pam Grier cosplay. She gon git you muhfucka!



These misguided impulses forgiven - we live in retarded times - it's quite good! Though undeniably indulgent at 2hrs, it's a comfy stay in the haunted wilderness, with an endearingly familial tone, a creative and imposing horror, and several harrowing passages. Special mentions to an excellently smarmy Steven Yeun and ailing, formidable, samurai-esque Michael Wincott. Standout feature, by far, is the chilling sound design, a macabre counterweight to the cleanly minimal effects.

Ultimately not as strong as, but still not unreminiscent of Tremors.

EDIT: Aha! I see Johnnie Burn was in charge of the sound design. Figures, I absolutely loved his work in Under The Skin. That film's most memorable horror sequences have a terrifying minimalism not unlike this one's, I wonder if any more personnel/expertise was shared.

[vol.2]

EDIT: Aha! I see Johnnie Burn was in charge of the sound design. Figures, I absolutely loved his work in Under The Skin. That film's most memorable horror sequences have a terrifying minimalism not unlike this one's, I wonder if any more personnel/expertise was shared.

Sure, there were plenty of good elements, but it never felt cohesive to me; too many stitched together bit pieces. Like the Geek Squad guy coming to the ranch and the gender neutral film director; there's just too much shit thrown at the wall and it's kept at the level of subtext.

[BIL]

Definitely an overindulgent picture; even liking it overall, its standout scenes feel more isolated than they would've in a moderately tighter cut. tbh I was mostly a fan of the creature and landscape elements, and Burn's awesome sound design. The alleged social commentary I decided to politely ignore, after the typically myopic Hollywood IDPOL zealotry early on. Made me think of NYC's Black Hebrew Israelites. DAS RIIITE!

Das Boot (1981, Director's Cut) DAS BOOOT! Old favourite, rewatched after director Wolfgang Petersen's recent passing.



A universal story of human resilience in the face of biblical doom. Captained by a magnetic Jurgen Prochnow and his armour-piercing murderstare, with a sharply-sketched supporting cast not unreminiscent of Alien's ensemble. As a war/suspense film, it's blessed with a documentarian's patient eye, painterly composition, and an otherworldly sense of confined space - engrossing all on its own, long before and after things have gone to hell. The DC's herculean 3hr+ runtime is deceptively little issue with work of this quality - perfect for a long, dark evening with the speakers (or at the very least headphones) cranked.



I never felt this was a war-glamourising film, despite the source novel's author criticising it as such. It's a punishing, grimy, exhausting treatment of armed service - for all the grit and valour shown, the enduring sentiment is one of terrible futility. I suppose the rare admiring shots of the U-boat skimming along to gallant music, the sea-sprayed sailors whooping and hollering with delight, are a little romanticising... but as someone whose paternal family was bombed in their houses by Nazi Germany, and whose maternal family were torpedoed at sea by them, I still don't think they're misplaced. They're a glimpse of innocent human potential and ingenuity, the wondrous machine given some reprieve from the horrid purpose men set it to. Warfare is only ever shown to be terrifying and agonising, the film's overriding emotion a longing to be anywhere else.

An easy recommendation for any fan of slow-burning war thrillers, even at its epic runtime.

[Air Master Burst]

Predators was ok. The first half is what could very generously be described as a slow burn, with about the same amount of endless walking as Lord of the Rings. It picks up a bit in the second half. Basically a remix of Predator 1 with better action but none of the delightful homoeroticism. The Predators themselves look dope but hardly use any of their cool weapons.

The ensemble cast is pretty solid but Adrien Brody fucking sucks. He's attempting intensity, but he has negative charisma here. The whole time I kept waiting for him to get the stick out of his ass and spout a one-liner. He never does. Topher Grace also sucked although that was also the writer's fault for giving him such a nonsensical character arc.

The predator dogs were a dope idea but executed kinda poorly. Danny Trejo's old ass outrunning a minigun is fucking hilarious. The samurai fight was pretty dope.

So far the ranking looks like this:

Predator 2
Prey
AVP1
Predator 1
Predators
Getting hit by a bus
AVP2

Just learned that The Predator exists, so I'll be trying that next. I'm told it's terrible. Can't wait!

