Amusingly bad reviews

[Exarion]

Of course, in the case of game and literature reviews there is an important asymmetry at work: an adverse review can be the result of ignorant misunderstanding, a positive review implies some kind of comprehension (or there would be nothing to like).
At worst, a "wrong" positive review we disagree with demonstrates aberrant taste, not arrogant incompetence.

This review is positive, but very clearly is the result of ignorance, even if most people here would rate the game similarly

[NR777]

The Guwange "Walkthrough" series begs for a Xoxak-style "Let's Credit Feed Gigawing" takedown. Fucking guy wastes several videos demonstrating how to suck at Guwange.

[Special World]

I thought Western reviewers loved Ikaruga for being "the only innovative space shooter ever" and "more like a puzzle game, really!"

[Lance Boyle]

The Guwange "Walkthrough" series begs for a Xoxak-style "Let's Credit Feed Gigawing" takedown. Fucking guy wastes several videos demonstrating how to suck at Guwange.

The Guwange walkthrough doesn't have a commentary though, unlike the original commentary for "Let's Credit Feed Giga Wing". Apart from the brief snippet about "educational videos" "passing stages" etc.

[NR777]

The Guwange "Walkthrough" series begs for a Xoxak-style "Let's Credit Feed Gigawing" takedown. Fucking guy wastes several videos demonstrating how to suck at Guwange.

The Guwange walkthrough doesn't have a commentary though, unlike the original commentary for "Let's Credit Feed Giga Wing". Apart from the brief snippet about "educational videos" "passing stages" etc.

Here's how you "pass stages": mash the continue button. Very "educational." I get what you mean, though. It needs added commentary.

[TrevHead (TVR)]

What gets me though is that the uploader put up "superplays" of 2 characters at the same time. Which ofc were ridiculed by all us shmup fans. I would of thought he'ld of learnt his lesson but hoo no about a week later another kusoplay was uploaded with the 3rd character. Personally I think it was cos of all the attention the previous vids of got, even if it was ppl trolling, those guwange vids were one of the channels most popular video for its gaming playthough section (they must have allot of gamers making videos cos the damn channel spams YT with about 50 vids per day FFS).

Aye the guwange kusoplay uploader MahaloVideoGames sucks my hairy arse as a creditable gaming channel. Its a shame that they're one of the "in crowd" been a youtube partner which ofc means success in the high number of subscribers they have compared to normal YT channels who dont get all the marketed on YTs home page. As I use a BM which is linked to my profile page, its rare I do go to YTs home page. But when I do im sick of those shitbags MahaloVideoGames getting recommended to me half the time im there.

[DocHauser]

I was playing Triggerheart Exelica on the DC recently and I thought I'd check out some of the reviews on Metacritic. These are for the Xbox 360. Now, I know it's kind of a love-or-hate game (I quite like it) so some people might agree with the negative reviews, but check out the top-rated review:

http://www.metacritic.com/game/xbox-360 ... ic-reviews

"if you like vertical shooters of old and new; if Radiant Silvergun, Parodius or Do Don Pachi mean anything to you"

The guy's such a hardcore-shmupper he even TATEs his horizontal shmups.

[Brod]

So apparently Handsome Tom doesn't think DDP DOJ lets you move.

Yeah.

Thanks for reminding me of how painful that video is. I had almost forgotten about it. I mean, everyone is allowed to like what they want, but it's like they only picked games people might recognize or they just never really tried harder games or other games in general.

A couple things:

- It was actually Stuttering Craig that dissed DDP, not Handsome Tom.
- While their tastes may be rather mainstream, that video has a heck of a lot of views and is responsible for getting many people interested in shmups, and some (including myself) will investigate further and discover the more niche titles.

[mrsmiley381]

The Guwange "Walkthrough" series begs for a Xoxak-style "Let's Credit Feed Gigawing" takedown. Fucking guy wastes several videos demonstrating how to suck at Guwange.

I've considered taking this on as a personal challenge, as I have been working on my southern drawl. Seriously, that guy was terrible. Doing the video would be especially hard on my end due to the aforementioned lack of original commentary. But perhaps I could add my own genius twist to it.

Genius might be a little too strong of a word, but I'd love to tear this guy apart. Really, what a joke. Is there a single mainstream game review organization that doesn't credit feed and at the same time consider it beating the game?

[Drum]

So apparently Handsome Tom doesn't think DDP DOJ lets you move.

Yeah.

Thanks for reminding me of how painful that video is. I had almost forgotten about it. I mean, everyone is allowed to like what they want, but it's like they only picked games people might recognize or they just never really tried harder games or other games in general.

A couple things:

- It was actually Stuttering Craig that dissed DDP, not Handsome Tom.
- While their tastes may be rather mainstream, that video has a heck of a lot of views and is responsible for getting many people interested in shmups, and some (including myself) will investigate further and discover the more niche titles.

