Amusingly bad reviews

[Lok]

That DeathSmiles review by that chick is certainly coming to mind...

Ahhh the age old pastime of stg review bashing heres the DS one with the chick, who states it as been a poor "bullet hell" experience lol

http://www.gameshark.com/reviews/3578/D ... Review.htm

Ill add this review, where the blind as a bat reviewer states that deathsmiles 360 is ugly http://www.gamefocus.ca/?nav=reviewCard&fid=9843

notice both of these sites dont have a comment box its asif the website owners know their reviewers are shite so got rid of all public critismn

one thing that i cant seem to get my head 'round is that games reviewers recomend for the mainstream and die hard fan type gamers. In the past reviewers would recommend only the very best titles in a given genre as been good enough for fans and mainstream alike, and the lower quality games for fans of the genre only. Todays reviewers seem to have this rule the wrong way round with reviewers recommending a game thats good enough for die hards and casuals alike when its a poor example of the genre with many aspects watered down

I can't get over the fact that the reviewer recommended Aegis Wing. It's like recommending meat loaf in place of a 15oz T-Bone Steak.

[TrevHead (TVR)]

I was suprised to find a half decent review on ign of Mars Matrix DC, 8/10 which actually praises the game for been hard. It is rather old though 8 - 9 years old which goes to show just how much the industry has changed since then. http://uk.dreamcast.ign.com/articles/165/165621p1.html

[bsidwell]

I was suprised to find a half decent review on ign of Mars Matrix DC, 8/10 which actually praises the game for been hard. It is rather old though 8 - 9 years old which goes to show just how much the industry has changed since then. http://uk.dreamcast.ign.com/articles/165/165621p1.html

The industry hasn't changed at all, just look at the navgtr youtube channel for some shockingly ignorant review videos from the mid-90s (the Street Fighter Alpha 2 review is especially hilarious, I don't think a single sentence in it is accurate.)

[pooch]

Serious reviews like the one in the OP usually just give me a panic attack. I'm nerding too hard to laugh at that kind of thing when I'm thinking about shmups.

I can laugh at professional reviewers getting it so badly wrong. What's worse to me is having a friend tell me how shit my games are. That's personal! Obviously I had him killed.

[Skykid]

This is actually one of the most cringe-worthy statements I've ever heard a videogame reviewer make:

When you ignore the backgrounds and final boss, each level plays out the same. So essentially, you're playing one level over and over again, just with different bullet patterns.

[devilmanozzy]

http://www.gamefaqs.com/xbox360/945315- ... iew-142437

...I can't stop laughing at this. This "Kid" doesn't know video games. 90's? ................!

Serious reviews like the one in the OP usually just give me a panic attack. I'm nerding too hard to laugh at that kind of thing when I'm thinking about shmups.

I can laugh at professional reviewers getting it so badly wrong. What's worse to me is having a friend tell me how shit my games are. That's personal! Obviously I had him killed.

Good work my man.

[DMC]

I gotta say I applaud those mainstream mags/sites that pay attention to STG!
And who am I to judge what they should think are the more relevant aspects to focus on (hours of gameplay, 2-players, story etc).
Each to his own.

That said, does shmups in particular attract those "professional reviewers" who has to try so hard to present themselves as hardcore as well? I have gotten that impression from reading a few stg reviews from populare magazines. One swedish review of Espgaluda comes to mind, where it was obvious he didn't know much about the game or the genre in general, but he had to do this crappy namedrop and talk about hardcore this and that. I havent seen this phenomenon with other marginal genres, but maybe i missed out on those.

[captpain]

I gotta say I applaud those mainstream mags/sites that pay attention to STG!
And who am I to judge what they should think are the more relevant aspects to focus on (hours of gameplay, 2-players, story etc).
Each to his own.

The response to ridiculous, poorly-formed opinions based in ignorance should not be "to each his own". Not all opinions are equally valid. You are the person to judge -- anyone who makes an effort to actually understand shmups should judge these kinds of statements.

[pooch]

I gotta say I applaud those mainstream mags/sites that pay attention to STG!
And who am I to judge what they should think are the more relevant aspects to focus on (hours of gameplay, 2-players, story etc).
Each to his own.

The response to ridiculous, poorly-formed opinions based in ignorance should not be "to each his own". Not all opinions are equally valid. You are the person to judge -- anyone who makes an effort to actually understand shmups should judge these kinds of statements.

A shmup's essence precedes its existence, DMC! Remember that!

[captpain]

Hell yeah, dawg.

[Dragoforce]

http://www.gamefaqs.com/xbox360/945315- ... iew-142437

Come on, who's behind this?

[Elixir]

This has to be a troll..

Man, that has to be a joke.

And the link that Elixir posted just screams troll. Come on, he got a used japanese 360 just to play Ketsui: Kizuna Jigoku Tachi Extra(yes he spelled it correctly), the very same person who describes space invaders a 1990 DOS game? Please tell me such a person doesn't exist.

I came in here to post this exact review - awesome!

...I can't stop laughing at this. This "Kid" doesn't know video games. 90's? ................!

Come on, who's behind this?

Tell him how you really feel, he made a thread about it: http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/945315-k ... a/55798464

I believe someone's dumb enough to purchase a console for a game that they haven't researched. Works for many best sellers actually, which is why their online communities are so horrible.