[BIL]

What, you didn't enjoy the genius callback to Ahnuld's "Kill me nao!" ?

(I'd have had him call the UBERPREDATOR a slack-jawed faggot )



I've not seen Prey yet, I guess I'll have to rectify that soon. After the last several Alien, Predator and Terminator entries, it doesn't have the highest bar to clear. Prometheus: navel-gazing pseudointellectual shit. Covenant: brainless slasher shit. Dark Stool: IDPOL prep the bull shit. The Predator: what the fucking Christ even is this Key & Peele shit.

You know what I'd like to see? Failing an OVA adaptation of Capcom's game, I mean. I'd like to see Dark Horse's Prometheus: Fire & Ice, which goes 100% balls-out monster mash, with the story of an android who voluntarily subjects himself to Teh Black Jizm and starts mutating into Le Ultime Life Forme. It's really good fun, unlike any film involving 21st Century Fox's aliens in the last two decades.

[SuperPang]

So far the ranking looks like this:

Predator 2
Prey
AVP1
Predator 1
Predators
Getting hit by a bus
AVP2

Post reported for offensive content.

The Predator is like having said bus reverse over you again btw.

[Air Master Burst]

(I'd have had him call the UBERPREDATOR a slack-jawed faggot

I mean, Walton Goggins dropped an f-bomb on him right before getting his spine ripped out, so that was sort of close.

My favorite part about that Jesse quote is that he then immediately pivots to trying to give all of the other men he's with some dip that will turn them into sexual tyrannosauruses, notably with NO WOMEN PRESENT FOR MILES. Honestly, if Commando didn't exist, Predator 1 might be the most gloriously gay of all 80s action movies, and that's saying something! They never once sexualize the single female character, but it would take a fucking broadsword to cut the sexual tension between Arnold and Carl Weathers during their initial reunion. Bill Duke snapping over losing Jesse Ventura is surely something that only happens when one of you has been inside of the other. That one amazing scene where the shirtless guy machetes open a vine and guzzles cum from it! I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT!

ETA: I only rate Predator 1 so low because the actual Predator stuff is SUPER LAME compared to everything above it. Even the green blood is so cheaply done that it just kinda sucks.

[BIL]

I forgot about Goggins' sendoff line, that was great.

viewtopic.php?p=349294#p349294

The first film is a bromosexual masterclass. Bring back buff ambiguously gay bros in the jungle pls.

Bill Duke snapping over losing Jesse Ventura is surely something that only happens when one of you has been inside of the other.

TBH Bill's a soulful sensual chocolate man, I bet he'd holler like that for any fallen bro 3;

That Shane Black also worked on execrable The Predator should forever disabuse anyone of the value of name branding. (as if Ridley Scott and James Cameron's respective involvements in Prometheus/Covenant and Genisys/Dark Stool weren't enough!)

[Air Master Burst]

TBH Bill's a soulful sensual chocolate man, I bet he'd holler like that for any fallen bro 3;

That Shane Black also worked on execrable The Predator should forever disabuse anyone of the value of name branding. (as if Ridley Scott and James Cameron's respective involvements in Prometheus/Covenant and Genisys/Dark Stool weren't enough!)

He lost a bunch of bros in Predator, but only one tender soulmate.

The more I hear about how awful The Predator is, the more excited I am to get really high and talk a bunch of shit through it.

ETA: also, Bill Duke and Arnold have one of the best fight-as-stand-in-for-gay-sex scenes of all time in Commando. "I eat green berets for breakfast, and RIGHT NOW I'M VERY HUNGRY!"

[vol.2]

The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, Dario Argento 1970 8/10



I would give it higher marks if it had stirred a wider range of emotion inside of me. As it is, Argento's first film is a near masterpiece. The Ennio Morricone soundtrack is stellar, and the crux of the movie is brilliant and I won't ruin it for anyone. Absolutely hands-down amazing cinematography and casting.

The plot being loosely about an American writer on a working holiday in Italy who witnesses an attempted murder in an art gallery. Intrigue abounds!

My favorite character (it's a difficult choice) was Needles (the ex pro boxer) with his instantly iconic jacket; it's the kind of shit that inspired the best of 70's anime.

[BIL]

Great stuff.