Welcome to the board! Play X-Multiply.

[mesh control]

Welcome to the board! Go play Mars Matrix.

[TrevHead (TVR)]

Welcome to the board! Go play Mars Matrix.

+1

[captpain]

It's a cool catchphrase but do yourself a favor and don't go play Mars Matrix.

That's right, I said it.

[mrsmiley381]

It's a cool catchphrase but do yourself a favor and go play Exed Exes.

That's what you meant to say, right?





I kid, I kid. To each his own.

[drauch]

A couple things:

- It was actually Stuttering Craig that dissed DDP, not Handsome Tom.
- While their tastes may be rather mainstream, that video has a heck of a lot of views and is responsible for getting many people interested in shmups, and some (including myself) will investigate further and discover the more niche titles.

I hope this is your only post you ever make.

[RNGmaster]

Christ, man, be more welcoming to newbies. Just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean you should try to get him to stop posting. The more people who discover niche titles, the better.

[Brod]

I hope this is your only post you ever make.

Of course you do

Thanks for the welcomes folks.

[drauch]

I like you already. You get my sense of humor and didn't take offense. For a real, old-fashioned welcoming, let me say: welcome to the boards.

[Jockel]

The more people who discover niche titles, the less niche they are.

[captpain]

I like you already. You get my sense of humor and didn't take offense. For a real, old-fashioned welcoming, let me say: welcome to the boards.

Actually, if he has any chance of fitting in here, he would have been histrionically indignant and looked for the completely unnecessary support of his other like-minded humorless ... *cough* sorry, never mind.

[Dragoforce]

The more people who discover nice tities, the less nice they are.

ABC is fun.

[tsuruki]

I thought all guy have been familiar with those issue since the boom of Polygon era.

I m not surprised if those reviewer even have never played Xevious.

[Daigohji]

The more people who discover nice tities, the less nice they are.

ABC is fun.

Titties are nice no matter how many people discover them.

[sunburstbasser]

How does one go about writing a good review of a shmup? What elements would it need to include?

[captpain]

How does one go about writing a good review of a shmup? What elements would it need to include?

Do you really want someone to try to tell you how to write a good review of a video game in a short forums post here?

[incognoscente]

Copy the template at the bottom of this post into your favorite word processing program. Then follow these relatively easy steps to write a winning review:

1. First, you need to pick a very lackluster game. Something nobody in their right mind would love but nothing universally panned or this won't work.

• i. Replace all occurrences of [A] with the game title.
  ii. Replace all occurrences of with the developer's name.
  iii. Replace all occurrences of [C] with the year of release.
  iv. Replace all occurrences of [Z] with the platform of release.

2. Play the game for a while. Scribble down some obvious observations about the scoring system. If there's a strategy thread for the game, avoid anything someone had to ask about.

• i. Replace [D] with three scoring system observations in the following format: You get points for [observation] and [observation]. There are also [observation].

3. Figure out which sacred cow shoot'em up you're going to subtly impugn. Ikaruga or Radiant Silvergun are good choices but a bit passe. Might I suggest R-Type, Raiden, Dodonpachi, or Mars Matrix. Make sure you know the developer of this sacred cow and when it was released.

• i. Replace all occurrences of [E] with the sacred cow's title.
  ii. Replace all occurrences of [F] with the sacred cow's director.
  iii. Replace all occurrences of [G] with the year of the sacred cow's release.

4. Figure out which "next-gen" (read current gen) game you are going to insult. Bonus points if it is a first-person shooter, but sports games and racing simulations are fair game, too.

• i. Replace all occurrences of [H] with this modern title.

5. Pick something about your playing style that has changed as your skill has improved. The more unique the better (e.g., if you use the wine-glass grip for a joystick). Two parts to this one: First, figure out how to write it without personal pronouns (I, me, my) so it completes the phrase, "It helped me immensely when I learned ..." Second, is there a less-specific way to phrase the sentence fragment you just wrote? (Expanding on the above, "the right way to hold a joystick.")

• i. Replace with this vague sentence fragment.

6. Two portions of this document change depending on if the sacred cow is older or newer than the game you are reviewing. You can't blindly search/replace this one.

• i. Search for both occurrences of [J] and follow the instructions you find there.

7. Sign your name

• i. Replace [K] with your username.

8. Clean up

• i. Search for any remaining ( ) [ and ] and delete as necessary. You can also fix up grammar as you see fit, but that is totally optional.

Template:
One of my favorite games ever, [A] is an overlooked gem released for [Z] in [C]. I remember how excited I was when I saw the game for the first time. But then something came up and I never got a chance to play it. Until now.