I'm not sure why anyone would recommend Ketsui to a non-shmup player looking into the genre, though. I have a few friends like that, but the degree of difficulty Ketsui has is not something easily accessible to newbies, they just wouldn't enjoy the game.

[captpain]

It's 100% transparent super duper obvious fake. It's also really poorly done and not very funny. Let's not talk about it....

[ShmupSamurai]

.....If there are more reviewers as seriously stupid as this man, then that can mean only one thing...

The Stone-Like is upon us!

If I had been the creator of Ketsui and seen that review, I would've went down there strangled his ass in a dark allyway.

[esreveR]

GameInformer's review of Metal Slug 7 was complete bullshit, especially when they gave Contra 4 a 10/10...for what, riding a rocket? Didn't they realize how many times you did that in Metal Slug X alone?

[kid aphex]

The response to ridiculous, poorly-formed opinions based in ignorance should not be "to each his own". Not all opinions are equally valid. You are the person to judge -- anyone who makes an effort to actually understand shmups should judge these kinds of statements.

it amazes me how unrealistic fan's expectations are when it comes to how others perceive the genre.
stg are beyond fringe ---
absurd to the point of near-total-abstraction ---
the community? insular to the point of obvious disorder ---
what do you expect from onlookers?

most shmuppers i know seem just days away from complete mental disintegration into a schizophrenic state

[Shuurin]

Funny aphex, I think that very same thing for every person I meet who talks about their hobby.

Jokes aside, there needs to be a line drawn for game reviews in general that the journalists employed are capable of fully understanding the genre of the game they are assigned to, and getting their facts straight. Many of these game journalists are getting paid and credited with garbage. There is a huge difference between objective informed opinions, and that of ranting about what their boss forced them to play as per their job.

A good example is the Deathsmiles review by Meghan Watt as she feigns to comprehend what she is playing(like trying to define bullet hell). While before that is stating she was hoping the game to be, “so bad, it's good” before even playing it. What kind of reviewer goes into a review like that from the start unless you exude bias/ignorance, or aren't serious about your job at all. Her entire first paragraph should be a red flag to anyone reading she is clueless and can't be objective.

[njiska]

GameInformer's review of Metal Slug 7 was complete bullshit, especially when they gave Contra 4 a 10/10...for what, riding a rocket? Didn't they realize how many times you did that in Metal Slug X alone?

Game Informer's credibility ran out right around the time they published their Time Crisis 4 review. I mean just look at this mess: http://bit.ly/c5XloG. I'm not even complaining about their fundemental lack of understanding about how light gun games work, I'm talking about straight up misinformation. Look at the guy who wrote the review, now look at the guy who wrote the second opinion and gave a slightly different score.

[gennss]

I like meatloaf more than steak. and I like shmups over FPS's. So much for bothering to read mainstream media.

[kid aphex]

this is the worst review of ANY game i've ever read
http://www.next-gen.biz/features/review ... to-the-sky

we dedicated an entire podcast segment to its laughably bad quality

[linko9]

Damn, that was terrible. At least the other reviewers in this thread are unhappy about sucking (whether they'll admit it or not); Edge seems to derive enjoyment from being bad at games.

[Estebang]

Not a shmup review per se, but Playstation Magazine had a laughably terrible review of Armored Core: Last Raven that boiled down to "we're too lazy to figure this shit out and wish the game would just let us turn our brains off and blow stuff up."

[ZOM]

^^Nothing new for AC reviews. It's always the same. Best are thos that try and compare it with Mechwarrior, and even better ,If they call Mechwarrior a simulation, because you know, the cockpit.

[Kaiser]

http://www.gametrailers.com/video/revie ... the/707256

^ This totally reminds me of IGN's worst review ever on God hand.

[burgerkingdiamond]

Not a review, but equally if not more stupid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAJwvKFkEgk

Fucking idiot wannabe. hahaha "theres a lot of COD clones out there"

[Rozyrg]

(the Street Fighter Alpha 2 review is especially hilarious, I don't think a single sentence in it is accurate.)

I remember reading a particularly hostile review of SFA2 in a PC gaming mag around 98 or 99, which criticized the game for such relevant reasons as:

A: Visible pixels (the horror!)
B: Sakura's panties showing when she does a high kick
C: Having been created on an inferior gaming platform

Granted, if it took them that long for a decent PC port of the game, it deserves it's share of criticism; but not for bullshit reasons (ie being a stupid old 2D game made by japs.) Whenever people throw out the phrase 'PC elitist', that review is the first thing that comes to my mind.

[spongdangly]

http://www.gametrailers.com/video/revie ... the/707256

^ This totally reminds me of IGN's worst review ever on God hand.

Somebody should punch that ugly fat fuck in the face.

[Zeron]

Not a review, but equally if not more stupid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAJwvKFkEgk

Fucking idiot wannabe. hahaha "theres a lot of COD clones out there"

This is just ridiculous

[MadScientist]

just look at the navgtr youtube channel for some shockingly ignorant review videos from the mid-90s

Navgtr's idea for 'improving' the Tomb Raider series is an all-time classic;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8HiuOWMTp8

[RNGmaster]

http://xbox.gamezone.com/reviews/item/guwange_review/
Glorious idiocy in the comments, but the review itself is pretty good. Just look at the 4th comment up from the bottom. Jesus Christ.