SPOILER Peep dis rad poster. (click 4 full res)

Spoiler

Can't go wrong with Argento's 70s canon. Or most of his 80s either, from what I've seen. Tenebre is a hellaciously evil, insane treat I like revisiting now and then.

[vol.2]

Great stuff.

SPOILER Peep dis rad poster. (click 4 full res)

Spoiler

Sick. I haven't seen that one yet.

Can't go wrong with Argento's 70s canon. Or most of his 80s either, from what I've seen. Tenebre is a hellaciously evil, insane treat I like revisiting now and then.

I'm looking forward to watching the rest of his stuff. The local theater plays his films with some regularity, so hopefully can catch some there.

I found TBWCP on youtube actually! So if you just wanna get a quick fix, it comes up with a search and the quality is acceptable.

[drauch]

What accusations! Man, Predator is MANLYTEARS, much like Hokuto. I'd be freakin' out too and blowing shit away if my homey bit it from an invisible alien in the middle of the jungle. Gawtdamn.

[BIL]

Real Recognise Real is a broadly inclusive sentiment, I guess. I never thought Billy was guzzling cum either, doesn't seem the type.

The Killers (1964) Ahhh sheeit. Gentlemen... NEVER TRUST A BITCH.



Suavely black-hearted noir from Dirty Harry director Don Siegel, adapted from the Hemingway story. A little too indulgent at times - its framing device of titular hitmen pursuing a wealthy client for BIG TREACHERY BOUNS is more compelling than the unspooling tale of a dame, a racecar ace, and Ronald Reagan. As with many fine noirs, a little patience required for the big shitstormin' payoff.

That said, it's a superbly well-made picture, with even the rear projection car chase shots full of panicked intensity. Special mention to the always-mesmerising John Cassavetes, and no mention needed for the talismanic Lee Marvin. Even the Gipper acquits himself well, in his final film role.



Hey lookit! It's my homie Claude Akins, in his ever-dependable supporting capacity. What a likeable chap - again, check out The Twilight Zone's The Little People for a glimpse of his underrated chops.

[Air Master Burst]

Okay, so I actually really enjoyed The Predator. A lot of the human stuff was kinda stupid, but it usually is in these kinds of movies, and that's not what I watch them for anyway. I just wanna see Predators kill shit real good, and it surely delivered that! There were some pretty great death scenes here, although the lack of a proper spine-ripping was missed. More gadgets than Predators (although sadly still no net), and the Predator dogs were much cooler this time around.

The cast wasn't as good as Predators, but the lead was much better than Adrien Brody in that he actually remembered that Predator movies are supposed to be goofy and fun. Fortunately they also didn't make me sit through an hour of boring walking before Predators start killing motherfuckers. The subtitles for the Predators were a bit disappointing since the mystery was more fun, but I did enjoy the hybrid Predator reversing the translator to tell the humans THE HUNT IS ON!

If they had used more of the cool Predator gadgets I'd rate it above AVP1, but it can't compete with the net, and the AVP1 Predator suits looked cooler too. Final ranking:

AVP arcade
Predator 2
Prey
AVP1
The Predator
Predator 1
Predators
Getting hit by a bus
AVP2

[drauch]

Omg pls stop.

[Air Master Burst]

Omg pls stop.

Well I'm out of Predator movies for now, so I guess I'm going to have to.

Sorry if I kicked your childhood right in the crotch.

[drauch]

Nah, nothing to do with childhood, just seeing some really bad movies ranked highly compared to a great one! I saw you saying the same thing because people disagreed with your Mario hatred. I don't think you're going to find many people here riding the nostalgia train.

Don't you dare go rank Alien now, ya hear.

[Air Master Burst]

Predator 1 is a good movie, but the actual Predator stuff is so cheaply done that I can't rate it very high on a list of Predator movies. Seriously, go back and look at how incredibly shitty those effects are. They didn't even bother to make actual green blood, they just added a really bad glow effect in editing! As an AIDS metaphor the Predator 1 Predator works great, but as an actual Predator he's kind of lame.

If it was a list of manly action movies that got me hot and bothered (and/or helped teach me about my sexuality at a young age), Predator 1 is top 5 material for sure. When I want to see Predators doing cool Predator shit, Predator 1 barely fucking rates.