For [C] standards, the graphics are really well done. I remember them blowing away everything else at the time and they still impress to this day. ([J] Only one of these is going to make any damned sense. If [C]<[G], delete sentence 2 and these notes. If [C]>[G], delete sentence 1 and these notes. 1.) Certainly the artists at could have taught the guys at [F] a thing or two about art. (2.) You can really see improving in every way on the [F] style.

The music is also really well done, though a bit dated. But it's not like there was much competition in [C]. Not like things are now for all the [H] fanboys where there's so much next-gen crap competing for their time. Oh, I should also mention something about the sound effects. The sound effects are really well done. The explosions are beefy and the weapons sound nice and powerful. Really impressive for its age.

But who cares about graphics and sound! You wanna know how it plays!!!

And I must admit, I have saved the best for the last. The gameplay in this game is nothing short of mindblowing. Everything comes at you and it's all you can do to fend off the attacks. I mean, it's INTENSE. Not like that [E] crap that everyone always raves about. This is a shmup that separates the men from the boys.

Of course, what would a review be without mentioning the scoring system? [D] Of course, for anyone that knows , this is all child's play. OR IS IT?!?

([J] Again, only one of these is going to make any damned sense. If [C]>[G], delete paragraph 2 and these notes. If [C]<[G], delete paragraph 1 and these notes. 1.) really expanded the [F] style and made it into their own, especially their game [A] which improves in every way on [E]. But maybe this isn't surprising considering that I heard that [F] staff would later work at .

(2.) You can really see the influence on [F], especially their game [E] which is clearly an homage to [A]. But maybe this isn't surprising considering that I heard that staff would later work at [F].

Anyway, I think that's enough to give you the picture. [A] is one of the best shmups ever released and deserves to be in any TRUE shmup fan's collection. They don't make 'em like this anymore.

-[K]

[burgerkingdiamond]

How does one go about writing a good review of a shmup? What elements would it need to include?

It would have to be written by someone that knows what shoot em ups are about and can therefore give an objective critique of said game. The problem is that shmups have fallen out of mainstream popularity. And most of the time the ones that still do come out are reviewed by people who, although they may be genuinely into video games as a whole, know little to nothing about this genre. As a result, almost everything that comes out in their review is bullshit.

It's like someone writing a review of a foreign movie without subtitles. They would only be able to knowledgeably critique the most trivial, shallow aspects because they would have very little understanding of the subtleties of the plot. The meaning would be lost on them.

[TVG]

Awesomeness

This is fucking genius.

Just 3 tips:

1) Avoid this: "This is totally retro and cool, I don't know why this game is good but I somehow feel I should like it, I played it a grand total of 5 minutes but believe me, it's rad!"

2) If you actually play shmups, avoid rambling entire paragraphs about the intricacies of the scoring system or whathever, avoid using shmup forum terminology. If your review can't be understood by anyone, it's not a good review, despite how detailed or accurate it is.

3) I'd suggest getting a bit of knowledge about the different styles and trends (ie: what makes super star soldier different from dodonpachi), but if you can't, fine. Just avoid "This xevious remake plays a lot like the classic R-type" or someshit. Avoid comparaisons in general, it's better to clearly be ignorant of the genre than saying shit. You might want to drop a few big names like gradius, R type in your review, though, just so the average dude knows what you're talking about.

[TrevHead (TVR)]

Wow thats some cool shit nobody needs to write another shmup review ever again just copy and paste.

Im might also add that the really best reviews should also write "shmup fans will love this game" ideally in the last paragragh, while namedropping a few words that these rare mythical creatures will only understand. It really doesnt matter that much that these "shmup fans" are the only type of ppl who can be bothered to read the artical till the last paragraph. While everybody else has just quickly glaced at the pictures and skipped striaght to the score.

Its not content its the number hits to the page that counts so tell the reader weather you liked it or not within the first sentence and aim all the space between the 1st and last paragraphs at the type of person who isnt into shmups but whose hobby is knitting, porn or cats and only arrived at the web page by accident.

Infact dont even bother posting any images of the game cats are much better

[burgerkingdiamond]

Wow thats some cool shit nobody needs to write another shmup review ever again just copy and paste.

Im might also add that the really best reviews should also write "shmup fans will love this game" ideally in the last paragragh, while namedropping a few words that these rare mythical creatures will only understand. It really doesnt matter that much that these "shmup fans" are the only type of ppl who can be bothered to read the artical till the last paragraph. While everybody else has just quickly glaced at the pictures and skipped striaght to the score.

Its not content its the number hits to the page that counts so tell the reader weather you liked it or not within the first sentence and aim all the space between the 1st and last paragraphs at the type of person who isnt into shmups but whose hobby is knitting, porn or cats and only arrived at the web page by accident.

Infact dont even bother posting any images of the game cats are much better

well obviously everyone loves cute cat pictures. I know I do.