ETA: I doubt you would have much issue with my Alien ranking, other than AVP1 probably being higher than you'd like. I haven't seen the newest one yet, so maybe that's a good excuse.

[drauch]

Go back and watch it? Shieeeet, I do all the time.

Don't really get the AIDS/sex stuff at all from this, and that's coming from someone that's seen some of Sonny Landham's porn.

(sorry, edited my initial post before I realized you commented on it. Didn't want to come off as snarky when I'm just goofin')

[drauch]

As long as Prometheus or Resurrection isn't above Alien or Aliens we're good.

[Air Master Burst]

This was my first time watching Predator 1 in almost 2 decades, and I was actually surprised how poorly the Predator parts held up.

FYI, Predator 1 is kind of a touchstone for queer action movie fans due to how INCREDIBLY AND AWESOMELY GAY it is. Really, we tend to love most of the dumb 80s action movies because a lot of them are also super gay and it's FABULOUS! Some of them knew it, too. Why do you think Commando has that 5-minute montage of an oiled-up Arnold just rowing a dinghy around in nothing but a tiny speedo?

Aliens is actually the exception to this rule, since the big macho marines are just there to get slaughtered while a competent woman handles shit. The only smart characters are Ripley, the little girl, and the one man who actually listens to Ripley. Even the main antagonist is a woman just trying to feed her babies!

ETA: It's not shocking that the average Reagan male of the 80s didn't understand why he was suddenly all sweaty and hiding his erection beneath his popcorn bucket, though. The straights didn't even realize how flamingly gay Judas Priest was until like 95.

[BIL]

FYI, Predator 1 is kind of a touchstone for queer action movie fans due to how INCREDIBLY AND AWESOMELY GAY it is. Really, we tend to love most of the dumb 80s action movies because a lot of them are also super gay and it's FABULOUS! Some of them knew it, too. Why do you think Commando has that 5-minute montage of an oiled-up Arnold just rowing a dinghy around in nothing but a tiny speedo?

TBH, while we joke around a lot about big buff sweaty men, monster cocks, jackhammer skullfuckings etc here at the farm... as John Q. Hetero #4254A, I don't actually think of Predator or Commando as gay at all. What they are to me is fetishistic of the male form, in the ancient sense of "fetish = holy object." Bodybuilder-buffed male bodies are central to the 80s action blockbuster zeitgeist of big men, big guns, big explosions... it was the 80s, excess was the thing.

IRL, Navy SEAL / SAS types don't typically have glamour physiques, tending instead towards the efficiently wiry and lean. Ancient Teutonic barbarians most likely the same, going by historic accounts (see also medieval knights of legend - manlets for the most part, judging by their surviving armour). Those 80s movies and their videogame epigones are fantasy, escapism; the male aesthetic taken to its most visually arresting extreme. Monster pecs, rippling abs, thighs like tree trunks - typically with the implication of a monster hog, and more T than a dozen Chinese ladies' swim teams. And lots of secondary amenities; gorgeously-maintained hair, gleaming white teeth, and flawless, immaculately landscaped skin. It's fantasy, as much as one soldier singlehandedly massacring entire armies while shrugging off the odd bullet wound is.

Human biology being what it is, killing prowess and fucking prowess are inextricable, and so there's always a latent homoerotic element to this stuff. At the same time...

ETA: It's not shocking that the average Reagan male of the 80s didn't realize why he was suddenly all sweaty and hiding his erection beneath his popcorn bucket, though. The straights didn't even realize how flamingly gay Judas Priest was until like 95.

I mean first of all, if a man is aroused by Predator or Commando, he's either gay or bisexual. No condemnation, I couldn't care less - to me, sexual orientation is about as meaningful as albinism or heterochromia, just a harmless quirk of biology (albinos being prized for their internal organs in some primitive cultures, just like others will murder non-heteros on sight). I'd expect the same charity when I say this stuff is read by straight audiences as largely innocent.

Like the AIDS metaphor for Predator... I'd never heard of it either. I can kind of guess what it's going for (do tell ), but at the same time, I'd be confident betting it's strictly viewer-side, and that John McTiernan and company were just making the best action/horror movie they could, about badass mercs stalked by an alien hunter in the jungle.

Hokuto no Ken spoiler

Spoiler

I could see this tale being read as an AIDS metaphor, too - but at the same time, I doubt it was written that way. Brotherly conflict is an ancient constant going back to Cain and Abel. This is a man mourning his estranged little brother's tragic, radiation poisoned-fate. When Raoh, decisively beaten, begins weeping bitterly at Toki's inability to fatally penetrate him and seal the deal - there's nothing sexual going on, despite the incest doujinkas revving up their tablets as I type this. It's a tragic martial arts fantasy where the better man lost. Because he stood on the wrong side of a nuclear blast shelter, for the people inside. Shit happened!



Raoh and Toki had a hard life. 3;

The straights didn't even realize how flamingly gay Judas Priest was until like 95.

Worth noting Rob was read as very camp in his native England - I remember an interview with his dear friend and colleague Lemmy circa 2010, where he was asked "Did you know Rob was gay in the 70s?" and Lem cracking up before deadpanning "No mate! Nah, no idea! Who'd have guessed?" In hindsight, Halford himself has expressed amazement that his Village People getup was unquestioningly taken as "badass" stateside. (in my and a lot of others' opinions, Rob is indeed badass; he was remarking more at the absence of the homophobic opprobrium you'd expect to see at least a little of while fronting a then-mainstream metal act)

Yanks don't/didn't do camp back then is the takeaway there, I think. Predator and Commando aren't camp, at all - they're deadly-serious fetishisings of the male as all-conquering colossus. Key to the former's horror element, with even AHNULD reduced to a mewling, conniving runt before the enraged alien, who Ahnuld struck with the cruellest barb available to him, by calling him an ugly motherfucker - as opposed to a beautiful one, like him! I'd have had him call the Predator fat instead.

Anyway, just sticking up for my totes No Homo action movie bro drauch, and the rest of shumpfarm's straight minority - carry on.

[Air Master Burst]

Those 80s movies and their videogame counterparts are fantasy, escapism, the male aesthetic taken to the extreme. Monster pecs, rippling abs, legs like tree trunks, typically the implication of a monster hog and more T than a dozen Chinese ladies' swim teams. And typically lots of secondary amenities; flowing hair, gleaming white teeth and flawless, immaculately landscaped skin. It's a fantasy as much as one soldier singlehandedly massacring entire armies while shrugging off the odd bullet wound.

Also notable is how most of these movies rarely sexualize the women! The single female character in Predator has like 3 lines and is basically treated as a piece of luggage. The camera doesn't even linger on her tits once! Commando has similar treatment of Rae Dawn Chong: although they do actually recognize her as a sexual being once or twice, it's always the big muscle men that the camera likes to ogle. Her main contribution is as an NPC to move the plot along, and also to make snarky comments about how stupidly macho everything is.

Even in the less overtly homoerotic 80s action offerings, women are rarely sexualized for real, and are usually used more as an excuse for the burly lead to go and get into sweaty sexually-charged wrestling matches with whoever killed his wife/girlfriend/daughter. There's a reason Ruthless Reviews includes a specific "how gay is it?" section for every entry in their 80s action guide!

[BIL]

I do think Predator sexualises its female character (whose name I can't recall offhand) in one particularly decisive (a feminist might say sexist ) way: allowing her to live. It's clear the Predator considers her beneath hunting, much like it finished off the crippled Poncho (crippled by the men's own trap - the Predator killing in person exclusively) with an unceremonious bolt to the back of the head, while merely disarming the magnificent specimen that is AHNULD.

Aha - Anna, her name is.

"We begin finding our men. We found them sometimes without their skins... and sometimes much, much worse."

And of course Predator 2 reinforces this, with the alien sparing that pregnant cop, despite her presenting an active threat to him at the time unlike the fleeing Anna.

This being foundational to the alien as much more than an indiscriminate or animalistic slaughterer, of course.

Ah jeez, I'm fiending for that Capcom AVP OVA now. What must the Preds have thought of Kurosawa? What must Dutch have thought of them? I'm gonna resort to Dark Horse if I keep posting about this stuff. (surprisingly decent, at times... pretty goddamn awful at others, and yet... generally better than the film output, I have to say)